Flashback Types And T Grounding You

[ButterflyBean]

Way to go @mytai! I know it doesn't feel like it, but you made a lot of progress expressing your feelings, and allowing the flashback to happen, in front of your T! I hope that some part of you can see that your session allowed you to build even more trust with her.

Regarding the eye contact at the end of your session, I can see where she was coming from, and it will come with time! She probably needed to know that you were in a place where you could leave the office when she asked you to look at her. I want to reiterate that it's okay that you could not look at her; however, even just a little bit of eye contact reassures her that you are in the present.

She wanted me to try and come in on Monday but I don't know my hours for work so I couldn't actually book an appointment for a specific time with her.

As far as going in Monday, I really think it would be a good idea if you can! Could you email her when you find out your hours and see if she still has time to see you? You made such good progress, and I know the holidays are difficult (trust me, I know), and I think any extra support she is able to give you is crucial!

One quick question. Your T sounds especially wonderful, as are both of mine, and I'm wondering how long your sessions last? I'm guessing 90 minutes, considering the dissociation that happens? I don't dissociate per say, but lately I've been finding myself becoming scared in the middle of sessions, needing extra touch, and feeling like I'm crossing a boundary, even though I know I'm absolutely not! My T's don't mind holding my hand at all; it makes me feel safe and lessons the emotions when they get intense! Anyway, I just want you to know that I can relate about expressing emotions! I'm always afraid that if I breakdown. I won't be able to get myself together in time. So, about a year ago, I started doing double sessions with one of my Ts, and that's when I can sometimes let myself feel my feelings.

That said, there is no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed! What you showed your T is nothing she hasn't seen or can't handle! (I got scared that what I was experiencing was too much for my T to handle, but she reassured me that wasn't the case; I've been with her for a long time, so she's been there for a lot)! Please be gentle with yourself, and try to realize that you made good progress and an awesome accomplishment! I've said this before, but I truly enjoy reading your posts and following your journey in therapy!

Gentle, safe hugs, if you'd like them; keep up the awesome work! :hug::)

~Holly

 

[mytai]

@HollyBeans27 I am actually only there for 50 minutes. My T and I have talked about her touch policy, essentially she just uses discretion with each client. She clarified that she isn't a touch therapist when we talked about it. It was a good discussion and one that put me at ease, I know her stand point, I also know that she puts a lot of thought into whether touch would help or hurt in a situation.

I did contact my boss, he said we are supposed to be working regular hours so I just called my T and left a voicemail asking if she had an appointment before I'm supposed to work that I can take. So I will wait to hear back from her about whether it is still available or not. I'm not her only client after all.

Thanks for the hugs.

 

[mytai]

And I just realized how much I hate hearing my voice. I'm glad I recorded the session, because I didn't remember everything my T said. But it came through as familiar when I was listening to the recording. But UGH I hate, hate, hate hearing my own voice.

 

[mytai]

My T called back, she is going to see me on Monday. I'm actually very anxious about it. I'm finding it very hard to think about facing her after yesterday.

 

[HelenB]

I just picked up this thread from the link to your other one. You have done so well in the way you have handled the situation and I am so glad to hear that you have such a sensitive and good therapist. I am glad that you are also able to go on Monday and though I know it must feel so hard it is good that it is so safe, and I really hope you are able to reassure that into all the parts of you, which are understandably finding it so hard to feel safe and allow all the emotions to come out and have a voice.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

I'm trying to do things differently this time around @HelenB . I've been in therapy on and off for 10 years and not made any progress at all in that time so obviously I need to change how I've gone about it. I've been very stand-offish with therapy up until this point. Very untrusting or too trusting (yes I believe you can be too trusting with a person). I've also refused to try new things that felt uncomfortable at first.

So this time around with my new T, who is completely different than anyone I've seen in the past (good thing), I'm trying to try new things. Yes, a lot of it makes me uncomfortable, but I've given most things a try at least once. There have been exercises I have told her bother me, to which we modify them so I'm ok but still get the benefit of it. I read everything she has given me. I'm actually trying this time around.

