Flashback To My Own Intent To Commit Suicide A Year Ago?

[Justmehere]

This is a tricky post but I hope it’s ok to share about it.

Today in therapy, I let myself feel a lot of things. I let my body shake and shiver with anxiety. Usually I only let myself feel it on the phone with my therapist, not in person. We purposefully had phone sessions for awhile to help me work through some somatic experiencing/exposure therapy work. We worked on trauma that happened on this day last year.

I felt really ok leaving the session. The session went really well.

Then tonight, I woke with a panic thinking about how my therapist saw my body shake and shiver. My body responded to things we talked about in ways I didn’t want it to. My thoughts were a train wreck after that.
I think I had a flashback to being very suicidal this time last year after that traumatic event. Is it possible to have a flashback of being really suicidal?

It was a panicky “death would be better than this pain” kind of suicidal thinking back then that hit me light a semi truck. It came and went like flashbacks do – fast and like it was happening all over again, right now. I was so in it.

Is this a trauma too? My therapist said awhile ago that she thinks it is. I'm not so sure - I mean it seems weird to talk about it as another trauma, because it's kind of self induced.

The suicidal thinking is gone already, but now I’m back to having all those thoughts -“I am bad for feeling this.” “My body is bad for feeling this.” Etc, etc. The shame is huge.

How do I handle this shame of my therapist seeing my body shake and shiver?

I’m kind of lost and mixed up in this and any feedback would be very welcome.

 

[Friday]

There was a time in my life where I wanted Mercy, and didn't get it.

There have been a few times in my life where I have been 7 lbs of pressure away from disconnecting the CPU from the hard drive.

There have been times in my life where I was literally white knuckling (sitting in a chair, holding into the rails) needing to kill myself.
______

In my own life, what I've found when I'm flash backing to those memories is that my mind and my brain have swapped their usual roles. When I'm flashing back to suicidality, I'm almost always struggling with ideation (mind), but my brain is taking over and showing me how much worse it has been, and how I survived it.

I'm almost always kissing a pistol or rifle towards the end of these flashes. Which is ironic, because that's actually my least favorite way of killing myself. And something I've found myself doing, that isn't true memory, is turning it outward. Instead of aiming it towards myself, I end up arming myself.

Contrary brain. Contrary disorder.

______

As far as shame? Only way out is through. At least in my exp. I may feel all I-am-bare-assed (embarrassed), but I go and do the durn thing, anyway.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know if strong suicidal intent can create a trauma. It's an interesting question; like you, though, I tend to think it doesn't seem like a traumatic memory so much as a vivid and painful one.

But if those thoughts then were heavily tied into a fresh trauma you had just experienced, then it does seem like it could have a domino effect.

Shame: be patient with yourself, and bring it up with your therapist next session. I find the quickest way through any and all shame, embarrassment, fear I feel in therapy is to make sure I make it a topic. All my therapist can ever really do is give me evidence for why my thinking is off; but for me, just speaking about it to him cuts the power if the shame down by 50%, at least.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Justmehere,
I can and do re-live intense experiences, that aren't (subjectively to me) traumatic.

My significant ex and I were going to relationship counselling, about five years back. Both my ex (she's spent most of her adult life studying psychology) and the T noticed that I was re-living (flashing back to/ regressing to) painful events as I described them, they also noticed that I can dissociate (up until then, I assumed everyone could do it).

The T suggested that it looked like I had PTSD.

I hadn't heard of C-PTSD at that time, and I couldn't think of anything in my life that was big enough to have caused PTSD - so I came to the conclusion that the T was trying to find jobs to get paid for, I completely lost trust, and never went back.

What I'm just now beginning (just the past month or so ) to understand to be my main flashbacks are purely emotional; fear, freeze response, guilt, anxiety, shame, sadness and dissociation.

I have no conscious memory of a trauma (lots of scary and unpleasant stuff - no trauma). My conscious memories go back to when I was two years old, I can remember dissociating at four years old, so whatever happened to me must have been before that (so no chance of me ever doing de-sensitization!).

Returning to your questions, Yes, like you I can regress and go through an intense event and feel all of the intense emotions there.

Dealing with shame, guilt and embarrassment - I'm only just finding the entrance to that rabbit hole. I know what it feels like, but I don't have answers.

A big hug though.

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you do much for your responses. It's helping me keep my logical rational mind in gear. This morning it is hitting me all over again. I have an appointment on Monday. I almost wonder if I should call her and leave a message. I still really want to hurt me and now I have the suicidal thoughts all over again - half a flashbacky memory and half out of the fact I left myself feel so much alone in a room with someone. I feel like I can't breathe. It's the weekend... I should be able to handle this until Monday!

 

[scout86]

Careful how you use that word "should"!

Is it possible to have a flashback of being really suicidal?

I have no idea what the answer to that is. I'm not sure, from a "what's happening in the brain" standpoint, what a flashback is. I think it's something anyone can have, under the right circumstances, PTSD or not. I could be totally wrong about that.

“I am bad for feeling this.” “My body is bad for feeling this.” Etc, etc. The shame is huge.

I try to deal with those kinds of thoughts by reminding myself that it's "the PTSD" talking. But, I'm kind of curious, so I have a question, if you don't mind me asking. You expressed the thoughts in the first person. "I am bad..." etc. Is that the way you experience them? I'm asking because when I experience that sort of thing it's usually "You are...." It's just an interesting difference and I wonder if it makes a difference, or if there's a reason there's a difference.

How do I handle this shame of my therapist seeing my body shake and shiver?

OK, about that.... You feel the shame, and that's bad, but what's the effect of seeing that on your T? Anything? Is this something your T was previously unaware of? (I'm thinking it's not.) Or is this just the first time she's seen it?

I think maybe I'm answering your questions by suggesting that you can deal with it by taking it apart into pieces and then examining the pieces. (Not where I thought I was going with this, at ALL!) At least for me, doing that removes a lot of the power from what ever is causing the disturbance.

 

[Kefira]

There's an interesting article on Metanoia regarding PTSD from long term suicidal ideation or from suicide attempts. I'm sure not everyone would agree with the opinion, but it's thought provoking at least. I can't link due to spam filter but here's a short excerpt:

"People who suffered suicidal conditions, particularly conditions that were chronic, recurrent, or included one or more attempts, may also be victims of PTSD. According to its definition, PTSD may result when a person suffers an event or situation that is outside the range of normal experience, exceeds the individuals perceived ability to meet its demands, and poses a serious threat to the loss of life.

Suicidal people meet the formal criteria for PTSD. Severe and prolonged suicidal pain is not something that most people suffer. People in suicidal crises feel that they are at the breaking point of what they can cope with. Since 30,000 people die by suicide each year in the United States, it is a condition that poses a serious threat to the loss of life."

Just my two cents.