Hello,
This is my first time posting here, although I have been reading the forum for a couple of months - since being diagnosed really. It's difficult to know where to start, except that I am just realising what a total mess I have got into in the past couple of years as my symptoms gradually got worse and eventually got the better of me, leaving me suicidal and out of control with anxiety and distress. That was all a couple of months ago, and since then I've been given various meds, but still no therapy. Things are a bit calmer.
As with everyone with PTSD, it's a long messy story. My PTSD is linked to repeated childhood trauma and main symptoms are flashbacks, nightmares/terrors, anxiety attacks and 'dissociation'.
Things had been getting better since I finally admitted I needed help - and got it. My family has been supportive, (which due to my own negative thinking, I was sure they wouldn't be). The really big setback I have had is that I told my boyfriend, (who'd previously been telling me he was completely in love with me and wanted a future together) and his was response was to ignore me for three days (no calls etc) and then send me an email, ending the relationship, because he 'didn't have time' to have a relationship with me.
Needless to say, the timing and the manner of his dumping me was extremely hard to deal with. My initial response was total shock and numbness. It just didn't feel real at all. Then I became really anxious, and started to shake uncontrollably and threw up (anxiety is often accompanied by nausea/sickness for me). Then I cried very hard for a couple of hours. Took a benzo to get me off to sleep, although my less rational head was wanting to drink a gallon of booze - I didn't do it. Yay for me).
The thing is I am now feeling totally numb about it. I was completely in love with this man, and had been planning a future with him. We had what appeared to be a good, close relationship. I thought I had found 'the one'. I had even told him a bit about some of my experiences and about having flashbacks etc and he'd been really loving and supportive.
Then I told him that I had been getting some help from mental health services (whilst he was away) and something changed. He didn't respond or even acknowledge what I had told him. He didn't even call me. Then I was dropped, like a hot brick. That was a week ago now, and he hasn't been in touch again. I guess I will never hear from him again. He doesn't even seem to care what this has done to me, or how I am doing.
I know that rationally I should be glad that I found out now, rather than years down the line that he couldn't be relied on. The problem is it's hard to feel in your heart and guts what your brain knows. Instead I find that all the negative little scripts in my head are being confirmed and made into reality. I have covered up my symptoms for years because I thought they made me a bad, weak, pathetic, defective person and I thought if anyone ever found out about 'the real me' they'd reject me. Well....it looks like I was right. That is precisely what DID happen. I told someone I loved and trusted and they straightaway rejected me.
What do you do with that? It doesn't matter how many times you read the literature that tells you things like 'emotions are not facts' your feelings aren't always based in reality' etc etc. Well, my fears were 100% accurate and they have now become my reality. It makes me think that all this positive talk about trusting and anxieties being often baseless can't really be believed.
I know that I will probably feel better with time, but I am just hoping someone can help me get beyond this cycle of feeling like I am a defective item that not only feels like it belongs in the reject bin, but is actually IN the reject bin.
Thank you for listening / reading.
X
This is my first time posting here, although I have been reading the forum for a couple of months - since being diagnosed really. It's difficult to know where to start, except that I am just realising what a total mess I have got into in the past couple of years as my symptoms gradually got worse and eventually got the better of me, leaving me suicidal and out of control with anxiety and distress. That was all a couple of months ago, and since then I've been given various meds, but still no therapy. Things are a bit calmer.
As with everyone with PTSD, it's a long messy story. My PTSD is linked to repeated childhood trauma and main symptoms are flashbacks, nightmares/terrors, anxiety attacks and 'dissociation'.
Things had been getting better since I finally admitted I needed help - and got it. My family has been supportive, (which due to my own negative thinking, I was sure they wouldn't be). The really big setback I have had is that I told my boyfriend, (who'd previously been telling me he was completely in love with me and wanted a future together) and his was response was to ignore me for three days (no calls etc) and then send me an email, ending the relationship, because he 'didn't have time' to have a relationship with me.
Needless to say, the timing and the manner of his dumping me was extremely hard to deal with. My initial response was total shock and numbness. It just didn't feel real at all. Then I became really anxious, and started to shake uncontrollably and threw up (anxiety is often accompanied by nausea/sickness for me). Then I cried very hard for a couple of hours. Took a benzo to get me off to sleep, although my less rational head was wanting to drink a gallon of booze - I didn't do it. Yay for me).
The thing is I am now feeling totally numb about it. I was completely in love with this man, and had been planning a future with him. We had what appeared to be a good, close relationship. I thought I had found 'the one'. I had even told him a bit about some of my experiences and about having flashbacks etc and he'd been really loving and supportive.
Then I told him that I had been getting some help from mental health services (whilst he was away) and something changed. He didn't respond or even acknowledge what I had told him. He didn't even call me. Then I was dropped, like a hot brick. That was a week ago now, and he hasn't been in touch again. I guess I will never hear from him again. He doesn't even seem to care what this has done to me, or how I am doing.
I know that rationally I should be glad that I found out now, rather than years down the line that he couldn't be relied on. The problem is it's hard to feel in your heart and guts what your brain knows. Instead I find that all the negative little scripts in my head are being confirmed and made into reality. I have covered up my symptoms for years because I thought they made me a bad, weak, pathetic, defective person and I thought if anyone ever found out about 'the real me' they'd reject me. Well....it looks like I was right. That is precisely what DID happen. I told someone I loved and trusted and they straightaway rejected me.
What do you do with that? It doesn't matter how many times you read the literature that tells you things like 'emotions are not facts' your feelings aren't always based in reality' etc etc. Well, my fears were 100% accurate and they have now become my reality. It makes me think that all this positive talk about trusting and anxieties being often baseless can't really be believed.
I know that I will probably feel better with time, but I am just hoping someone can help me get beyond this cycle of feeling like I am a defective item that not only feels like it belongs in the reject bin, but is actually IN the reject bin.
Thank you for listening / reading.
X
