Sufferer First Time On A Ptsd Forum.. Learning How To Heal.

[caroline_13]

Hi nature_baby85-

Welcome to PTSD forum. Your profile pic makes me miss San Francisco and the ocean so badly. I moved there just to be close to the ocean to heal.

I want to comment on a few things you said. Thank you for writing them, as it's so comforting and healing to be validated, and I hope this does the same for you:

1. I have huge difficulty controlling my triggers. I feel like recently I am always in phase 1 of trigger mode, so some days it's more like what doesn't trigger me/what can help talk my emotions down vs. avoiding what does trigger me.

2. I also get very mad at myself for not being able to control myself better. And then, when I'm a mindset where I deny my PTSD and/or triggers or feel damaged by it, I get mad at myself for having triggers. I circle around and around.

3. Lastly, I TOTALLY GET what you wrote about needing more than talk therapy--needing something "active." Since it was more than calm talking that got me here, I need something more intensive to get me back. I've tried EMDR and hypnosis with a psychotherapist. They hypnosis I've done with a few therapists and I've found it hugely beneficial for my anxiety. I tell my therapist what specifically I want to work on (from studying for the bar exam to housemate situations to wanting to feel more confident) and she incorporates that into they hypnosis session. And, I always make sure she records it for me, so I replay it whenever I want! I don't have hypnosis services anymore and I replay hypnosis from months ago.

I'm also a big fan of EMDR, although I only got to do it 3-4 times, and you have to be stable to do it. That's my favorite because it can be like an otherworldly experience. Those are my suggestions. Meditation helps as well if you can't get something to do hypnosis for you.

And, I should mention that you should find a survivors support group. 10000 times better than one-on-one therapy. I'm not sure where you live, but ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) is fantastic, and it's donation-based and/or free (just contribute to room rental). It's comprised solely of other survivors.

Hope this helps and keep your chin up!

Caroline

 

[naturebaby_85]

Hi Caroline,

Oh I hear you re living near the ocean.. if it's any consolation, I haven't lived by the ocean in over a year and having massive withdrawals. It sounds like you find real healing in nature/the ocean too. It really is my soul food. The beach in my profile pic is actually a little Island off Italy, it was the most remote beach, not a person to be seen, there was a rock cliff overlooking the beach that was filled with mountain goats! was so bizarre! anyway! enough of that island dreaming.

Thank you for your message, I'm so taken back by the warmth of the people on here, I wish I had signed up so much earlier! I often struggle with the thought of "no one else understands what its like", not at all in a victim mentality way - but more in a way that I tend to go inwards instead of outwards for support because it is very hard to understand PTSD if you haven't experienced it. Oh I'm so glad some of the words I've expressed helped you also!

Caroline it sounds like we are in VERY similar places at the moment - in reply to your point number 1. I too am in the same place, in constant trigger mode for the last little while also - isn't it so draining?! What have you been doing to actively try control or minimise the reaction from the trigger. I have to admit, I could and should be doing a lot more - perhaps I'm a little too hard on myself, I have just moved countries last week to a country which is a trigger in itself, but I know that I should be doing things to soothe myself every morning - i.e meditation, muscle relaxation therapy, positive resource work.. and I've failed to do that all week. It's really a lose-lose situation because a) you feel crap Then B) you get the secondary emotions from not doing the work! i.e. guilt.. or you start to feel like your doomed forever. I quite like some of the positive resource work I was taught - have you tried it at all? I wonder if it would help you in your current trigger state?

In reply to your point 2 - we seem to again be similar here! it's so hard not to get angry at yourself, it's hard isn't it. Particularly if you've gone on in life always been an achiever of things that you set your mind to, then PTSD comes along, and all the suddenly it's a challenge that isn't as easy to win. I'm quite a disciplined person by nature, if I say i'm going to do something, then I do it. So I get angry at myself when I say i'm going to be better at dealing with Ptsd, or dealing with triggers.. and fail to do that. BUT. We msut be kind to ourselves and realise that it's not as simple as it seems, we're effectively re-training the brain/nervous system, and that doesn't happen over night or without downs and ups.

