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Friend copying my every move - unsettling me.

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She wouldn't be the first fake in my life. Oh well. I plan to start from scratch with new boundaries when I ever, ever learn them, properly! I coulf not be bothered with any of them now.
Thanks for the replies.
 
For those thinking this copying behavior is minor, flattering, and/or a problem of the OP, go watch Single White Female.
 
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I lost a 25 year friendship because she wanted it for her. She's barely contacted me lately which means a) the boyfriend is back or b) she got what she wanted. I predicted this too, and it's not the first time although the last time was decades ago.

Can you get in touch with the longstanding relationship that ended bc of her involvement and work on rebuilding it?
 
For those thinking this copying behavior is minor, flattering, and/or a problem of the OP, go watch Single White Female.
Omg, I need to re-watch that.

Can you get in touch with the longstanding relationship that ended bc of her involvement and work on rebuilding it?
She aknowledged, actually pointed out, to me how this person has form for this...but she took her side. I had recently told them about my issues (vulnerable, yet outwardly strong) so that was that. They can skip off into the sunset. I'Lloyd never send another olive branch because they've 80% of the time been rejected and then they get an even higher ground, and ego. Done with people. I've hundreds of acquaintances and no real friends, or ever had, upon reflection. Off to watch Single White Female :/ Eva
 
I have someone on the periphery of my life that has done something like this, and it totally creeped me out too. They're someone that it would be too inconvenient to cut out 100%, but I try really hard to not let her know much about my mental health, which is the thing that I was the most uncomfortable with her imitating.
 
