Childhood For Those Who Experienced Neglect And Abuse Growing Up: How Hard Was The Transition To Adulthood?

[Fadeaway]

It took me until age 62 to find my natural talent and ability,

That is so hard. I am in the same boat but I am about 20 something years younger. I actually became obsessed with trying to find just one thing I could excel at. I tried several quizzes and even did a workbook thing. The common question those self help programs have is the question, "what did people say you were good at when you were young." Let's see here,

• making people miserable
• being in everyone's way
  
• apparently, I had a special gift for being an ungrateful snot.
• being a burden

Those were the only things I was told I was good at, so how do I turn that into a career.

I am so happy you have found your talent. I am so sorry your gifts weren't recognized.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Fadeaway,
The first thing which helped me discover my direction was accepting I was a true introvert. I took that personality quiz online, the Briggs Myers Type Theory or sometimes called the 16 Personalities Test, years ago, and it said I was an introvert. Looking at that and the different possibilities for career choices gave me several possibilities for a profession.

And I took a long hard look at Stephen King's career as a writer. I read his autobiography. He writes about the very things you listed, making them into characters in his stories. People love reading those horror stories.

I love to write in a similar way. Though my stories are part thriller and part introspective. A thriller with literary tendencies. My first stories were terrible. The more I wrote the better I got. I actually base my characters' pasts partially on the horrific murders I witnessed as a child and my psychopathic, serial killer father. I use everything I suffered through in my childhood as a "tool" to write stories... and I love the results... and so do others.

 

[Ronin]

"what did people say you were good at when you were young."

Honestly, some of those? I can totally see as gifts, and a way to survive, just with utilizing them.

So not 'bad' things at all, even though they were tossed at you by abusers who didn't know jack of life and couldn't appreciate you Fade.

 

[scout86]

It was a piece of cake and a huge relief. I felt like I'd been looking out for myself since day 1 anyway and once I was on my own, there was no one to tell me I was 'wrong' and leave me to figure out how.

Granted, there was (and is) a lot of 'normal' stuff I missed out on and still don't always recognize, but not having to answer to anyone who was just going to not be satisfied, no matter what, was huge.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

workbook thing. The common question those self help programs have is the question, "what did people say you were good at when you were young."

My mother used to tell me I had a great imagination. She was a narcissist, big time. N's say that a lot when they want their scapegoats (me) to shut up and not talk about things happening within the family to outsiders.

I was often told by English and creative writing teachers that my words were so dark that I'd never be published. They praised me for writing "pretty prose and poetry." Yet in my heart and mind I wanted to write about the horrors I had witnessed. I secretly wrote about my childhood using nicer sounding words which described those atrocities.

"Verdant seas of grasses swaying in the wind." I watched them on the deserted island after seeing my father's crimes. The pleasant memory sandwiched between two bad ones.

My mother used to scream at me and asked me why I couldn't be like my older brother. She'd say that after finding my dolls with their heads, arms, and legs ripped off them.

The best part about all of this? It's material for stories. Little bits and pieces can go here and there. Can be altered slightly are even more so depending on the story.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Fadeaway The things you excelled at as a child, you're not alone. I think that many of us that came from dysfunction/dysfunctional homes could also fall into those categories. I was called so much worse, and told I was worthless so many times.

One time my mother and oldest sister called each of my other siblings into the room with them, (one at a time) closed the door and then told us that we were adopted and our real parents didn't want us. I think I was about 5yrs old when this happened. BTW! None of us were adopted, just my mothers sick sense of humor. When she had me hysterical, she laughed and said it wasn't true.

The one thing I think is vital to healing and that all of us need to do..... Is to find ways to stop the inner critic, the negative loop that plays over and over again that tells us we are "nothing human beings". It's not true, it's a lie, it's fiction that came from very sick people. It is NOT who we are. It's just projection from very very sick people....

 

[VioletButterfly]

do you guys find it was harder to enter the adult world? do you wish you'd had parents who'd loved you?

