Sufferer First Responder Struggling/chronic illness

[HopefulMedic]

Hi Everyone,
This is so hard from me to write…
I am a 41 year old paramedic from the US. I have been in EMS over 20 years but I had to quit a few years ago due to PTSD. I took a job doing something else EMS adjacent that had no patient contact but still struggled. Now, I am nearly homebound.
This is my second ‘flare’ of major PTSD struggles. The first one was really bad. This one is equally awful but different.
I’m feeling alone, scared, worthless, and like a fraud.
I don’t expect to ever be ‘cured’ but I would like to be functional again.
I just started therapy specifically for first responders with PTSD.
I also have a chronic illness from childhood that is not a thing anyone has lived to the age of 41 with. (My generation is the first). And I am terrified. I have suddenly become scared of death, dying, anything medical etc.
I was always a bit anxious about it but this is off the charts.

If anyone can relate or has any advice or any success stories or words of encouragement, please reach out. I could use all the support I can get right now.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum - glad you found us

PTSD is typically cyclical. Peaks and troughs. Do you track your symptoms? I use the VA’s PTSD Coach app (I also use a separate app to track my mood). It’s a quick once-a-month check in where I can compare how my ptsd symptoms are tracking compared to where they usually are for me. Over time, that’s been really helpful for me personally in keeping my eye on the other side of the low point when things are especially bad - I have a record showing me, very clearly, that my symptoms do reliably improve over time. Won’t work for everyone, but it’s definitely been helpful for me and managing the ups and downs.

The other thing is - you’ve been through this before. You never have to experience your first really tough PTSD episode ever again. The things that helped you cope the last time? Will help this time. You’re more experienced at the skills and tools you need to get yourself through this. You know more about what works for you and what doesn’t. That’s powerful. It doesn’t make it easy, but it gives you a toehold on your recovery that you didn’t have the first time.

Hope this space feels like a place where you feel understood:)