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Man, that's a whole lotta trauma right there couldn't even imagine. You overcame those demons no need to go stirring things up again imo. @CdnCopper.

I joined the site before the merge between mycombat, and myptsd. My intro's buried somewhere in the military area for anybody who wants to read into it. I never imagined the impact talking about it or writing about it online would have on myself. I remember that I had so much anxiety even going back to re-read and check the replies on that initial intro. Or just the overall vulnerability of it.

I've been to therapy, each time as any veteran knows its just pills as the cure all. I tried out therapy, was quickly sent to group therapy and I just never went back. I don't remember what it was about group therapy that through me off though. Probably just hate driving into the city.
I go to God when I struggle with my demons.
 
God is good.

I can't seem to find my original intro any longer so I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing lol.
I'm also not entirely sure whether my symptoms are simply PTSD and not TBI or CTE.

I was primarily a m240b machine gunner in a route clearance convoy as rear security.
We were the first army combat engineers in southern Afghanistan so we laid the ground work and adapted our tactics for the terrain like culverts and Y offsets etc. We had some very experienced squad leaders.
We'd drive to various FOB's and COB's an PB's in southern Afghanistan asking for known routes with bombs to run over.

The deployment started in Baghdad, Iraq and we did right seat rides with the unit before us and cleared routes for about 3 months.
We were always 10 min before or 10 min after something happened so we were fortunate. It was surreal always back at base before the end of the night unless on night missions and always grillen and chillen.

Third month into Iraq they pulled us into company formation after a mission and said we were deploying from Iraq to Afghanistan.
Which was what I wanted cus in 2009 Iraq was feeling kinda uneventful. But basically they through our asses into the moon dust to clear a minefield disguised as a country. Damn near everyone in my unit hit a mine or two or three or five except a couple guys who were astonished how they didn't get blown up and felt guilty about it. An everybody felt at least some decent blast waves from others strikes.

My main trauma I guess you could say was in Sangin, Valley though. That place was, "Taliban HQ, mate."
We ended up stuck there for like 9 to 12 days and it was very eventful.
I didn't want to leave that place, felt like it was everything I'd trained for.
At the same time I'm surprised I did though. God's will and mercy.

My platoon lost no men, we also had a very religious LT we made fun of for being so straight.
But those prayers before every mission had to of counted for something.
Even though toward the end of the tour I was praying for vengeance for my friends who were killed in other companies or platoons.
Every time we left the wire I'd pray that if today was the day just make it quick in a plum of smoke don't leave me alive with out limbs.

We roamed around dirt roads in gun trucks dressed up with packed ruck sacks in the rpg cages like some combat gypsy wagons. :)
But yea phew, time to try and relax.
 
As far as avoidance goes, I do everything in my power by avoiding people in general. Crowds or groups I dont do well with at all. My medals and awards, I have never displayed them, they are all buried away in a box in the attic. Hell I never even went to the ceremonies to receive them. They ended up sending them in the mail.

When you retired, if you did so in good standing you were allowed to keep a Dress Uniform as you are allowed to attend formal Police Functions as retirees...I burned mine. I also rec'd a Retirement Badge and I.D. in a case exactly like the one I carried when I was active. I sent it back. I dont want any of it around.

I also do my best to not watch the news or read cop crap in the newspaper or online. Our union began sending me monthly newsletters, I told them to take me off the mailing list. When my neighbor, a nice old guy, brings up cop talk asking me stuff I always tell him that Im not a cop anymore and I change the subject or simply tell him I have something I have to do and leave.

Some things I cant avoid like seeing cruisers at the side of the road doing traffic stops, sirens, or even hearing helicopters (Had an incident where our chopper was involved), or the constant throbbing pain I have from my injuries. It seems like theres always something new that pops up as a trigger that will bring back on flashbacks, dreams, nightmares.

When I trgger I just do my best to "work through it".

I was primarily a m240b machine gunner in a route clearance convoy as rear security.

During my career I had the Honor of being involved with and meeting some of the Service Men & Women of our Military who did deployments in Afghanistan and elsewhere.

You folks are truly remarkeable and you will always have my unwavering respect and gratitude for what you do and have done.
 
