Flashback Types And T Grounding You

[mytai]

So I have a few questions before I go into see my T tomorrow.

First: What different types of flashbacks do you experience? I personally have only had flashbacks where I experience it like it is currently happening to me. Body memories are different and I know they aren't happening at the present time, but I can feel the 'act' happening.

Second: How does your T found you during a flashback? What is helpful for you? What makes you feel safe?

For me I have not had a positive experience with past T's and having a flashback in their presence. One of my past T's actually came over top of me and hugged me during a flashback. It was terrifying, not only did she come over top of me which is scary but she had me in a tight hug/hold. I shared this experience with my new T and told her that it was a scary experience for me, I told her that the fact that she came from over top/ behind me and hugged me was what made it so scary for me. My T reassured me that she would never come over top of me, or from behind.

I have never had a flashback in front of my T, I don't know what I'm like anymore because it has been so long since someone has witnessed it. I know in the past I had a tendency to hide in a corner folded up with my knees to my chest. The reason I'm asking these questions is because I have been having a lot of flashbacks the last few days and I want to be able to give my T some sort of idea of what I think might help me IF I have one in front of her. I know what doesn't help, what makes it worse and I've already shared that - but I also don't have any ideas of what might help me. I know what helps one person may not help another, but I'm looking for ideas - I may not be good at coming up with ideas on my own as to what helps but hearing others suggestions or experiences gives me an idea if it might work for me.

 

[Angelwings]

My T talks to me, tells me to try to look around the room and then has me name what I see, what colors are there, what am I wearing, things like that. She has me take deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Tells me that it's not happening now, that it's in the past....she makes me unclench my fists and stand up (if I can). If she can get me on my feet she'll have me walk around and name things that I'm seeing in the present while I'm walking.

 

[DMerish]

What Secret mentioned sounds very sane to me; however, this assumes that Secret is able to hear her T and follow directions at the time. You may or not be disconnect to the point of not being able to hear. I suggest that you really think about how you've felt during one or some of your past episodes and what it is that you might have liked . . . Your former T tried to hug you: you know that wasn't helpful. What would you have preferred she do?

 

[Angelwings]

When I have a flashback and I can't hear her I don't know what she does to help me. I know she sits me up, but that's a lot of body contact. There are other things that she does with my body to get it to realize that it's in the present but I'm not sure I know how to explain it. She has told me before what she has to do. Sometimes she just has to let the flashback finish.

 

[DMerish]

I'm confused by your last post because in your first post you wrote "I have never had a flashback in front of my T, I don't know what I'm like anymore because it has been so long since someone has witnessed it."

So, in your most recent post above were you referring to what your former T did?

 

[mytai]

@DMerish To clarify. I have never had a flashback in front of my current T. The last time I had a flashback in front of a former T was when I was a teenager. I was probably 16 at the time, so that was 7 years ago. What would have helped me then would be very different from what would help me now, as I am in a completely different place with more traumas.

I don't know if hugs in general are ok, it was the way my former T hugged me. It made me feel trapped because she was leaning over top of my body from behind.

 

[DMerish]

I think a hug would freak me out too and not be helpful at all! I like hugs from people I know, that I'm close to, during happy events - but not negative events. That's just me.

What would have helped me then would be very different from what would help me now, as I am in a completely different place with more traumas.

Of course, you're older and different now. But do you know what would have been helpful before, and if you do know are you sure it it wouldn't be helpful now? Or do you just think it wouldn't be helpful?

What do you think would be helpful now.

 

[mytai]

That's the problem, I don't know what would be helpful. That's why I'm looking for ideas to make me think what might help. I don't know if what my T does for my dissociation would be helpful in the case of a flashback or if it would make it worse. I need help brainstorming.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi @mytai!

I don't have any words of wisdom here, but I just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you today! Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're afraid to have a flashback in front of your T? I understand the fear, as I have the same feeling, except mine is with touch to feel safe and fear of crossing boundaries. Just remember, your T always handles your dissociation well, so if you do have a flashback, I'm sure she'll handle the situation appropriately! When you post about your dissociation in therapy, I'm always amazed at how you and your T work together to overcome the obstacles!

If you don't mind sharing, I'd like to about your session! I'm really rooting for you! :)

 

[mytai]

@HollyBeans27 I will post about the session in a few hours. Too long to type on my phone. I recorded the session so I would remember what was said and what I said just in case. I'm going to listen to it before I write about it on here.