This is a very interesting situation and it certainly can be seen from various perspectives. You have have been dealing with some serious lifetime issues and it must be very difficult posting your feelings publicly.
You are very concerned about this friend who has 're-entered' your life and appears to copy every detail.
Your post has attracted many different opinions as to why she is behaving like this and each opinion given could genuinely be the real reason for this behaviour.
She may be copying you because - deep down inside - she genuinely admires you and feels that you are everything in a person she feels she wants to be. She may truthfully/deeply admire the way you cope with your PTSD. She wants a friend.
Even the PTSD could be fascinating her to a point where she really feels the need to emulate your actual condition. She wants a friend and wants to be liked/loved as a friend.
You mention the child raising. Is she raising her children in your image?
If you have children yourself....Is she wanting to raise the children the way you do? Perhaps your friend is thinking...."A happy family group".....
Very often in our society, groups of people or gangs - especially when young - will look/dress/behave like they are all the same. One of the 'crew'. Your friend is lonely and wants to be part of a friendship....Part of your social circle.
Then there is the issue of 'fashion' and 'idols' in our society. There is this 'follow the trend' culture. She wants to be your friend because she sees how you do things and believes she can be the same. "I can be like her.....I will be liked/loved."
You say that she has no 'self-awareness' and her behaviour is 'unconscious'. However, perhaps her own self-awareness is so strong that she does genuinely feel aware that her life is more complete when copying you. Again....Her loneliness could be the cause of this.
Copying others in life is very normal as we often go places or do things because we've seen/heard of others doing it or saying how good something/someplace is.
Maybe your friend feels so insecure of her own personality traits that she needs to emulate someone in order to be a psychologically stronger person. By copying you and being your 'mirror image' she may feel that she will be appreciated more by yourself and - in turn - others.
Do you have other friends? Colleagues? Family?......People you 'hang out' with? Your friend may want other people to like her because she is the 'mirror image' of you.
"They'll like me more if I am like her!"......."I can be part of her life/friends/gang/crew/family."......
Loneliness can affect people in different ways. A person can feel lonely when constantly surrounded by many people. A person may find the company either irritating or simply feeling that they do not 'fit in'. Someone can resent the feeling of having to 'follow the crowd' or 'go with the flow.
A person in that situation can actually feel more comfortable by separating from the 'crowd' and 'going it alone'. Alone does not mean lonely!....However, your friend is someone who needs the company of others and appears to want to be part of a 'social circle'. Alone for her is......Lonely....
Your friend is impersonating you in order to be part of an 'identity' that she feels will help her build her own 'social'/'friendship' skills.
Underneath it all.....Your friend could really be 'wishing she was you'....Rather like a child wishing he/she was a 'superhero' on the movies....."Being someone else can be better than being me."......That could be her thinking.....
There is a feeling inside her that - deep down inside - she feels very inadequate with her own true self. Like a child in a fairy-tale state of mind, finding ways to 'escape reality' for a while. For some people (especially adults), it becomes a deeper preoccupation.
There may be some deeper mental health issues regarding her behaviour. Does she only do this to you? Has she behaved like this with other 'best friends'? Does she want to be someone else in order to 'bury' or forget her own past life issues?
Do you suspect she always tells lies/stories? When she talks about where she has been/what she's been doing.....Do you sometimes wonder if she is telling 'the whole truth'?
Your friend may be impersonating you because she genuinely has no-one else in her life. You mention her raising children.
There is the possibility that - as many a parent may understand - her child/children are her only real company/companions in her life. Your friend could be experiencing the loneliness that often affects parents - particularly if they are single or their partner is working long hours/away from home.
Although it is sometimes considered strange for someone to copy another person, there can be very sensible, logical explanations. Yes....It could just be coincidence. She may simply like what you wear and want the same.
If she considers herself to be a very good or 'best' friend, then the copying can be a common/ordinary occurrence. Best friends/couples can often look alike.
OK....The question here is.....How do you deal with this situation?..........The situation here is the fact that this is upsetting you......However. Do you have to be upset by this?
There could be 100 (or more) reasons for your friend's copying behaviour. You could ask loads of professional counsellors/psychiatrists and end with a different answer. Writing a list of explanations and trying to find a solution for each one would crash this entire site!
The biggest problem to deal with in this difficult situation is the actual problem of how you are going to come to some form of compromise. This will mainly be a compromise for yourself.
One piece of important evidence certainly exists. That is the fact that you cannot take full responsibility for your friend copying you! You cannot control her! You cannot make her stop!
Whatever her reasons. Whether it be admiration, loneliness, lack of self-awareness, confusion of identity, lack of confidence in herself, not feeling valued as an individual in her own right, wanting to be part of your social circle/gang/group.
OK....Whatever her reasons!........One thing for certain is the fact that you'll never solve this mystery.....In all fairness.....Do you really want to solve it?...
Yes....You could simply 'blow her out' of your life. Well. Will it be that simple? Depending on how she takes the rejection of friendship.
On the other hand, you could make your life less psychologically cumbersome by accepting the fact that your friend is constantly copying you. Yes. Many people will find her behaviour 'weird'. However, the real issue here is whether or not she is really doing any serious harm to you.
As long as she is not impersonating you for reasons such as fraud (using your credit card for example) or setting up fake social media accounts and pretending to be you. That would be more of a sinister problem! Otherwise, she is not really hurting you.
You could even be a little more daring and accept your friends behaviour as a compliment! You could simply accept her for the way she is and - in turn - you will begin to see her in a more positive light.
This may even possibly encourage her to feel more confident in her own conscious self and she may even feel able to make her own decisions. A more positive, upbeat approach such as...."Yes. I like that colour. That's why I wear it myself. It looks good on you".......
This could be a good opportunity make the best of this friendship and keep looking at it from a more positive perspective. If her own self-confidence keeps growing, your friend may even 'carve out' her own individual personality traits and develop them further.
The main issue in your life is about how you are going to take care of your own well-being. You were diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 29 following 'CSA' (going to be honest and make the presumption of 'childhood sexual abuse'). This involved you experiencing the traumas associated with it.
Admittedly, your constant concern regarding your friend is not helping with your own recovery but you will need to try and push this issue to one side. You say that you are not receiving therapy at present because you are 'self-helping'.
Much of your stress regarding this friend is likely to be caused by the negativity of your previous life experiences. You will have - and still be at present - been very traumatised by the past events in your life.
Whatever life experiences the perpetrator had, you were unable to control what that person/people did to you.
In some ways there could be certain similarities (where 'feelings'/'emotions' are concerned) regarding your own past, personal experiences. There are the feelings of your friend 'stealing your identity'. These 'identity' feelings may be associated with someone such as yourself who has experienced your past traumas.
Victims of sexual abuse can feel overpowered and would feel that they have had a part of their lives - such as childhood - stolen from them. Whether it be an ongoing abusive situation or a 'one-off' attack, there may be a feeling of 'stolen' or 'taken' identity.
The people who have replied to you are understanding of the fact that your friend is constantly showing you the negative aspects of yourself. You look at her and 'see yourself', like looking in a mirror and only see the parts you don't like about yourself. This can be a feeling that is caused by the the general negative feelings that someone in your situation will experience.
This is again the question of 'turning all this around to your benefit'. Could you start to look at your friend and 'see the positive' traits in her/you? The friendship could even help you to explore further, positive life experiences and encourage you to build your own 'social circle' further. Can you look at her and see/feel what you like about yourself?
You may need to accept the way your friend is behaving and focus your energy on attending to your own psychological needs.
You say that you stopped therapy. Your life experiences have had a great impact on you and this may be a good time to re-consider your counselling/therapy sessions with a professional. You say that you have been 'self-helping'.
Although self-help therapy is a good way of exploring your inner mental health issues, it may not be a sufficient substitute for intense professional therapy. Having a counsellor/therapist whom you can confidentially confide in will help you to explore yourself much more deeply.
Your own issues with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are caused by the experiences that happened in your past. These experiences were caused by someone else. These experiences do not define you as an individual. You do need to place much deeper focus on your self now.
Worrying over the behaviour of your friend will take the focus away from concentrating on your own physical/mental well-being.
This is the time for you focus on yourself and re-engage with your psychological treatment. The past issues that have affected you will need some time to seriously work on and - who knows - your friend may turn out to be very good in the hard times your are experiencing.
At the end of the day, you do have full control over your own identity and whatever happens in life, whoever you do meet, nobody will have the ability to take away who you really are.
 
