I feel defeated. I feel beaten. I feel silent, like there is nothing left to say or nothing I can say that anyone wants to hear. I want to disappear. I want to just fade away and really be the ghost that I already feel I am. I feel like I'm collapsing in on myself. The weight of this is choking me. I feel like I can't breathe and I can stand up or even sit up. I feel like every nerve ending in my body is on constant alert and it is exhausting. I have no energy right now to struggle or fight anymore. I want to let this just take me and to have what its been fighting for, the last little bit of me that still is trying, the love. I feel invisible but at the same time like flashing neon. I feel annoying and like a burden to everyone around me. I feel like I bring the room down. I should just go hide somewhere and never come out again, be stashed away. I feel like I should be locked away somewhere so no one has to see me or deal with me. Out of sight, out of mind. I feel like I should be fixed right now, it's been almost a year. I look back on things I wrote from early on and this is not the person I would ever have wanted to be. I feel like I have let everyone down. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed and it breaks my heart even more. I feel like I should be back to "normal" by now, to the person I was before all this. I feel like I don't have a "normal" anymore. I am so lost. I've lost everything including, but more importantly ME. My personality, sense of humor, playfulness, sarcasm, any intelligence, responsibility, drive, ambition, strength, sexuality, helpfulness and kindness, all that and more - gone.
I ask myself everyday why am I still here and I have no answers. I know there is a part of me that is still fighting and still living and maybe that part of me still believes there is something, but I feel like it gets farther and farther away and the PTSD is suffocating it, holding an ugly pillow over its face, hoping to kill the last bit of me that is left, the love. I should have reasons to live. I have 3 amazing children and before the judgements come in, it devastates me that I don't have a lot of feeling for them and what my leaving would do to them. I look at them and just feel like they deserve to have a mom that is available and not like mine, which I feel like I've turned into because of this. I want my soon to be ex husband to find another woman to take my place. I also have my best friend Jim as a reason to live, but I also feel like his life would be better in the long run if I weren't in it, complicating it and causing him stress and worry. I do feel he loves me and that is something I never had but always wanted - to be loved and to feel love. I am scared of it, probably because I want it so bad and I want it to be real. I have waited my whole life for someone to love me like he does, he is my true friend. He keeps telling me I need to stick around so that I can enjoy it and really be able to experience it and I want to so badly, but how do I not fear that if I do,it will leave like everything and everyone else in my years living? This is so different from anything I've ever had with anyone. I had no love growing up, no affection, no one cared, not one person and even in the friendships and marriage I did have, it was all about my usefulness to them and what I had to offer, never about what I needed or how I felt. This isn't like that. He genuinely loves me, I'm just so scared to lose it.
It is a terrifying existence now. I have these memories, flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors, general alertness and high anxiety, crippling emotions and devastating feelings. I don't know where to start. I have been in therapy and really didn't "get going" with it until about a month ago. I feel like I was maybe making some progress, but maybe I started working on this too late and the PTSD took too hard a hold and has too tight a grip now that it is impossible to break free. I had some issues with finding the right therapists, so it took a long time. It also took a long time in the beginning just figuring out what was happening to me and why I was deteriorating so quickly. Although it didn't, this seemed to come out of nowhere. I guess I just couldn't push everything down anymore and pretend that it didn't exist.
There is one little bit of hope I have and that is my best friend, Jim, I mentioned earlier. He has been there since the beginning and has not let me down. He has been working at getting me to trust him for a long time and I do feel like I'm closer than ever. I feel different about it. We are going through a tough time right now because I am so needy and he has more to life than just me, but I feel in a way that he is still there and still loves me so much. That is different than most other times we've been in this position, normally I spiral out of control and feel like I've lost him. I hope that my new feeling about it is accurate and that I can trust in the history we have and the love that is there and has been stronger than all this.
I feel like time is slipping away from me, so I hope I can do something fast. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I needed it out of my head.
Thank you for listening and hopefully not judging.
I ask myself everyday why am I still here and I have no answers. I know there is a part of me that is still fighting and still living and maybe that part of me still believes there is something, but I feel like it gets farther and farther away and the PTSD is suffocating it, holding an ugly pillow over its face, hoping to kill the last bit of me that is left, the love. I should have reasons to live. I have 3 amazing children and before the judgements come in, it devastates me that I don't have a lot of feeling for them and what my leaving would do to them. I look at them and just feel like they deserve to have a mom that is available and not like mine, which I feel like I've turned into because of this. I want my soon to be ex husband to find another woman to take my place. I also have my best friend Jim as a reason to live, but I also feel like his life would be better in the long run if I weren't in it, complicating it and causing him stress and worry. I do feel he loves me and that is something I never had but always wanted - to be loved and to feel love. I am scared of it, probably because I want it so bad and I want it to be real. I have waited my whole life for someone to love me like he does, he is my true friend. He keeps telling me I need to stick around so that I can enjoy it and really be able to experience it and I want to so badly, but how do I not fear that if I do,it will leave like everything and everyone else in my years living? This is so different from anything I've ever had with anyone. I had no love growing up, no affection, no one cared, not one person and even in the friendships and marriage I did have, it was all about my usefulness to them and what I had to offer, never about what I needed or how I felt. This isn't like that. He genuinely loves me, I'm just so scared to lose it.
It is a terrifying existence now. I have these memories, flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors, general alertness and high anxiety, crippling emotions and devastating feelings. I don't know where to start. I have been in therapy and really didn't "get going" with it until about a month ago. I feel like I was maybe making some progress, but maybe I started working on this too late and the PTSD took too hard a hold and has too tight a grip now that it is impossible to break free. I had some issues with finding the right therapists, so it took a long time. It also took a long time in the beginning just figuring out what was happening to me and why I was deteriorating so quickly. Although it didn't, this seemed to come out of nowhere. I guess I just couldn't push everything down anymore and pretend that it didn't exist.
There is one little bit of hope I have and that is my best friend, Jim, I mentioned earlier. He has been there since the beginning and has not let me down. He has been working at getting me to trust him for a long time and I do feel like I'm closer than ever. I feel different about it. We are going through a tough time right now because I am so needy and he has more to life than just me, but I feel in a way that he is still there and still loves me so much. That is different than most other times we've been in this position, normally I spiral out of control and feel like I've lost him. I hope that my new feeling about it is accurate and that I can trust in the history we have and the love that is there and has been stronger than all this.
I feel like time is slipping away from me, so I hope I can do something fast. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I needed it out of my head.
Thank you for listening and hopefully not judging.