A couple of therapists have said the same thing to me.. that I need to not be so hard on myself and need to be more gentle on myself, I said to them that's a lovely fluffy statement - but what does that actually translate into? how do you be kind to yourself? what does that entail?

I want to share with you one of the best descriptions I received about how to be kind and gentle to yourself incase you find value. Next time you get angry at yourself for whatever reason, perhaps it's at a trigger, try talking to yourself as if your talking to your best friend. I.e. If your best friend was say Mary, if Mary said to you "Caroline, I just stuffed up again, I got a nasty trigger and I reacted really badly, I'm doomed to fail, I'm useless.. etc etc".. how would you respond to Mary? you wouldn't say "pull your head in Mary, you're better than this".. (that's what I often say to myself!) you'd reassure her kindly and with empathy that she is doing as well as she can and would encourage her. I found this quite helpful, doesn't mean I'm mastered how to be kind to myself though! =)

And in regards to your 3rd point. That's a great way to look at it - it was more than calm talking that got me here, so it's going to more than calm talking to get me out! very true! I've actually just started some EMDR with a counsellor, I'm about 3 sessions in. I'm unsure as of yet, but I'm going to keep trying it. If anything, it's very soothing! the hypnosis sounds very interesting! I'm so pleased you've found something that can provide you with some direction and or relief!

At the moment I'm actually based in Europe for the next year. But I'm originally from New Zealand, yes - all the way on the othr side of the world! =)

Thank you again, was lovely to read your message Caroline.

 

[madmax]

Their is no part of me that could write with the style and poise exhibited.

Numb void yet I found your post relevant.

 

[naturebaby_85]

Madmax,

Glad you found some of the posts relevant.

P.s - I have your quote saved in my quote folder - working on my body, maybe my mind will follow.

I often think that, I'm so dedicated and disciplined with exercise and nutrition.. I'll never find an excuse not to go to gym, or to eat crap. YET, lately I've been a pro at finding an excuse not to meditate, or not to do some calming mental work.

I think I know the root of why I've been like this, it's so disheartening to do the mental work, to do the meditation etc.. then for a trigger to come along and blow it all apart. But this is a stupid way to think, after all, I don't go to the gym and expect to be a lean mean machine straight after 1 session do I? So why would I expect the same from meditating etc?!

I will be better!

Hope you're having a great day Madmax.

 

[madmax]

Swam 3000 yards non-stop found a rhythm yet no piece of mind.

 

[Paz]

Welcome!

I think you're my secret twin...I'm also an expat living in Europe, and the ocean is really healing for me too. Take care :)

 

[naturebaby_85]

Hi Paz,

There really is nothing like the fix that the ocean gives huh! I'm really hearing you on that.

Well, an endorphin rush from a good sweaty weights session comes close.

How is your journey going for healing PTSD? It's a long one isn't it.. seems never ending.

 

[caroline_13]

Hi naturebaby_85--

I'm not sure what positive resource work is? As for what I do to help myself in my current trigger state, I just take a lot of breaks, especially at work, where I'm most triggered. I have my favorite blogs I read--things that I can do at work without having to leave my desk--and I also just like to spend time alone reading, writing, and watching Buffy! Exercise helps too. I eat really healthily, so I get a lot of comfort knowing I'm doing the best for my body.

I find that reading fiction distracts me from my life and it's very soothing. I do read a lot of progressive websites that have a lot of articles about social justice, taking care of yourself, and articles by people who struggle with different issues. So those make me realize the many privileges I do have, and that I'm not along in struggling.

I have some really good girlfriends here that I can call or text whenever, some of whom have traumatic pasts. And, looking in the mirror is something that does wonders for me. I realize that I love the way I look--that even though I am full of inner turmoil, I look like someone who doesn't take shit and is cool, confident, and curious. So I cultivate those traits, and I repeat positive things to myself--sometimes just as simple as, "I am cool, confident, and curious." That helps me feel under control. I listen a lot to music at work and elsewhere, I just put on headphones and don't have to hear other people. I also love animals, the people I live with have dogs, and petting them reminds me that life can be simpler.

