First Time Here…really Anxious About Therapy

[Mary14]

Hi,

This is my first time posting anything in this forum, or anywhere like this at all really. I've been exploring the site and have found it quite helpful. I have a fairly long trauma history and struggle with ptsd symptoms, and have decided to give therapy a try again after not going for 8 years (I saw a therapist for a year who was quite good).

The new therapist seems really good, i like her and have been 10 times so far. The issue is I get so anxious the day before going that I really want to cancel, though I do get myself there mostly. And when I'm there I feel like I struggle to know what to say and I guess feel quite terrified of being vulnerable, and what will happen if I open things up too much. I have a tendency to dissociate around topics I find difficult, though have only briefly done so with her and managed to mostly stay in the room, though we haven't really touched on any trauma in any way much at all, and she has done lots of grounding type stuff.

Sorry it only seemed to post half of my thread, I guess I am a novice at this.

Basically the rest of it was just outlining how frustrated I am with myself for not being able to articulate myself, or respond at times with anything more than 'I'm not sure' when I can be articulate in other areas of my life. And I feel quite terrified that I will dissociate or just leave the room at times and have to force myself to stay and say anything I can. The vulnerability and not being able to speak reminds me of feeling really vulnerable in my past, which is difficult to be reminded of. I am just wondering if anyone else experienced and got through this in therapy to feel more comfortable and be able to speak more? And how long did it take and what helped?

Sorry it is a bit long and thanks for taking the time to read this far

 

[Muted]

Welcome @Mary14 to the forum.

I can relate to what you're feeling. There have been a number of sessions that I struggle to get any words out and just want to push my t away. One thing I have done to deal with this is to write on paper in session what I want to say, but can't verbalize to my t. The few times we have done this, it has been extremely helpful.

I don't recall struggling with this initially, it was more as we we're getting deeper into the trauma issues. I'm glad you have a good t and I think it's smart of her to work on grounding right away, she must be aware that you're disassociating.

You can't always force yourself to talk or feel comfortable before you're ready, I think it's important to give yourself time.

 

[Leighlee87]

I was really anxious before appointments too. It honestly lasted for the first six months. But I'm so glad I stuck with her.

You don't have to tell her the hard stuff just yet if you don't want too. I know my therapist asked a million different questions in the beginning, and for many of this I would shake my head no. I wasn't ready to go there yet, and was okay with that. Her words were always, "Okay, not yet." And I would always think in my head, "What? Not now? No, not ever." Well, she definitely meant not yet, but by the time we broached the topic again, I felt comfortable discussing it.

Look deeper into why you are scared to go and why you are afraid of being vunerable. It's a really good topic to explore with your therapist, and honestly, WI give her insight into a lot of different things. And who knows, maybe she will have some ways to reduce your fears.

Dissociation is common. It comes with the territory. Not knowing what to say is common too. It might be awkward in the beginning, but you'll ease into it. The two of you will find your rhythm so to speak.

 

[Mary14]

@Leighlee87 and @Gia1019 Thank you both so much for your replies, I really appreciate it as I don't discuss this much with anyone. After reading them I deleted the email I was writing cancelling my appointment and instead sent her an email saying that I was feeling really anxious about coming to the appointment but I would be there.

She very kindly replied thanking me for being honest and said it was really good info for her and we could work at any pace that suited me, which helped me to feel better about going. She suggested as you did Gia that I could try emailing or writing how I feel if that would help. I guess I'll just try turning up and take it one session at a time, and perhaps write some things down and give them to her if I can't talk. Thanks again.