flappergirl35
New Here
Hello,
I'd like to introduce myself. I'm so happy to have found this site. I'm a 54 year old woman who has suffered with PTSD most of my life. I was abused in every way you can think of by my mother and extended family ever since I can remember. The worst was one night where I violently SA'd by a family member at the age of 9. Multiple times during the course of one night. My mother blamed me and attempted to drown me twice.
My family is mostly gone now. I was misdiagnosed with several mental illnesses but most of what I've dealt with over my lifetime are direct results of my trauma. I was put on heavy psychiatric medication for 25 years and was basically a zombie living on disability.
I met my husband and at first I thought everything was going to be great. We dated for several years before moving in together as I was always afraid to get too close to anyone. It was a mistake, because after we said our vows he became an alcoholic and an emotional abuser. I thought he was different but my instincts were wrong. He was just as bad as the others.
I attempted to unalive myself close to the end of our marriage and ended up in the ICU on life support for several days. I woke up and I still wish I never had.
I currently have my own house but due to financial issues and me not being able to work full-time, I'm close to not having it anymore. The stress has caused me to not be able to work as many hours as I need and even though I still get some money from disability, I haven't had enough to cover all the bills and feed myself.
Recently my rapist came back and started harassing me via text message. He got my number and was sending me incredibly creepy text messages on a daily basis trying to get my address. It set me into a tail spin of fear. I thought he was going to find me, poison my dog, kill me and burn my house down if he ever knew where I lived. I'm terrified of him. I've blocked him but I was even too terrified to do that, since it wouldn't have been too hard for him to find out where I actually lived, and I thought if I remained neutral with him and didn't give him any information on where I lived, he would leave me alone. I was terrified that if I blocked him he'd get angry enough to find me on his own.
My ex also followed me to where I moved and bought a house just a couple of kilometers away from me. Luckily I rarely see him but it makes me uncomfortable because even though I'm very isolated, I feel like his presence so close to me makes me worried about starting a new life.
I'm so afraid of anyone getting close to me for friendship. I'm very reclusive and just can't seem to feel comfortable just hanging around with nice people for fear of them hating me for something or hurting me. I've been taken off of all the heavy antipsychotic medication (I was misdiagnosed) and now I only take an antidepressant and Buspar for my PTSD, chronic depression, and Generalized Anxiety. I want to make my life better but I feel so alone and while I do have a therapist, I don't enjoy my life at all and nothing I do feels really enriching. Loneliness is crushing me. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted most of the time and I just can't keep everything up anymore.
I'd like to introduce myself. I'm so happy to have found this site. I'm a 54 year old woman who has suffered with PTSD most of my life. I was abused in every way you can think of by my mother and extended family ever since I can remember. The worst was one night where I violently SA'd by a family member at the age of 9. Multiple times during the course of one night. My mother blamed me and attempted to drown me twice.
My family is mostly gone now. I was misdiagnosed with several mental illnesses but most of what I've dealt with over my lifetime are direct results of my trauma. I was put on heavy psychiatric medication for 25 years and was basically a zombie living on disability.
I met my husband and at first I thought everything was going to be great. We dated for several years before moving in together as I was always afraid to get too close to anyone. It was a mistake, because after we said our vows he became an alcoholic and an emotional abuser. I thought he was different but my instincts were wrong. He was just as bad as the others.
I attempted to unalive myself close to the end of our marriage and ended up in the ICU on life support for several days. I woke up and I still wish I never had.
I currently have my own house but due to financial issues and me not being able to work full-time, I'm close to not having it anymore. The stress has caused me to not be able to work as many hours as I need and even though I still get some money from disability, I haven't had enough to cover all the bills and feed myself.
Recently my rapist came back and started harassing me via text message. He got my number and was sending me incredibly creepy text messages on a daily basis trying to get my address. It set me into a tail spin of fear. I thought he was going to find me, poison my dog, kill me and burn my house down if he ever knew where I lived. I'm terrified of him. I've blocked him but I was even too terrified to do that, since it wouldn't have been too hard for him to find out where I actually lived, and I thought if I remained neutral with him and didn't give him any information on where I lived, he would leave me alone. I was terrified that if I blocked him he'd get angry enough to find me on his own.
My ex also followed me to where I moved and bought a house just a couple of kilometers away from me. Luckily I rarely see him but it makes me uncomfortable because even though I'm very isolated, I feel like his presence so close to me makes me worried about starting a new life.
I'm so afraid of anyone getting close to me for friendship. I'm very reclusive and just can't seem to feel comfortable just hanging around with nice people for fear of them hating me for something or hurting me. I've been taken off of all the heavy antipsychotic medication (I was misdiagnosed) and now I only take an antidepressant and Buspar for my PTSD, chronic depression, and Generalized Anxiety. I want to make my life better but I feel so alone and while I do have a therapist, I don't enjoy my life at all and nothing I do feels really enriching. Loneliness is crushing me. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted most of the time and I just can't keep everything up anymore.