 

[mytai]

Yes @HollyBeans27 I'm afraid to have a flashback in front of my T.

I went into see my T yesterday stressed out about the holidays and potentially having a flashback in her office. She knew I was stressed out about the holidays, so we spent over 30 minutes just talking about it and making sure I knew how I was going to handle it if I needed a break from a drama creating family member (not my abuser).

I started getting tunnel vision and I could hear my uncle's voice talking over my T. Going back and listening to the session, once my T realized that I wasn't just dissociating I can hear her getting up and moving to a different chair closer to where I was on the floor. She tried to talk to me to remind me it wasn't happening now, and to try and tell her what was happening if I could hear her. There is silence for a while, then I can hear my T kick off her shoes and come sit in front of me.

She told me she was going to put her hands of the tops of my feet to try and ground me. She kept talking to me quietly, telling me what she was doing, to try and feel her hands on the tops of my feet, to come towards her voice and the music playing (she now plays quiet music during our sessions because I find it helpful). She kept saying that there was nothing in her office that was going to harm me.

When I felt the flashback ending I could still hear her saying nothing was going to harm me here, and I could feel her hands on my feet. Then I started to cry, which is also something I was terrified of doing in front of my T (not because of her but because my uncle would punish me for showing emotion). I was wearing a sweatshirt that had a high neck on it so I pulled it up over my face so she couldn't see me. She told me that I didn't need to hide.

She told me she was really sorry for everything that happened to me. She tried to give me a pillow at one point and she told me to yell into it and she was going to yell with me. I couldn't, it was too much for me, that would be like saying I felt anger for what happened to me and no matter how much I think about it I can't feel anger towards it. My T then moved next to me and told me she putting her hand on my back but that she wasn't behind me or over me, because she knows I don't like that.

And I started to hyperventilate cry, basically this happens when I get so overwhelmed with emotion that I end up crying so hard I hyperventilate at the same time as I'm crying. My T immediately told me I was hyperventilating and that I needed to try and slow my breathing down. She kept telling me that I was doing great (don't feel like I was doing great). I got my breathing under control. But then I started to feel like I was slipping off, like an odd calm come over me. Not a healthy calm, but one where I wanted to escape to and hide in.

My T still had her hand on my back and feet and knew pretty much right away that this was starting to happen. So she told me to not go to that place, that I let myself have some feelings, that it was the first time I let myself do that and it was a really big start. She told me don't get scared now (I get scared having emotions, she knows this). She wanted me to look at her (which I couldn't). She told me she wasn't going anywhere and that she could be with me in what ever feelings I have. This was the end of our session, so she was trying to get me into a safe place before I left.

She kept telling me I needed to come back, that I didn't need to be afraid because nothing bad was going to happen. She talked me through my breathing because I stopped - which is what she says I do when I'm going to dissociate. She reminded me to just do gentle breathing and stay away from the heavier breathing because that would take me into the emotion and I don't want to do that right before I leave.

She said I did great during that session. She said Merry Christmas to me, told me that next year is going to be a better year for me. Told me to sit in the car until I could get myself together. She said she knew I didn't want to look at her but that it was important that I did right then - she was rubbing my arm and she bent down to look into my face (I still couldn't make eye contact with her).

Honestly I'm freaking out that I had a flashback in front of her, and cried - especially to the point where I hyperventilated. So now I don't see my T until the first Friday in January. She wanted me to try and come in on Monday but I don't know my hours for work so I couldn't actually book an appointment for a specific time with her. We booked all of my January appointments, but I'm so embarrassed and nervous to go back after yesterday. Honestly everything my T did helped, or at the very least didn't make things worse for me (which is a huge positive). Maybe my feelings will change over the holidays and I won't be so nervous and embarrassed to go back in January.

 

[Britt.f7]

What an accomplishment. And it was an accomplishment. Yes, it stunk to have to go through any of that, but you made it. Your t sounds especially understanding and helpful. Only great things can happen if you keep going. Not that they will feel like great things, or that you will want to go through them, but it is a very good place to be. I know, I've been there. I have to say your t helped you much better then the therapist, and other team, that I had while I was in patient and that happened. They kept trying to push me into group, not letting me process what was happening or helping me through it so that I would be stable. It was a very awkward group.

Please try not to be embarrassed. This really is a good thing. Not all good things feel good unfortunately. Not where PTSD and therapy are connected. Consider yourself safely hugged.