Figuring things out - Overcoming Anxiety Leaving The House

[Friday]

They are equally as important. They are not the same. Obviously, my son is not the same as someone I met yesterday. My relationship with each of them is very different but equally as important because each has something different to offer. (And yes I believe children can teach me things I don't know so they are important as well) I am not going to rush to save the stranger while my son lays dying. I know this is a strange concept. But it is more than just the above. I do not like the wife/husband concept. It's the concept the wife is below the husband in the hierarchy. I do not believe in this hierarchy (or any in relationships). The person I am with is my equal, not someone I am to follow and obey. My friend I have known forever is still just as important to me as the guy I may date tomorrow, but the guy I date tomorrow, will never become more important than my friend no matter what stage we take our relationship to. On the flip side, losing any relationship I have invested in hurts equally to me. Losing a man I dated for a time is just as painful as loosing a close friend. I do not differentiate between the losses. This is a link if you are interested. Relationship Anarchy: Introduction Guide - Attachment Project

This concept is for positive and beneficial people in my life. Just as you have good and bad relationships, so do I. For abusers, this is not the case. Bad people, mean people, truly evil people do not stay in my life for very long once I understand their true intentions. I want good, positive energy surrounding me.

I have tried many times to explain this to a now ex-partner. He wanted me to marry him and change my name and move in with him. Not going to happen. I will not marry ever again. I may never live with anyone again. Who knows? But I just do not label my relationships as boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, best friend, etc. I do not understand why everyone needs labels so much. As a female, so many expectations were put on me to match up. Be a pair. Have a title so you fit in. Find someone to take care of you. I do need a title nor do I want one. I am me.

Thank you for asking. I hope this helps. Please take care of yourself and happy new year.

Ah. No worries, then. The reason I asked is I went through a phase like that, when I was at my worst (as well as it’s sociopathic-cousin “Me, MINE, & Everyone Else”); it’s a series of cognitive distortions really common with certain kinds of life-or-death trauma, as well as other kinds of trauma, that manifest in different ways (like all men being regarded as rapists, or all adults who like children -or all parents- regarded as rapists, or all cars = death machines out to kill us all, etc.).

It’s one of those “No freaking wonder anything social is difficult nearing impossible when that’s what’s up!” It would be like being asked to attend the …Pedophile-NobelPrize-HomelessShelter-Palace-PeaceSummit-Warroom-Olympian-ComaPatient-SexClub-Preschool-PajamaParty (black tie optional)… to go to a “friend’s” house for dinner, or meet up for coffee or pint after work with “colleagues”.

When everyone/everything is the same? It doesn’t allow for any kind of decision making, judgment calls, discrimination, prioritising, recognition of unique/individual attributes, acquired understanding, empathy/sympathy, revelling, delight, glorifying, reservations, caution, etc. It’s like being in a white out. Nothing parses. Or can only be sort of kind of vaguely understood, with extreme difficulty, or at a distance/intellectually.

It’s part of why I went bush/off-grid/backcountry a couple few times. (It wasn’t just people that didn’t parse, it was pretty much everything made no sense).

It was a single offhand remark by someone that finally flicked the last tumbler on that mindset -after a couple of years struggling with it- and let my brain start classifying people, again. But there were a solid couple of years where I didn’t exist like that all the time, but most of the time. Much Longer if we include the sociopathic cousin of “Me & Mine… & Everyone Else”.

 

[Sideways]

All of my friends are my friends and each offer something.

Absolutely. They all bring something.

Instead of thinking in terms of hierarchy though, I think a lot of people think in terms of “how close am I to this person”?

Being close to someone comes with all kinds of trade offs. It takes work. It means certain people get better communication, more compromise, more time, more forgiveness, more effort when they’re in a hard spot. You’d offer them the bed in the spare room when they’re in crisis.

Have you ever read about Avoidant attachment style? Super common to have attachment ‘stuff’ going on with ptsd.

 

[Rose White]

person you met 5 minutes ago is equally important to you as (let’s say) your own child, and there is no difference

Reminds me of a friend who is kind of a Buddhist hermit in his own way and who doesn’t date. He said that in his last relationship (many years ago) his girlfriend asked, “Are you saying that I mean as much to you as this pizza box?!” He said yes and stands by that. He’s the most minimalist person I know, super focused on eliminating desire in any form; his own crazy wisdom. He comes across as super kind but no favorites—which is a bit annoying but fun in its own way.

He freely admits that he has developmental trauma from a BPD mom but that his Buddhist mindset helps him cope and understand the world in a most profound way for him.

 

[silverlinings1069]

Have you ever read about Avoidant attachment style? Super common to have attachment ‘stuff’ going on with ptsd.

I am reading about it right now and it fits me (shoot, they all fit me) a bit but there are two others that fit me much more. I do have codependent tendencies and a few others (ha ha lets be real - a ton of others) but, as weird as this may sound, since I have come into contact with all of this new information (sooo much to process, my poor little brain) I don't feel that pull anymore. It has dimmed considerably. The pressure I used to feel constantly has lessened. I feel a sense of inner acceptance and peace I have never known before. My brain is signaling that I'm on the right track. (lots of body work). I want all of the different relationships. I value all the difference and what I can learn from them. But I value me most. I am really working on being happy completely by myself so when people enter my life I am a whole person (as best I can be) and I can give of myself as they give of themselves. Sorry for the ramble there. How much to I owe for my session? lol Thank you for the information.

 

[silverlinings1069]

Reminds me of a friend who is kind of a Buddhist hermit in his own way and who doesn’t date. He said that in his last relationship (many years ago) his girlfriend asked, “Are you saying that I mean as much to you as this pizza box?!” He said yes and stands by that. He’s the most minimalist person I know, super focused on eliminating desire in any form; his own crazy wisdom. He comes across as super kind but no favorites—which is a bit annoying but fun in its own way.

Maybe I need an asterisk - Humans only for this topic lol.

 

[Rose White]

@silverlinings1069 sorry for derailing

 

[Sideways]

I feel a sense of inner acceptance and peace I have never known before. My brain is signaling that I'm on the right track.

I hear you.

It all struck me as something that seemed incredibly familiar-like (what, avoidant? Me!?) but being presented from a slightly different philosophical perspective

I’d very much like to be the person who ticks the Healthy Attachment box. But…I’m not. With my history? And ptsd? There was never any real chance of that happening.

I owe a lot to ACT therapy, and the ability to accept stuff that I once would have struggled against a lot. But, knowing my attachment style is what it is, gives me hella better insight into when things are going wrong and why, and how I can improve them.

Not make me the Healthy Attachment person so much as at least get my needs met, advocate for myself when I’m struggling in some way, and troubleshooting issues that I want to do something about.

 

[silverlinings1069]

I owe a lot to ACT therapy, and the ability to accept stuff that I once would have struggled against a lot. But, knowing my attachment style is what it is, gives me hella better insight into when things are going wrong and why, and how I can improve them.

OMG i use ART therapy and it changed my life. Going to delve in to DBT as soon as I can.

I complete agree about knowing. I said it in another post but....knowing is half the battle (and yes again I am quoting the G.I. Joe cartoon ).