LarryAP102
New Here
The first step is always the most difficult but easiest when hello is said first to break the ice...so, hello!
I came across this forum because I was looking for guidance and support on ways that I can cope as a result of a recent event that has left me feeling pretty severe trauma. With every one that I have spoken to, I have continuously said these emotions come in waves. To understand, I’ll provide a bit of the backstory:
Almost two weeks ago, I was attempting to leave for work when a dark colored SUV rounded the corner, stopped in the middle of the street essentially blocking me in, and three masked gunmen proceeded to exit the SUV and come toward me. I immediately exited my vehicle, was told to get on the ground as an assault rifle was held to my back, right outside my apartment building at 3am. My vehicle, my phone, my work backpack was stolen.. and it all happened in less than 2 minutes. 2 minutes is all it took for years of self-healing, wins, positive major life events, to be ripped away from me because now all I could focus on is the fact I now have to live in fear on a daily basis. When I walk out of my building to take out the trash, I stare directly at the scene of the crime. I have not been to work because I am fearful of the dark and the time of day in which I will have to leave, even though I have done it safely for over a year prior to this event. I have constant desires of wanting to flee back to my hometown in Michigan to be with my family and go back to the life that my fiancé and I left so that he could start a new career here in Chicago almost two years ago..
Since this event happened, I live every single day with this ever present paranoia and anxiety. I find myself dwelling in irrational and rational fears. As the days move further away from the initial event, I do find myself trying to take action on not letting these feelings get the best of me but as I stated earlier, these feelings come in waves. I’ve been finding that in the daylight, I can feel safe and make those attempts to heal… but as soon as the sun goes down, this knot forms in my stomach and I feel paralyzed, even in the security of my own home. These feelings are even more severe when I know that my fiancé will be coming home late at night from work or when he has to leave early in the darkness of the morning. In these moments, I feel there is nothing I can do because I have been here alone while he works, without a vehicle, without work, and over 200 miles away from my closest family and friends in Michigan.
Where I am struggling most is the constant trigger of where I live/work and what to do about my situation in that regard. My fight or flight is in this hyperactive state and is pairing up with my impulsivity by wanting instant results to immediately remove myself from this place but financially it isn’t feasible until our lease is up. I don’t feel safe in my home or the areas in which I work and live. I don’t want to constantly pace the floor and stare out the window out of fear the assailants are going to return because they are still lurking in the shadows and out there committing these crimes. I ask myself multiple times a day, ”What can I do to get us out of here…”
I am committed and determined to not let this get the best of me. With that, I have already taken many important steps to heal: utilize resources provided my employer and take advantage of the 5 free therapy sessions. Capitalizing on small wins like leaving the apartment to take out the trash, go grocery shopping, etc. Take time for ME for once in my life and express how I am feeling. Despite all these wins and the commitment to heal, I still find myself extremely fearful that PTSD will eventually take hold because of these constant reminders I am trying to distance myself from.
Right now, more than ever, I need a sense of community because I’ve been driving myself crazy sitting around this apartment. Most importantly, a sense of community from individuals who are going through or experienced traumatic events because I do not have any individual in my life who can relate.
Thank you for taking the time to read through this and if anyone has some advice, it will be greatly appreciated.
I came across this forum because I was looking for guidance and support on ways that I can cope as a result of a recent event that has left me feeling pretty severe trauma. With every one that I have spoken to, I have continuously said these emotions come in waves. To understand, I’ll provide a bit of the backstory:
Almost two weeks ago, I was attempting to leave for work when a dark colored SUV rounded the corner, stopped in the middle of the street essentially blocking me in, and three masked gunmen proceeded to exit the SUV and come toward me. I immediately exited my vehicle, was told to get on the ground as an assault rifle was held to my back, right outside my apartment building at 3am. My vehicle, my phone, my work backpack was stolen.. and it all happened in less than 2 minutes. 2 minutes is all it took for years of self-healing, wins, positive major life events, to be ripped away from me because now all I could focus on is the fact I now have to live in fear on a daily basis. When I walk out of my building to take out the trash, I stare directly at the scene of the crime. I have not been to work because I am fearful of the dark and the time of day in which I will have to leave, even though I have done it safely for over a year prior to this event. I have constant desires of wanting to flee back to my hometown in Michigan to be with my family and go back to the life that my fiancé and I left so that he could start a new career here in Chicago almost two years ago..
Since this event happened, I live every single day with this ever present paranoia and anxiety. I find myself dwelling in irrational and rational fears. As the days move further away from the initial event, I do find myself trying to take action on not letting these feelings get the best of me but as I stated earlier, these feelings come in waves. I’ve been finding that in the daylight, I can feel safe and make those attempts to heal… but as soon as the sun goes down, this knot forms in my stomach and I feel paralyzed, even in the security of my own home. These feelings are even more severe when I know that my fiancé will be coming home late at night from work or when he has to leave early in the darkness of the morning. In these moments, I feel there is nothing I can do because I have been here alone while he works, without a vehicle, without work, and over 200 miles away from my closest family and friends in Michigan.
Where I am struggling most is the constant trigger of where I live/work and what to do about my situation in that regard. My fight or flight is in this hyperactive state and is pairing up with my impulsivity by wanting instant results to immediately remove myself from this place but financially it isn’t feasible until our lease is up. I don’t feel safe in my home or the areas in which I work and live. I don’t want to constantly pace the floor and stare out the window out of fear the assailants are going to return because they are still lurking in the shadows and out there committing these crimes. I ask myself multiple times a day, ”What can I do to get us out of here…”
I am committed and determined to not let this get the best of me. With that, I have already taken many important steps to heal: utilize resources provided my employer and take advantage of the 5 free therapy sessions. Capitalizing on small wins like leaving the apartment to take out the trash, go grocery shopping, etc. Take time for ME for once in my life and express how I am feeling. Despite all these wins and the commitment to heal, I still find myself extremely fearful that PTSD will eventually take hold because of these constant reminders I am trying to distance myself from.
Right now, more than ever, I need a sense of community because I’ve been driving myself crazy sitting around this apartment. Most importantly, a sense of community from individuals who are going through or experienced traumatic events because I do not have any individual in my life who can relate.
Thank you for taking the time to read through this and if anyone has some advice, it will be greatly appreciated.
