Fond Memory Of Abuser Confuses Me

[shimmerz]

This might be a helpful link Lewa.

"A fully conditioned child will place full responsibility of any chaos imposed on them fully on themselves. "

https://walkingnarcissists.wordpres...ver-self-destruct/comment-page-1/#comment-975

 

[scout86]

@FridayJones , I often like your posts and I think I've said before, you have a way with words. That last one? Just so you know, I'm giving you a standing ovation. That is SO true and SO well said, I am in awe. There aren't enough "likes" to express it.

 

[garden]

@FridayJones You have a unique way with words and a unique perspective, and I really appreciate how you framed all of this.

Having known love for someone doesn't make the abuse vanish. It doesn't make you a fraud. It makes your heart braver and stronger than most people dream of. Because it's known pain, and fear, and loathing... And loved anyway.

I would not have seen this, but I think I do now. Thank you for your words.

@shimmerz thanks for the link!

 

[ghotiff]

@FridayJones your ability to cut through the fog and describe things as they truly are is amazing.

To add my own humble thoughts to the thread...my second abuser groomed me to think that we were in love etc. while I hated "it" I didn't think of it as abuse at the time. When I found out that he was doing the same abuse to other girls I remember feeling horrible that he didn't really love me like i believed.

Even though this happened over 25years ago I can still get pangs of hurt at that memory.

Abusers can be so amazingly manipulative, my second one was. He manipulated me, he manipulated the other girls and he manipulated the adults and parents to deny it and keep us in that environment.

 

[Dana1010]

I go back and forth with the memories of a sociopath from my past, lurching from one extreme to another. I know he was manipulating me and never liked me, but I was so dazzled by the Dr. Jekyll version of him, I still get lost in that memory, the romance, feeling special like, "Wow, this amazing guy actually sees something in me. I've arrived." And then later in the same day, I will be thinking about murdering him with my bare hands. Wow, it's confusing. And I feel like it re-traumatizes me every time I remember the betrayal after having basked in the romance for a period. I feel like this seesawing must have something to do with why I can't forget him.

 

[ghotiff]

I feel like it re-traumatizes me every time I remember the betrayal after having basked in the romance for a period. I feel like this seesawing must have something to do with why I can't forget him

Yes

 

[Biggirlscrytoo]

I am going through something similar, although I was an adult when I crossed paths with my groomer. I know this person plotted to harm my psyche, but our interactions were so intense I got tripped up. I also feel guilty because I did participate. I should have seen the truth-I'm an adult. You were a child. You were manipulated by a True sociopath. I wish I had some advice, but I am also dealing with shame, confusion, and humiliation.

Wishing you healing.

 

[Sideways]

@garden - every now and again someone writes posts that make me think, "I could've written that myself".

In my head, my 'abuser' was a kind, patient and incredibly generous man. He was well liked and well respected by others, and I hold onto the memories of the kindness he bestowed on me like treasures from the past. In other threads, I have described him as the nicest man I've ever known. And part of me does feel a bit sickened to say it, but I'm still grateful to him (20 years later) for what he did to me.

That's trauma messing with our brain. It's going to take time to heal those warped thoughts, but I can't condemn myself for liking him. I was a child, and most of the time, he was more caring towards me than anyone else in my life, so it's okay that I grew up believing that. It's just that now, it's time to confront the truth of the matter so that I can heal from the trauma.

The truth is he was a paedophile, and I was an innocent child. And we need to keep reminding ourselves of that until we finally believe those words.

 

[shimmerz]

The truth is he was a paedophile, and I was an innocent child.

The truth of the matter in my case was that s/he was a sadist and cared more if I died than if I lived. I think we all have our own fill in the blank words that take years or decades of therapy to re-frame in our minds. Once I stopped distracting myself with 'if I had done this/that better' I was able to get to those words and healing.

Ragdoll, you do a great job of describing the conflict .... I can feel it in your words.

 

[anonymous]

I remember my adult abuser listening to me and making me feel wanted and admired and loved. I remember him hooking me "in" slowly and carefully, while at the same time my husband had been ignoring me for years. Then I slowly fell for his tactics and left my husband and had an affair with him, but then he started to rape me when I was sleeping with him (when I didn't feel well or I wasn't in the mood) and it all was so hard to deal with. I wanted to stay with him for the attention he gave me, for the love he gave me, even though he was raping me every night. I was torn. I tried to leave him but had no where to go (long story) and so I always ended up going back to him, even though I knew he would continue to rape me.

Finally I did leave him, after trying to do so about 17 times.

 

[I_will_recover]

I am going through something similar, although I was an adult when I crossed paths with my groomer.

I've wonder/questioned/doubted it was possible for an adult to be groomed. I feel like I was with my whole being but how can an adult not know it's happening. Am I that stupid? Mind you it took years on his part but he was soooo successful at it. And... I loved him. <----- that is the hardest sentence I've ever written. I was a victim of csa but by another child close in age but I wasn't groomed. It makes me feel f*#%ing gross and horrible.

 

[I_will_recover]

there is a part of me that thinks I should have no fondness whatsoever towards anything that I experienced with him.

I should have no fondness whatsoever towards anything that I experienced with him. It seems sick that I would remember him fondly at all, look at what he did to me...so I'm uneasy with why I felt all warm and fuzzy as I thought about him. Instinct (or something) is telling me this is wrong and twisted for me to feel like this.

There has to be a bank robber around for a bank to get robbed. Has to be a rapist around for a rape to happen.

I feel like it re-traumatizes me every time I remember the betrayal after having basked in the romance for a period. I feel like this seesawing must have something to do with why I can't forget him.

This. All of this. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I waited so long to read this post because I knew it would rattle me in unimaginable ways but thank you @garden for posting this. I didn't want to acknowledge this it but I need to.

Hugs if you can accept them.