For Those Who Have Been Traumatized From Within A Group, or Groups

[goingonhope]

The No Space (Yes Traumatic!) Story, was going to be the title of a rant which I've now rejected and excluded from any thread.

But how then do I talk ever share such personal trauma. Nobody would believe me, that such acceptable cultish, grossly negative dynamics and mental and emotional abuse and neglect once tore (and still tears) me to pieces.

This is about as far as I can go at this point tonight, but if anyone has ever been or is being negatively brainwashed or abused from within a group please share something, anything at all might help.

 

[goingonhope]

Vent:

I really, really, really want to cry and scream and wail like child, and then a whole part of me just want to kill while not causing harm to anyone, but myself. This is not good thinking for me, but I want to do it to make others happy. I want to make others right. Others could gleam some satisfaction from the story they tell themselves and gossip about as to just why they lost another fellow member. (As if they'd know little to anything)

Feel strongly compelled in my own terribly-ill-thinking way as to give such others what they crave. What they've been willing to demand at all costs.

Want to cry and scream stop the filth. Stop the abuse. Stop the anger and hatred. Stop the lies, gossip, judgement, predatorial behaviors all about there. Stop all that controversy and confusion, and omg that talk of sex and sex and more sex. Stop talking about the sizes of this dicks and claiming that they're God almighty and announcing here comes Miss Prozac to that girl that omg we could've never switched lives with her. It wasn't her fault. She didn't do anything wrong to them. She simply needed and wanted help. Stop, please God make them stop I can't take it anymore, but what choose do I have.

 

[goingonhope]

Doing my best to do a lot of re-reading and found this voice of mine, and now putting it right here, where I feel it's interrelated, reflective, fits and belongs. More importantly hoping it will help me find and claim my voice, trauma and pain, to be dealt with as best I can so that perhaps it doesn't have to underlie my compulsion to now self-destruct and undermine my most important wish in life and this be that I get to reclaim my soul and not have it ripped from me and imprisoned in some mind-trap of anger and resentment.

I so wish to be able to fully forgive these peoples and be set free to be of good and full purpose to others. Key words good, full & purposeful; which also would include this: Don't have to sacrifice my soul, play dumb ever again, and deny my guts and what I've learned in this life in order survive and to belong.

In hindsight I can see where my parents child rearing and my growing up process, has been rather my parents sacrificing me and arranging to suit me for their collective, their borg. Definition of a borg as I see it: Many captured indiv., then broken down, corrupted & brain-washed. Extens. of one mind…one mission. That one mind & mission being that of none other than a self-appointed, pathetic, moronic, murderous being. Sounds like the f’n devil huh? Well, that exactly how the chief culprits and force resulting in my traumatic and debilitating exper.’s are perceived by me, at this time.

Enough for me right now, as perhaps I might lose complete touch with the present, transported back in time, and swallowed the f*#! up. It’s hard to admit that I think and feel this way as I can be very self-judgemental, but if there’s any hope of healing I minus well continue on with the truth.

 

[igasho]

Hi, goingonhope,

I do not know whether I understood your postings right, but what really caught my attention was your sentence that you so much wish to be able to forgive these people, who harmed you.

Your sentence sounds as if you only feel good and full and purposeful when you are able to forgive?

I'd say: First feel your indignation for having been abused! One cannot forgive - in my opinion - if one has not felt at least once, how strong the indignation in the soul is against having been abused. Being indignated about what has been done to you and to feel the rage can bring about feelings of vitality - as strange as it may sound.

I used to do this exercise: Dance to Van Halen "Jump" 3 times, scream, sing, dance, jump, throw pillows at the wall, feel the indignation totally. After 3 times of dancing i was pretty exhausted and went to the bathroom. I put cold water on my wrists - letting wash away my feelings of rage - and cried about what had been done to me. After that I put another kind of music on, friendly music (i use Harry Belafonte herefore) and danced again, but this time with a deep celebration for my own being, for my own pride, for my having survived, for my being worthful, for my being a wonder:-)

To feel the rage - and to be able to express it without having to violate yourself or others - can give you a sense of how much vital, positive, friendly energy is in you. It is all energy - you can use it.