You have to give yourself a break after you move. It's amazing that anyone anywhere has the physical and mental stamina to move to a different country and adjust. That's a massive change, and I've never done it! It means you have the ability and courage to change your life for the better.

And I also understand what you mean about getting angry at yourself for not being able to instantaneously change yourself. All my therapists have told me to be nicer to myself, and at first, I felt really guilty about not being nice to myself, like it was just another thing I couldn't accomplish. I felt downright ashamed. And I also felt confounded by HOW do I do that? Cuz' I was so used to working like a dog despite my own needs I wanted to use that process to be nicer to myself and I had to unlearn that to accomplish being nicer to myself.

I am also 28 so it sounds like we're very similar. Sending you encouragement!

Caroline

 

[LostWorld]

Welcome :)

 

[naturebaby_85]

Hi Caroline,

It's ironic how similar our interests are in life, the 3 things that provide me the most joy (when I can feel joy!) is training & eating clean, nature and animals! Have got involved with a couple of animal safety initiatiatives lately which always feels nice to be doing something - although makes me emotional as a wreck seeing how some animals are treated, eating clean and training gives me a sense of direction in a way, maybe direction isn't the right word, but when every thing else feels out of control - it's nice to have control of one element of my life, whilst I can't totally control my head - being able to control what I put in my mouth and what I do actively is a really good feeling for me. Not to mention the temporary high I get after a good gym session - I forget how it feels to feel good!

I really like your take on reading articles/websites that remind you of the hardships others go through. I think at times one of the hardest things I've found is just feeling so alone, because it is very hard to understand the mentality that goes with PTSD unless you experience it. Many can brush it off as "oh it's from the past, come on, you're over that now", not that I've had anyone say this directly to me. Well, apart from my mum in regards to my partners infidelity (I haven't told her about the brother molesting me and never will), and it's quite hard to hear that. Just have to accept not everyone understands - and that is okay.

You are so lucky to have friends who understand trauma! what an absolute blessing!

Love the positive affirmations as well - I have a list plastered up on the toilet wall, too much info - sorry! I drink 4litres of water a day so I figured that is the best place to see the affirmations most regularly. You know - I relate to what you say - I have similar characteristics in myself that I like, suprisingly, whilst I have many i absolutely despise ever since PTSD came along - a) I can't believe i'm such a paranoid, fearful, volatile, emotional character - a TOTAL 180 from the person I was 3 years ago.. but I do have some characteristics I like that are similar to yours - cool/doesn't take shit from people. I think that's important in life to always have a backbone, to stand up for what you believe (regardless of what society or others deem as "normal"), but to also pick your battles.

You are so lucky to live with animals! oh bless! aren't they brilliant for reminding you of the siimple life! life is so simple as a dog! ha. I'm more of a bird-lover myself - random I know!

How is your journey going Caroline with being nicer to yourself?
I'm still trying to win that battle.. talking to myself nicely and calmly, not being so hard on myself when I don't accomplish something - like winning over a trigger. I do still get mad at myself for not being able to instantaneously change myself - but it'll take time, i definitely know the concept of taking time! =)

Are you working with a therapist at the moment?

Lovely to hear from you!

N =)

 

[caroline_13]

Hi N-

My journey of being nicer to myself . . . it's going. Mostly I'm working on dealing with my constant panic that I feel, which would be much easier if I lived alone, but I find being super strict with myself and making myself do things I know work (running the fan in my room all the time, just to block out noise from the housemates, and just making that a rule that I can't argue with; running and exercising every day; forcing myself to apply for jobs b/c I really really need one) is my way of being firm and nice to myself at the same time. It's my protecting myself instead of expecting myself to get over a trigger right away. I figure I need to prioritize--just accept that things will be hellish until I get a job, and that's okay if I'm super strict about protecting myself until I get that job. Then, when I have more frequent and better therapy, I can work on other things. I try to do everything at once.

I do have a therapist, who I see once a week. I wish I could see her more often, and that I could do EMDR and hypnosis again, but this is much better than nothing, and I've committed myself to this forum as another healing tool.

Are you working with a therapist? Are you working at a job?

Caroline