Think I have one foot in and one foot outside of the adult world. I've come to understand that I'm a pretty classic case of a card carrying member of the ACOA (adult child/alcoholic), ACON (adult child/narcissist), and CPTSD societies. I'm practicing acknowledgment without judgment, self acceptance and self compassion right now. It's an hourly endeavor for me to feel certainty about acting as an adult as I'm not quite sure what that means right now. It's kind of like I do the "shoulds" in life, and tend to business administration and functional self-care matters, but much else falls away. I have been pondering this state of being lately as I'm not feeling very competent. I keep wanting to run away from everything. I feel that I need to do some work on my confidence. I have been (and am) quite capable, productive, functional, intelligent..... I just don't feel like that much of the time right now. Not sure if it's the stress of real-time stuff on top of CPTSD and medical or dissociation? Maybe a combination. Fear seems to keep grabbing the wheel.

I seem to fall down harder in the emotional self-care realm though. I know this is learned though so feel that when I am able, I will heal in this area. This is where I turn to faith. Holding my own hand here with a death-grip on the folds of a robe while taking in all light coming my way when possible. One day at a time.

Parents and love? What does it mean to love? What does it mean to be loved? In the physical world, I'm not sure. A lot of it seems to be conditional. I really don't understand what my expectations are allowed to be. With regard to parents, I've trying to reconcile this and come out with a "they did the best they could." I don't really understand relationships. Guess I have work to do.

I do like what @Ragdoll Circus had to say. Spot on and liking that post 100x. :tup:

 

[8888]

I was sexually abused but not by a parent. I was not neglected. But transitioning into adulthood has been hard for me because I have a fear of sex/intimacy/dating and I have codependency issues.

 

[shell]

I was high functioning and still am, as a child I learnt many skills from being abused, how to work hard, cook, clean and to be independant.

As soon as I was able, I got a job, within two weeks I had moved out of home, and for me the freedom was great, there was no one to physically hurt me.

I struggled to make friends, have relationships that were respectful, and self care didn't exist. What I didn't realize that I didn't have the ability to regulate my emotions, I was afraid of people and at the same time incredibly needy.

It took me nearly 50 years to get help and start to really experience life, and to start healing.

 

[Friday]

• making people miserable
• being in everyone's way
  
• apparently, I had a special gift for being an ungrateful snot.
• being a burden

Those were the only things I was told I was good at, so how do I turn that into a career.

So you
- Inspire people & help them see their true selves (not your fault they're miserable SOBs)

- Are always there in a pinch, naturally know where the action is, & can anticipate people's next moves

- Have standards & don't accept lies as truth (don't piss on me, & tell me it's raining, much less expect me to thank you for it).

- Are naturally a team player. (Also not your fault your team sucked, and didn't want to share the ball, much less work together, or take joy in doing so).

 

[Sideways]

@Friday - that was awesome!

 

[LadyZane]

becoming an adult has been HARD, as no one bothered to teach me any relevant skills. they just didn't care enough. but i've had friends who were left to their own devices and turned out okay: maybe their peer group provided what they needed or their teachers were competent or who knows what.

mental health issues aside, do you guys find it was harder to enter the adult world? do you wish you'd had parents who'd loved you?

YES to all this. I don't know how I managed to get through my 20s on my own. I had literally zero reliable adult role models growing up and really only my mother to learn from. Much like others have said, she taught me a lot -- that I was impossible to deal with, that I was uncooperative and unlikeable, that my ideas were stupid, that my feelings didn't matter. It took me into my 30s to end my unhealthy relationship with her, and now at 38 I'm still not sure how to navigate respectful, healthy friendships and romantic relationships. I'm pretty sure my marriage isn't very healthy -- my husband's not abusive by a long shot, but he's just as F-ed up as I am from his own traumatic experiences, so neither of us gets the support we so desperately need.

I think that's the problem -- you asked if other people ever wish they'd had parents who loved them. My answer is oh my god yes, every minute of every day. I feel like my whole life is built on an unstable foundation, because I had nobody to help me build one when I was in my formative stages of life. I had exactly one person who seemed hell-bent on destroying me faster than I could grow. So when I'm upset now, and I turn to my husband, it's like nothing he could say or do would be the "right" thing, because he can't go back in time and un-hurt me all those years ago. Nobody will ever be able to fill in the gaps or restore what was lost. The damage is done, and there's too much of it. All the self-care in the world doesn't change that, and it doesn't teach me what it's supposed to feel like to give love and be loved in return.

Last spring I had a dream that a favorite celebrity "adopted" me and became a supportive father figure to me. I was so happy in that dream. I felt valued by someone, like I was worth investing personal time and energy in. At least for a minute, in my sleep, I knew what it felt like, right?