Forgiving for me is something that comes naturally or it does not come - it is not important. To live your life as happily as you can in the here and now - this is important. And you are a good and worthful person even though you might feel rage sometimes.

First feel what has been done to you. Then express your feelings in dancing or sport or whatever helps you and does not harm others. Clean up the house - the inner house. And maybe some time later you will want to forgive and be able for it - or not. Both is okay.

Hope my posting helps.

Friendly greetings
Igasho

 

[goingonhope]

To feel the rage - and to be able to express it without having to violate yourself or others - can give you a sense of how much vital, positive, friendly energy is in you. It is all energy - you can use it.

Igasho reading your comments allows me to see that it is primarily currently me that I am angry with.

I am so angry at myself! I crave some relief so much right now, yet on the other hand, just want to psychologically torture and destroy myself.

THIS WILL MAKE MY FAMILY (of origin) AND THESE OTHERS HAPPY!

They want me away. Gone. Useless and most vulnerable. They needed me this way. They craved it. They poisoned me and sucked the vital, positive, friendly energy right out of me then. And, now through triggers and reliving it's experience it's happening all over again.

Those lies which I once witnessed acted out by the growing numbers and was then forced into me, which I once exposed myself to, now have a life of their own and have been brainwashed into numerous others that now whom in there fear and terror, speak even today not from their own hearts but from the brainwashed mind.

And, now I'm re-feeling it as if it's all happening again to the extent that it once did, because of last night's complete crap which I felt forced to listen to and witnessed for the umpteenth time. Though it is without a doubt happening and ruining people and wrecking their chances at growth healing and recoveries, I still don't think that what once occurred could ever be as it once was before. Om' I hope not!

This is what I can't even put into words and threatens to explode my mind, because it wasn't once, twice, three times .......and it wasn't specifically this or that or something else, rather it was overpowering, specialized, relentless, violent and beyond human strength. It wasn't a crime towards exclusively me, but a crime towards many, many, many people that now blame themselves and/or their illness, and live greater unneccessary suffering while passing along some of the most ineffective tools for living, abusiveness, detrimental lies as truths.

That process is thourough and completed and just one of the chief culprits in it is now dead. Thank heavens, he's dead. Thank God he's not trying to convince me face-to-face of his bold-face lies and filth. Thank God he's not instructing his pigeon to kick the sh't out of his once girlfriend for him out in front of such group. Thank God he's not alive.

Sorry that I'm ramblin here and off course and suggestion for the time being. I'm just so hurt, confused and angry.

I blame myself for not doing the job successfully that perhaps needed to once get done in order to protect myself and the many.

Igasho, so much is rising to the surface right now and only some can be shared at a time, so I'm stopping now and will be hoping to move again towards that recovery of the friendly and loving self which once was rejected, forbidded and loathed by many sufferers of only god knows what.

 

[igasho]

When I read your text I sometimes believe I have a grasp of what you mean. Not really sure about it. Goingonhope, what you wrote is true for almost every abused person. Perpetrators whitewash nearly everything and for a child this is real horror, it is made to believe that white is not white but black, very confusing also when you're grown up. And yes, many people who have get hurt so much do when they grew up not take the right measures to get their inner house clean of all this. It takes lots of luck - tonns of luck to tell the truth - to be at all able to throughsee the lies! Luck that not everybody has, unfortunately. I left my family when I was 15, came into a boarding school - this safed my life! It allowed me at the age of 40 (!!!) to finally understand everything my father had done to keep his crime secret. Had done to the whole family. Up to now I am the only one in this family who was so lucky to have been able to clean up my inner house. But it was no pleasure ride to do this and if one would have asked me whether i want to see all lies uncovered and to see all horrorful connections plain, straight in the sunlight - I guess, i would have said: "No, i can't take this, sorry!" - sometimes I thought my head would break because of all this terrible information which suddenly became so evident. It was barely thinkable. But, I did overcome and and so will you and then you will be stronger than ever and will be more confident than ever and more joyful and selfassured than ever and then you will begin to help others on the way perhaps... and do your little adding to a better and for all truthfully (where white is white and black is black and no lies will be there) world.

