Friend Advise

[richie80]

One of my very closest and best friends lives about 12 hours from me in Canada. Over the years I have grown close to him and feel that I can trust him with anything. I opened up to him a short time ago about some of the things that I went through. He was never military or in combat and I know he can never fully understand what I went through (especially with him being a male and me being a female). Normally he is very supportive and very helpful when I have those "bad" days. He has never once said anything to piss me off, until today. I was talking to him earlier and he said "I am getting the feeling that you don't want to be fixed". This all started because of the really bad night I had and him asking about it and my feelings.

I responded by saying "I don't know what to say to that". I haven't texted or spoken to him for the last couple of hours because of what he said. In some ways, I feel like what he said was a slap to the face. I don't know if I am overreacting. I really do not know what to say to him, if I should say anything. He has been texting me but I have not responded. I do not know what I should say. He is a really good friend, the bestest friend I have but he really hurt me with his comment. I need advice.

 

[JimOIFOEF]

I gotta say, that type of thinking i have heard of before but never experienced first hand. Civs will never understand even if they want to. Its good that you had a friend that you felt you could share some shit with, but sounds like he needs a swift kick in the dick for a comment like that.

If it is a friendship you want to continue, ignoring him won't get you where you want to be. Sorry I don't have a better answer...shitty thing for a friend to tell you though.

 

[fwduff]

NEXT time you text / speak to him try explaining that being able to talk to him is your way of copping and reassure him that you find comfort in his friendship.
It might be a bit to much for him to take on board as the guys here say baby steps for both you and your friend ask him to do a bit of research on PTSD on how family and friends can support you.

 

[Jimmy1]

Just email him some of the goodies from this page. Link Removed

 

[richie80]

Thanks for the advice. I downloaded some things from the Articles page and I think they will be helpful! I think I need to email him and take my time in writing my response.

Jim, I think I will also mention baby steps. Hopefully it will help.

 

[steve1]

I think when we have our "bad days" and ruminate on things that bother us, it may seem to a civy that we don't want to be fixed. But to us we're just reprocessing it. We need to do that. Therapy encourages us to do that. He needs to understand that. Give him the time and patience to do that. The fact that he's still your friend while your going through this means he still cares and that means a lot. A lesser friend would've bailed out long ago. So, help him to understand and he'll be an even better friend.

 

[Squip Mrbearsfriend]

I've always used, "I need time to sort through my emotions. Please, have patience."

For those not familiar with PTSD and it's effects, they don't understand that 'normal' or 'fixed' is scary. We are so used to functioning the way we are, that not functioning this way...is frightening.

From their perspective, it seems that we have a broken arm or a laceration and we should embrace...willingly and rapturously embrace being 'fixed.'

 

[LIllabeth]

richie80,

I think one of the hardest things for both some military and civi friends/family, is that they see the 'uniform' not 'us' as 'people'. They assume that someone in the military is physically fit, hardened, well trained, fearless and capable of withstanding anything. This is how the public need to view soldiers. When we admit that we are having problems, especially non visible injuries, it upsets them not only because they are concerned friends, but it shakes their views of what a soldier should be able to withstand.

Physical injuries come with certain timelines - you break your leg so there is a cast and crutches for three months or so, followed by a period when you use a cane and then it is finished. There are no timelines when it comes to psychological injuries and no visible progression so it is difficult to "see" progress.

I hope you and your friend can come to a better understand of how each of you is dealing with the situation and more on. The articles should help

Good luck from a fellow Cannuck

 

[Sarg]

Lill,

Physical injuries come with certain timelines - you break your leg so there is a cast and crutches for three months or so, followed by a period when you use a cane and then it is finished. There are no timelines when it comes to psychological injuries and no visible progression so it is difficult to "see" progress.

That is a very astute observation, with your permission, I'd like to use it.

Sarg

 

[LIllabeth]

Be my guest, Sarg! My therapist, doctor and everyone I have dealt with in the medical community kept telling me "this is no different than having broken your leg" but all that did was make me frustrated. I finally explained why that phrase upset me so much using that phrase

 

[LIllabeth]

Opps! Obviously my meds from last night hadn't worn off before I posted. Sorry for the inaccuracies and mal phrasing

 

[vikingr12]

To their credit, doctors and physical therapists are trained to give certain time lines for physical wound to get healed. I was told, after 10 years, if you still have neuro-muscular problems, that's it. You will have it forever.

Some mental conditions have a minimal timeline. On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, indicates that a mourning, a loss of a loved one should take a minimum of 18 months to recover. Minimum. If there is heavy guilt, it's longer. If there are other issues, it's longer. Even the DSM has a period of time in order to make a diagnosis of a certain kind. Bipolar for instance, or depression, must have an event that persists for at least two weeks within (I think) a 6 month period. There are measurable intervals for some maladies.

But a patient who is asked or told that they don't want to get fixed needs to get his viewpoint tested. He must know his relationship with you to say something like that. He is saying, he would rather you be clear of a "disease." Well, this is a disease neither he, nor any of us really understand either.

I say get behind the hurt and just sit him down and explain your feelings. Feelings are never wrong. THis is not an argument over how you feel. He can't decide that for you. Feelings are always right.

IF he becomes even more resistant, he may join a list of others now and in the future, who you may have to let go for your own sanity. It hurts but continuing does too.

Man, do I know that so well.