Finally Starting Cbt - Afraid It's All Too Boxed Up Now.

[Sandstone]

It's taken three and half years, and the NHS is finally providing me with CBT. Its's an initial 16 weeks, then reviewed, so I feel the need to get it right. I will NOT waste this opportunity. My biggest motivation is that I can't go on seeing my husband look so tired and pale. It's time there wasn't a burden on him. My goal is to be able to work ten hours a week, and function round that.

In the last ten months I've shut myself down as much as possible. On two occasions in the last week I had to be fully present, and observed that I struggle with, and resent, not being in a vague and disconnected state. I've done my utmost to avoid thinking about any of the traumas, and mainly succeeded, though the recent Gary Glitter trial threw me badly awry.

I already knew I was forgetting most of my symptoms, so a few weeks ago I wrote down the first ten I experienced. Now I think they are just silly, and not worth bothering her with, and not "proper" PTSD symptoms so she is likely to disregard them.

• Did a largish household job. Afterwards tearful/ exhausted/overwhelmed and COULD NOT make a simple meal
• Nightmare of being trapped in a cave with a murderer, who I finally overpowered and restrained then found myself wanting to bite him. Lost two night s sleep to this.
• Wanted a bath, but couldn't as too exposed. Put off showering for two days
• Another nightmare, too horrible to record - the nicest bit was animals and people being tied up with wire and thrown onto fires. Images from it intruded every time I tried to cut or heat any food, or groom pets
• Huge startle when husband walked in to kitchen - takes minutes to come back down
• Tried to cook in two pans - burned one because I can't think of two things at once.
• over did it - went to shops and took dog fro a walk with daughter - followed by days in pyjamas and finally wine and too many antihistamines
• fear of undressing to shower - only managed by locking doors, barricading bedroom door and showering in the dark
• over did it again - had to negotiate with myself to clean the loo balancing x/10 effort to clean it against x/10 distress at not doing it
• desire to hide and freeze - tried hiding in the dog bed.

I'm afraid I'll be so shut down and detached that she will say there is nothing much to bother about.

 

[joeylittle]

No, @stenni, these are all symptoms and they are all valid. As symptoms, they are "manifestations" of the core problem (PTSD, unresolved trauma). So it's likely she won't actually begin by addressing these - maybe she will, but just in case she doesn't please remember that it's not because these are "nothing much" - they are disrupting your life, and you are very right to get help and do the work so you can have your life back.

Are you very familiar with CBT? (I can't remember) - if you aren't, it could be good for you to do a little bit of reading, so you come in with some sense of the vocabulary. There are some concepts to grasp before you can really get down to it, and I know you want to make good use of your time.

 

[Sandstone]

I've chosen not to do any reading around it, because I don't want to be, or appear to be, critical of the therapist for not doing it in the way I expect. Nor do I want her to think I understand concepts when in fact I only have a sketchy grasp of them.

What I want to do is go in with an open mind, forget al the times in the past the NHS have messed up, grab everything she has to offer and apply it fully.
What i'm afraid of is that I won't be able to trust her - which I think would be mainly my problem, she has only let me down once - and so will be vague and disconnected. I don't think it's dissociation, just a desire to be elsewhere mentally if I can't run physically.

 

[Changing4Best]

I've experienced many of the things you listed in your original post. I had some five years of CBT and am now seeing a therapist that deals with several types of therapy, including but not limited to CBT. These are valid symptoms, so be sure to mention them when you go to therapy. If you want to get a handle on what symptoms we in general have suffered from here on this Forum, check out the forum called "You Know You Have PTSD When..." in the SOCIAL Forum here. This is a fun thread to read and it also gives you some idea of the kinds of things that are "normal" for PTSDers.