LateInThe Day
New Here
This feels like the only place in the world where I can say these things, even though it's scary to actually do it.
I've always been anxious 24 hours a day, lacked confidence, nervous wreck a lot of the time, trust issues etc but have usually managed to cover it up. I always felt guilty that I didn't feel any love for my mother at all, and had hardly any memories of my childhood. Nothing seemed to make sense. A few years ago my mother cared for an ill relative and it was then I realised she was sadistically hurting them. She was creating situations to hurt them physically or emotionally, always by 'accident' or justifying it with weird excuses and playing endless, endless, ENDLESS mind games. I couldn't believe how much she was enjoying it and was really clever at covering it all up. She completely denied everything with excuses and outright lies and one day I cut all contact.
Since then life has just been constant remembering. I realised that the few memories I had were true and I'm still remembering more. I used to wonder why I had the fear as a kid that when she was raging at me (for made-up mistakes she'd say I'd made) she might lose it completely and kill me and I realise now it was true. I've realised that I'm anxious all the time because I lived with the constant fear of punishments and mind games. I've realised that everyday life is full of things that make me anxious e.g. public toilets because she'd make me use the ones soiled with other people's s##t because I 'wasn't to make a fuss did I think I was too good for it?'. Having any opinions or disagreeing with anyone even slightly makes me secretly sweat and panic because that was seen as the worst crime I could commit. Scuffed shoes, dust, cooking food, being emotionally attached to pets or belongings. I guess like many other people's, it's a long list.
Now I don't know how to move on. I don't qualify for therapy/help in the UK as I'm functioning day-to-day. I arranged some CBT myself before but can't at the moment. A psychiatrist I once saw said a CPTSD diagnosis 'wouldn't be helpful', I don't know enough to say if that's true. I'm reading Pete Walker's CPTSD book (which has been life-changing) and I'm trying regular exercise/meditation mindfulness etc. The worst things are that I can't seem to pretend to be confident or capable anymore, I'm avoiding people and avoiding leaving the house, I have massive emotional flashbacks over small things that leave me sick and shaky for days afterwards, I've come to the end of a work contract and I'm terrified at the thought of holding down a job. Time is passing and I'm desperate to move on, it would be good to hear any therapy/self-help suggestions.
I've always been anxious 24 hours a day, lacked confidence, nervous wreck a lot of the time, trust issues etc but have usually managed to cover it up. I always felt guilty that I didn't feel any love for my mother at all, and had hardly any memories of my childhood. Nothing seemed to make sense. A few years ago my mother cared for an ill relative and it was then I realised she was sadistically hurting them. She was creating situations to hurt them physically or emotionally, always by 'accident' or justifying it with weird excuses and playing endless, endless, ENDLESS mind games. I couldn't believe how much she was enjoying it and was really clever at covering it all up. She completely denied everything with excuses and outright lies and one day I cut all contact.
Since then life has just been constant remembering. I realised that the few memories I had were true and I'm still remembering more. I used to wonder why I had the fear as a kid that when she was raging at me (for made-up mistakes she'd say I'd made) she might lose it completely and kill me and I realise now it was true. I've realised that I'm anxious all the time because I lived with the constant fear of punishments and mind games. I've realised that everyday life is full of things that make me anxious e.g. public toilets because she'd make me use the ones soiled with other people's s##t because I 'wasn't to make a fuss did I think I was too good for it?'. Having any opinions or disagreeing with anyone even slightly makes me secretly sweat and panic because that was seen as the worst crime I could commit. Scuffed shoes, dust, cooking food, being emotionally attached to pets or belongings. I guess like many other people's, it's a long list.
Now I don't know how to move on. I don't qualify for therapy/help in the UK as I'm functioning day-to-day. I arranged some CBT myself before but can't at the moment. A psychiatrist I once saw said a CPTSD diagnosis 'wouldn't be helpful', I don't know enough to say if that's true. I'm reading Pete Walker's CPTSD book (which has been life-changing) and I'm trying regular exercise/meditation mindfulness etc. The worst things are that I can't seem to pretend to be confident or capable anymore, I'm avoiding people and avoiding leaving the house, I have massive emotional flashbacks over small things that leave me sick and shaky for days afterwards, I've come to the end of a work contract and I'm terrified at the thought of holding down a job. Time is passing and I'm desperate to move on, it would be good to hear any therapy/self-help suggestions.