And it's hard, so incredibly, exhaustingly hard. Therapy has never been this exhausting before. I've never had so much internal conflict going on, wanting to fight what she is doing with me but feeling that it is helpful and trying to go with it. I don't know how to explain very clearly but it is a struggle, not wanting to give up certain things that bring me comfort (like dissociating) but understanding that my T is right when she says it is not helping me but hurting me now, interfering with my life.

Monday feels like an internal conflict day, part of me wants to run to my T, and an equal part wants to high-tail it out of there and stay the heck away. :banghead:

 

[HelenB]

I can relate to those feelings of wanting to run away so much but at the same time wanting to run to your therapist, and also the feelings of wanting to disassociate but finally realising that actually it is not a safe place and will not really bring healing or freedom.

You are being so brave with your determination to face this and I am so glad that you do have such a good therapist, who is able to help you to really be able to face this in a safe way, as that is so often such a difficult balance.

I am sure it must be such a massive internal conflict, as those places inside you must still be feeling so mixed and finding it so hard to trust, and I hope you are able to feed more and more into those places that you are in fact safe, and that as your therapist continues to work so well and safely that those places are able to take hold of that too and really be able to find the voice and let out all those years of hurt and pain, which I would imagine they have been trapped inside with for so long.

Blessings
Helen

 

[mytai]

@HelenB Sometimes I still welcome the dissociation though. I don't usually recognize when it is happening, but if I do feel it happening I want to go with it because I need a break.

I don't feel brave, in fact I feel the exact opposite. I feel so afraid of how I am inside that I only have two options - kill myself, or see my T.

I hope you are able to feed more and more into those places that you are in fact safe, and that as your therapist continues to work so well and safely that those places are able to take hold of that too and really be able to find the voice and let out all those years of hurt and pain, which I would imagine they have been trapped inside with for so long

I'm so fearful of the holidays right now because I've seen that it is ok to let go and go with flashbacks in my T's office, or to cry (although I'm still quite afraid of having both happen in front of her), it seems like every time I get somewhere, or something "good" happens it is shadowed by something bad taking it all away. I know it's silly to fear the holidays for something that most likely won't happen (my abuser getting ahold of me), but the fear is still there.

 

[HelenB]

Being brave is not about not being afraid, it is about having the courage to face your fears, which it is so evident you are doing, and if you did not feel afraid it would be because you are still pushing it all away. I know you say it seems silly to fear the holidays because of your fear of your abuser getting hold of you, but that is not a silly fear. I do not know how you relate to things such as having an inner child, but for me know that for me those fears inside myself are so real, and part of learning to embrace those parts of me and really allow them to come to freedom and safety is acknowledging that those fears are so real, so that I can actually begin really to reassure myself, instead of just pushing that little girl away, who inside is just feeling so terrified and finding everything so hard. I know for myself that I had one car journey recently, where there was so much going on in my therapy, and I literally felt terrified that the person involved was coming to get me. At the time I was driving five hours away from home and had to keep feeding into myself that I was safe and that I was an adult now and that he could not get me and did not even know where I was, and even though that fear in the now sense could have appeared so illogical, acknowleging it was a real fear and allowing those parts of myself to really have the comfort and reassurance they deserved was so so important to me and I know still is.

I also think that It is totally natural that you would still welcome the dissociation, as this has been your long worn path towards survival, yet as I am sure you will know, even though it feels so much easier for the time, in the long run I do not believe it will ever really take it all away, and for me, though I still do struggle to not go there and at times do still just shut it all out and do not feel I can cope any other way, I have come to realise more and more that actually that is not a safe place, and is part of shutting out that inner child, when actually true freedom can only really be found through actually facing those fears within the safe places which you do now have and allowing them to also come into the freedom and safety which you now know in your adult self.

I really do believe you are being brave and though killing yourself must still feel like such a massive temptation and option, I do believe that as you do allow yourself more and more to face this, you will find the true freedom, which you and all those other parts which still feel so terrified so much deserve.