It is a stressy process to clear up everything. Perhaps you can have a little "oh, i am a brave person" appreciation for yourself on the way?

Friendly greetings
Igasho

P.S. Do you know the imagination of the inner safe or strongbox? It is an imaginational tool that is intended to help people not to keep thinking and thinking and thinking about something. You can put it in the strongbox, close the door and leave it there till you can deal with it. You can imagine this strongbox however you like to as long as it has good walls and keeps the stuff stored there inside. Mine is like a laboratory and I store my things there in bottles - you can decorate the strongbox however you want to. Just put the backcoming thoughts in there and close the door. Take a fresh breath then.

 

[fin]

I dont know if this can help Hope, I have more and what I have here may not explain perhaps but I am struggling at the moment in some things because of the week that it is for me and so much more besides, it is difficult hope please know you have friends that care and I will try with more but for today tonight this is all I have ...so this is posting now in the hope that this will explain me a little more... I do understand bvrainwashing and being controlled now a little better than before but I still find I can get caught so easily still..

in thso. The thing sis is Someone told me afriend was telling me and doing things that I had no knowledge of and they tried to convince me of my friends mis-friendship, I see things somethings differently and found so much of myself being used to try to convince me that I knew nothing really about my friend, the thing is I only know about my friend what I know I make my own mind up on all counts with people, and I trust myself a little more now than I have done before and try in creasingly round not to just people, I found myself being judged and also my own owrds being used to attack and assault me when I know the kindness of the first friend I found -so for me myself is truer he trusts me to make up my own mind on all things I have seen and heard. He guided me not commanded me as in the ten.

The second while though knocking on my doory may have been a kindness I could tell from what was said over two days they already had an agenda which was to build me up and then break e down, if I had trusted in their word solely I would be broekn down and left as meat and bait.

And this situation has been repeated in my life and I thankyou the emdr srecuing me We cannot always tell the wolfs I struggled but today and this friday just gone I was able to say to one wolf no it is not alright. He manipulated and tried to break me down again just as he did in the past, when I needed help and was abused he left me to swing and face beatings alone but in his name he is a liar because I know the truth and can see whet was happeneing and even now he tries to hurt me by telling me things that if they really worried him he would act on.... no this is breaking people down by dissent not kindness and honesty.

NOr is it trusting me to be able to speak out myself if I need to, when I originally met the man that I do not know he told me he was a friend of hope and hopeless and that was enough to secure him safe passage with me perhaps. But no more I will listen I hope because -I trust myself now and this is thanks to hope and eteranllly looking to hope before when filth seems disguised as anything from a doctor to a train driver, it is trust I see plain and clear before something that might be slanderous or gossip mongering in real world life. they could all be the same I do not know but at the end of the day I can only be true to who I am and regardless I choose to know and trust my frist friend because they have not been unfaithful in their friedmnship of me as I see it, they have guided me through so much in the time I have known them and for their timing I am eternally grateful... I could be dead by now if they had not been so open and ofrth coming .

My life is prescious and he helped me see that, he gave me so much I cannt even count time the time is fast since we are but here now.

My friend I nearly lost I may have done but I think he knows my heart and friendship is real and if not I cannot convince him perhaps. BUt I do think he knows me well enough to know I care and love him honestly in real friendship because I trusted him and still do.