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I have a question I've really been thinking about lately - do any of you guys have friends? I don'...
I don't have many close friends. I sometimes feel that trauma has caused me to avoid becoming close to people as cliche as that sounds. It's not that I do not desire honest and loyal friendship but its that its hard to find. An even harder to build it with others. Coming from a brotherhood to nothing and attempting to establish relationships and trust on that level was non existent. Eventually you get tired of being let down or you just really don't care to be bothered. Seems like any friendships around my immediate areas always lead into temptations with drugs and alcohol.

I am convicted internally when I do wrong. Chastised if you will. So my anxiety heightens around groups because I'm always the odd one out. Its either drink or get high. Plus I've had mild attempts on my life for setups and what not traveling down the wrong path. Tends to have people figure I think I am better than them. But I just don't want to do the same things they do. No point in fellowship if we don't see eye to eye on many things it just leads to hidden hatred.
 
do any of you guys have friends

My supervisor upon retirement calls me every couple of weeks and we have some idle chit chat. Other than that, zero in the way of a friend, buddy or bff.

The so called brotherhood/sisterhood was great...when I was a part of it, but when I walked out the door I became invisible. I went back to the office a couple of times after I retired to visit but I got the feeling that I was the odd man out on what was once a double date. I never went back. My so called support system, for what it was, vapourized.

My wife knows about my issues obviously and when Im having bad time of it she leaves me alone to work it out. I dont talk to her much about this stuff.
 
I am a sexual abuse and domestic violence survivor;

My ex wife was also extremely abusive, both physically and mentally. I walked on egg shells and slept with one eye open for a long time until she decided to have an affair and take off with guy.....who was also a cop.

These particular traits didnt rear there ugly heads until after we were married and became increasingly worse as time went on.
 
I do everything in my power by avoiding people in general. Crowds or groups I dont do well with at all. My medals and awards, I have never displayed them,

Same here.
My career was ended under a year after we got back. So getting out was real sour.
I answered the questionnaires honestly and checked the boxes next thing you know I'm non-deployable and marked as a problem for a new chain of command plus I was a belligerent alcoholic lol. An I didn't hold my tongue often.
I was tired of all the shit honestly. Broken down shins and joints.

They plastered up one of my article 15's on the wall at the company for all to read quoted, "f*ck it, I'll take whatever punishment you wanna give me." Nothing to be proud of but damn I caught a whole lot of hate and was sick of it.

Stripped my rank from e4 to e3 then e3 to e1 and escorted my ass outside the gate after taking my ID and dog tags.
I gave away all my personal gear and stuff to the guys before I left and told them to take it easy.
General McChrystal himself even gave me a coin in Lashkargah, shook his hand and then threw that coin out of the gunner hatch some time later.

Wasn't a big fan of him altering the ROE so you had to let civilian vehicles through your convoys. That was my area. I'd hold off miles of traffic for quiet some time in order for guys up front to investigate potential ieds.
 
Well I'm a survivor of a sexual assault when I was ten by a teen neighbor, friend of the family, and my only friend at the time. He was 14 and so much bigger, stronger than me. This memory came back to me about a year ago in full force and I'm 34 now. I knew I was ten when it happened because 4th grade is a blur and for several years afterwards my grades plummeted and I got shoved into special education for a long time. I couldn't tell anyone after the assault because I was threatened with death, twice. Being ten my idea of death was when you didn't move anymore and that's all it took.

It's interestingly cruel to think that you remember a soreness of a body part from such a young age but a bruise or a deep gash is lost in oblivion. But now I carry other pains with me. I've had 4 inpatient stays spanning over a decade and though I carry another mental health dx those past life experiences continue to influence my perspective of contemporary life.

So now I've been in therapy for seven months with mostly once a week sessions. I take six different meds and am drawing disability. I told my mom and gramma but not my dad yet. Actually, my dad told D to stay the hell away from me after my dad caught on that D was mistreating me in other ways. Name calling, gut punches, so on and so on.

I hope to heal. I will. Just not now.
 
I have to point out that I don't believe that female CSA survivors are automatically thought of as probable perpetrators - only male CSA survivors. Have you found this to be the case?

Sorry for the slow reply, I am only just now seeing your question, and to answer, Yes, this seems to be the case for me.

Even close friends get skittish of having me near their children. I myself am nervous around children for the very reason that others may suspect me to be a perp, when nothing could be further from the truth.

I am actually protective of animals and children, even ones that I am not directly responsible for....and why wouldn't I be? I know what it feels like first hand to be abused, molested, beaten, battered, etc.

Anyways, I don't think I would be suspected of being an abuse perp, simply because I was once a victim, if I were female.
 
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