God Bless
Helen

 

[littlelostchild]

Mytai - thank you for posting this thread. You are being so brave and sharing your experience is helping to give me the courage to take more risks in my therapy. You are amazing!

 

[mytai]

I do not know how you relate to things such as having an inner child, but for me know that for me those fears inside myself are so real, and part of learning to embrace those parts of me and really allow them to come to freedom and safety is acknowledging that those fears are so real, so that I can actually begin really to reassure myself, instead of just pushing that little girl away, who inside is just feeling so terrified and finding everything so hard.

I never really believed that I had an inner child - it feels like a foreign concept to me. I know my T has said something similar to it a few times but never really named it. Honestly if I have one I think I killed her a long time ago. It's funny (not haha funny) that you mention about having an inner child, because all day today I've been having really disturbing images popping into my head. It's images of a small child sitting in a dark corner gagged and her wrists are tied, her eyes are dark - almost completely black, with ashen skin (not dead but not alive either).

even though it feels so much easier for the time, in the long run I do not believe it will ever really take it all away

My T tells me the same thing. That it feels easier and safe now, but really it is sending me into an unsafe mode. I'm telling my body I'm not safe even if I am - even though in my mind it feels safe.

freedom and safety which you now know in your adult self

This is not something I've experienced yet, or long enough yet to believe in it. Things only stopped at the end of October, and I'm very scared about Christmas because I will only be 10 minutes away instead of the hour and 20 minutes I am where I moved to. Freedom and safety is something I don't trust or believe to be true for myself yet. ...Safety inside my T's office yes, but elsewhere I don't trust it yet.

@littlelostchild I don't believe the words you are telling me (to be truths about myself), but I will say thank you because I appreciate that you believe that about me. I don't believe or feel that I am strong, or brave in the least.

 

[HelenB]

I can understand why it would feel like a foreign concept. When I first considered it it was because the counsellor I was seeing at the time recommended me reading a book called 'rescuing the inner child' by Penny parks. At that time I started to connect with it, but was also right in the middle of my eating disorder and as all the feelings started to come up, I was not in a place to deal with it and ended up effectively running away from it all, ending the therapy and saying I was not going to deal with it.

Over the years this has changed a lot and though at times I still push it all away and hate everything about myself so much, I have come to realise that I can never really silence that screaming which has always been there in my head under it all, and I know the only way has been to learn to embrace that, as that screaming terrified child really is so much of a reality and no matter how much I still want her to go away and effectively be shut up in the dungeon I put her in as I do not want to have to face the pain, I know that will not work.

I have learnt for me that finding safety has come out of the therapeutic relationships which I have had, and know that for me the ministry I have at Ellel ministries and therapy I am having at the minute are still particularly important for their safety, but from that it has been about me learning to offer that safety to myself, because in reality now the most damage which happens is when I am still so destructive towards myself, and as I have been able more and more to embrace all the feelings of fear, terror and grief, which I had never been able to find the safety to release before, I have been able more and more to find safety and security in those places too and come much more to a place of peace which can finally bring some comfort and security to all those screaming places inside.

That said I do still find it very hard. At times I still feel so angry with myself and so much inside me just wants to destroy myself so much. The feelings I know I experienced do feel so overwhelming and I know that at the time the only way I could deal with it was effectively shutting myself off completely and not allowing myself to connect to them. All the disassociation and shutting down to any feeling I know was also such a massive part of this, but also realise that is not actually safe any more, because it does matter what happened to my body and what happens now, and going to that place of shutting it out and not letting it matter can so scary, as I so much just want to end it all so I never have to connect again, and I know that is not good.

I don't know how much sharing my experience will help you, but do hope that as you have that image of that little girl who appears to be so broken and dead emotionally, that you are able to bring some comfort to those places and bring her to a place where she can find freedom from the darkness and bonds which bind her, and begin her journey into the warmth and light, which can bring the new hope and restoration which she so deserves.

God bless
Helen