We are all flawed and anyone can perhaps use our flaws to hurt us, I would now be soo more carefull about who I pass my life onto and who I am open with because I have children and I have shared with knowledge with my friends also, we never do anything to place our children in danger and sometimes we cannot always perceive the danger accurately as perhaps a friend might see it sometimes.

I am hopeless with words even if my dearest told me I was very deep, he knows the lehngths perhaps I try to protct and care for my kindness and dear soul lost.

I care on this also that he is found and no longer lost. I would cry at his loss and not for the warning I received because he is my friend, and did not betray my trust or ever abuse our friendship. I see him and al so flawed and there is nothing more that would ever need to be said between us except to know his heart is well and happy.

I have to face this again this week with a cult like entrapment and judgement again since last friday and it pains me but I know I have to be strong and ignore it so much again, for my brother needs this the way it is and for him I can ignore the comings and goings of others.

I was abused withine a group and more than once is what I am trying to say, but I am for sure now aware better than in the past previously, again though it still makes me nervous to post by and I wander if or even how safe I am in my thoughts on this sometimes.

I have a day of it this week to sit and listen to brain wasking and abuser ministering makes me shiver and cold, it is what it is and I will be at peace just as but not the same as she is at peace also. I do er as it has been suggested

I hope that this helps some Hope, I will have more in time I think also. BUt for now dear friend I wish peace to you all. miss me maybe I do sometimes and know I carry you in my heart with me and strengthen for me too


~fin
I am sorry if I am not understandable please be understanding that it is a bad week again for me this week too... more will follow i am sure of, but not completely at the time I am writing this I am afraid also.

*hugs

 

[Noone.]

Hope.

Sometimes less is more.
When you feel your at your lowest, all you have to do
is open your heart and you will find who truely cares whether its family
friends or just some forum friends, sometimes that is truly enough.

Take care.

FIRE.

 

[goingonhope]

Though I'd like to comment tonight, I'm unable to as of yet. I'm very much feeling frozen after tonight's trip out somewhere and participation in. Meanwhile I keep reading this thread over and over. Numb tonight and depressed. But also appreciative and thankful.

 

[goingonhope]

Igasho, fin and firehouse thank you for your responses they are both helpful and deeply supportive. I want to both respond and write more here, as so much has come up. I did personally journal a whole lot as such responses has guided me to new levels of awareness, pain and bits of acceptance, but also some clearer thinking for the moment.

It's just that I feel I can't share what's been learned, re-felt and being re-lived because it's all presently too complex and overwhelming within me presently, too painful and is filthy by nature of abuse. ie. (filthy abusive language and cruel & mean emotional/spiritual and psychological abuse).

And, I'm afraid because when I talk about such filth in relationship to traumatic for me, I fear others will become confused, believe the lie and consider me filthy and deserving of such abuse due to proximity, and presumed concepts in relationship to a certain diagnosis.

All I needed and desired was true help and recovery from within such groups. I didn't ever imagine the constancy in abusiveness, it's impact, that continuing injury to me due to exposure to it and being later singled out for attack by a charismatic-(to a majority, excluding me) ......loser and scumbag that wanted me and my acceptance and couldn't have me and my agreement. Acceptance, sure I could've given him it if he didn't deceive, betray and lie, lie, lie, lie, lie or should I say abuse, abuse, abuse and abuse countless people and myself at his whim.

Feel like I'm doing a big No' No' and shouldn't be discussing this.

Still waiting for a clear enough state of mind to respond to many helpful things already commented here.

 

[blackdove]

GoingonHope. Are you still out there?

I have been in a group for 12 years and can use all the help I can get. I will wait to see if you are still around before adding more. :hello:

 

[blueskies]

"Keep it in the strongbox 'til later ... "

Do you know the imagination of the inner safe or strongbox?

Wow, now THAT's a great idea. Hadn't heard of that one before. I am always looking for new tools to manage my unrelenting anxiety, and I like the sound of that one.

Thanks for sharing that.

blueskies