Healing Resentment Towards Enabling Parent: Seeking Support

[E.G.T]

I've been struggling with a significant increase in emotional dysregulation and depression, primarily due to the conflicting relationship I have with my mother. My father was more emotionally abusive. He had a strict parenting style and adhered to the controlling beliefs from a fundamentalist religion. This then led to spiritual, emotional, and sexual abuse. While I remember my mother being physically abusive to my older siblings and making degrading remarks towards me, she was not emotionally abusive. However, she enabled much of the physical and emotional abuse inflicted by my father and played a role in the sexual abuse my siblings and I endured by forcing us to spend time with abusive people. Despite our expressed fears and dislike for these people, our parents continued to bring them into our lives.

My mother isn’t always emotionally absent either; she does have her down days due to the chaotic, on-again, off-again dependency she has with my father. While she downplays his abuse and often casts herself as the victim when her enabling behavior is called out, she still advocates for my and my siblings' mental health. She genuinely cares about our interests, shows physical affection, and ensures we are financially supported even as we approach our 30s. Despite her redeeming qualities, I don't feel emotionally safe with her. I can't trust her, and I struggle with feelings of anger and hatred towards her, which in turn makes me hate myself. Everyday it is getting harder to reconcile her affectionate nature with the trauma she enabled and caused.

I know I need to process these feelings, but I’m unsure how to proceed. I've been advised to confront her directly, but given that I currently still live with my parents, I am not comfortable with this approach. It doesn't seem feasible or helpful at this time. I also do not have the financial stability or current resources to move out. My siblings live with their parents, my friends also are not in a place to move, and my fears from my parents religion usually cripple me from finding a random roommate online. I feel completely stuck and as if it’s my fault for being in this position for not trying hard enough, and allowing my mental health to get bad enough to where I am unfit to live alone.

Does anyone else have similar experience with resentment towards an enabling parent? How did you heal? What did you find to be the most and least helpful? Any help, support, or mere acknowledgment that I’m not alone will be genuinely appreciated.

You are not alone. I have a similar experience with anger and resentment towards an enabling parent. I find it hard to even talk to them without getting angry. Then I feel guilty and hate myself for it. I think therapy is the answer to this issue. Both individual and together with the enabling parent, who, in my case, is for the idea. If your mother is receptive, perhaps you can see a family therapist together. I would also reccomend individual therapy if you are not already doing this. A therapist can really help you process these feelings.

Do you have religious trauma? Perhaps you can find a roomate who's parents had the same religion as your parents and shares your feelings towards that religion. Maybe that would make you not scared to have that roomate. I'm sure you are not the only one out there with these feelings towards your parents
religion.

 

[Ubergirl]

Does anyone else have similar experience with resentment towards an enabling parent? How did you heal? What did you find to be the most and least helpful? Any help, support, or mere acknowledgment that I’m not alone will be genuinely appreciated.

I'm so sorry you still have to live with these people. I agree about the confrontation not being the best while you are living with them. Is there places where you live that provide safe accommodation for people stuck living with their abusers? I'm older than you but I was stuck living with family than emotionally, mentally, abused me and enabled sexual abuse to happen. I functioned (if you can call it that) on my own for most of my life, held down jobs etc but had a complete breakdown after a seriously violent relationship and ended back with first my mum and then my dad. My mother used to randomly take things out on me and bring up years old stuff so I can relate to not feeling safe with your mum. I ended up moving out after many confrontations and too much stress. I found it hard to be on my own but good, unfortunately the unit was sold and I ended up at my dads. Because he gets violent when drinking and is constantly putting me down from my appearance to me playing video games for too long on my days off (lol) I recorded some of the verbal abuse and drunken threats and sent them to the dept of housing (I had been on the waiting list for a low income house, the housing crisis is insane) they got me in contact with an accommodation place ran by a charity and they got me into a studio unit that is still pricey for what it is but affordable and all mine. The neighbours aren't always the best, but I'm tucked away up the back and mind my business.
After I moved my siblings and I cut off my mum for about 2 years. It's been about 18months since then and my relationship with her is the best it's ever been. I still don't allow myself to feel completely safe but it's better than I ever dreamed, I honestly don't think she would have ever changed or appreciated us without going no contact. I know her friends etc might have thought we were cruel because she also had no access to her young grand kids, but sometimes people need that time to move from blaming their "terrible" kid for doing this to them to "OK I might have messed up and I don't care I just need my kids"
It helped it was all of us too, I don't know it would have worked as well if it was just me, but I would've had peace of mind and be able to heal better.

Do you have a dr or counsellor that can write supporting letters of evidence that you are dealing with or dealt with family abuse? Gather as much evidence as you can and get numbers of DV places, community centres that can maybe help point you in the right direction for accommodation? I hear you about not really wanting to share a place with strangers but perhaps you can look at only female share accommodation? The best would be an older lady. Even if it's just to get you out for awhile. Be honest with health professionals that you are not mentally coping due to a lifetime of abuse period, and you can't even process it because you're still living with the abusers and enablers. You've got to describe your worst days to them. Sorry for the novel, let us know.how you go

 

[Em1]

I've been struggling with a significant increase in emotional dysregulation and depression, primarily due to the conflicting relationship I have with my mother. My father was more emotionally abusive. He had a strict parenting style and adhered to the controlling beliefs from a fundamentalist religion. This then led to spiritual, emotional, and sexual abuse. While I remember my mother being physically abusive to my older siblings and making degrading remarks towards me, she was not emotionally abusive. However, she enabled much of the physical and emotional abuse inflicted by my father and played a role in the sexual abuse my siblings and I endured by forcing us to spend time with abusive people. Despite our expressed fears and dislike for these people, our parents continued to bring them into our lives.

My mother isn’t always emotionally absent either; she does have her down days due to the chaotic, on-again, off-again dependency she has with my father. While she downplays his abuse and often casts herself as the victim when her enabling behavior is called out, she still advocates for my and my siblings' mental health. She genuinely cares about our interests, shows physical affection, and ensures we are financially supported even as we approach our 30s. Despite her redeeming qualities, I don't feel emotionally safe with her. I can't trust her, and I struggle with feelings of anger and hatred towards her, which in turn makes me hate myself. Everyday it is getting harder to reconcile her affectionate nature with the trauma she enabled and caused.

I know I need to process these feelings, but I’m unsure how to proceed. I've been advised to confront her directly, but given that I currently still live with my parents, I am not comfortable with this approach. It doesn't seem feasible or helpful at this time. I also do not have the financial stability or current resources to move out. My siblings live with their parents, my friends also are not in a place to move, and my fears from my parents religion usually cripple me from finding a random roommate online. I feel completely stuck and as if it’s my fault for being in this position for not trying hard enough, and allowing my mental health to get bad enough to where I am unfit to live alone.

Does anyone else have similar experience with resentment towards an enabling parent? How did you heal? What did you find to be the most and least helpful? Any help, support, or mere acknowledgment that I’m not alone will be genuinely appreciated.

Yes, pretty much the same thing. I thought she was genuinely sorry and didn't years making up for her enabling and abandonment, but she isn't sorry, it's all about pity for her