Hi Paul, thank you for your thorough input, which has continued my thinking. I just want to give my immediate response also.

Yes, it has introduced great differences of opinion/viewpoint, so although terribly difficult (as you rightfully awknowledged) to post publicly, still proving good to have done so.

My mind swaying with every posters viewpoint probably sums up my current brain. I’m even a little embarrassed as to whether this is an issue now; it’s feeling very teenage drama now when I read through my tripe. I do still stand by my ‘freak-out’ because I’m very, very swayed towards Eva’s point of view - in that she wasn’t a friend, nor someone complimenting me. To compliment or mildly admire and copy someone who is built of things you want, absolutely go for it. As I said before, I do this myself.

To absorb yourself in large focus on an individual who is inwardly struggling, possibly outwardly ‘not too bad’, indulge yourself in her life details to every last drop, pretend support, ‘lick her ass’ to embarrassing degrees, give her money (!), purposely cause rifts amongst other LT friends - one irretrievable - like a very, very, untrained pseudo therapist. I have much bigger fish to fry, but I recall her patterns as being exactly the same in the school years, 20 years ago! She attempted to usurp a boyfriend of mine years ago too, who has now passed away. Her language all along has been telling me what she is up to, but I’ve always excused myself as being distorted or mad.

Can I see myself in her view - absolutely. A lost desperate soul, fair enough, then go emulate someone isn’t! I feel like I should show her the full extent of it and see if she still wants to be me. Again; I can’t post everything but there are huge strange areas. I have no doubt that she will read this but it won’t click that it is her. I know the people I have been attracting. And she is blocked from my personal contact now.

The children didn’t come into it, or any social (normal) etiquette of being in close quarters, sharing clothes etc - no. It’s ‘when I move somewhere’ she immediately wants to. When I XYZ she immediately wants to. And so on...that’s including my swiftly changing ideas and distortions. I’d probably get on board with it, if she showed an iota of concern for me properly, but it’s all about what she can step on/usurp/drain/copy/re-create. Her excited said similar of her. It’s not a sexual undercurrent, although she’s suggested that she wants to change her orientation there too. It’s every.single.thing 360 degrees, in the less than a year that I’ve known her! I’m also dealing with past abusers so I’m hyper vigilant and yes, symptomatic. Sorry my reply is a bit ranty rather than structured. I want to work and focus on myself which is why I posted - teen language - was I going mad, or is this girl a total freak, etc. I keep thinking of “Mean Girls” ???
 
I saw this, I've been through this, and seen it done to others. I don't think it's trauma related. I do think it may relate to wanting what is perceived someone else has, or they think they have (even intangibles like respect, happiness or genuineness), and therefore trying to replicate them.

I think it is intensely disturbing for this reason: a person can clone someone else, but if the 'original' would never think of doing that to another, they have cloned the wrappings but in reality are the polar opposite of the interior of the original. So contrary to being alike- they are actually the opposite, not similar. The motivation is 'gain', not 'give'. It's not just cloning, it is misrepresentation. It's the same as someone untrustworthy acting like someone trustworthy. In that way it's unnerving and potentially trauma related, because there is such intent, and we've been privy to recognizing it/ going through it. It is a red flag, but reflects on them, not you. (Yucky feeling though. :( ).

Good luck to you. Real people will know you for you; if they don't they can't value you. No friend harms or 'takes'. Be yourself; 'truly'. :hug:

I should add, seeing this within some of my own family, I think they sometime's want someone else's happiness, their joy; their reputation; their heart. Yet (oddly) the person has the heart they do (and even some of the happiness) as a result of their suffering and trauma. But not the same bitterness or expectation 'something' or 'someone' will change that.

How odd! :confused:
 
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Thank you kindly, Junebug. I Especially like and agree with your last paragraph. I hope I don’t come back again as a kind person! ?

I don’t think the whole thing is trauma specific, which is good, but I do question if my reaction to it is. Still pondering.

I’m gathering that anyone would reacts similarly which is good news. In an ideal world, would one not be thrilled, to be ‘copird’ once it was low-key? But it isn’t low-key and I still would hate it.

I’ve typos in the above post, but I know her ex said the same of her behaviour - no boundaries - she sent me the screenshots I didn’t care to see but was supportive: one of these people who find out everything by giving little bits of themselves. ?
 
I think the trauma part is a) wanting to be invisible/ off the radar/ no attention , and b) knowing why would anyone want to copy the end product, or a current state, of pain? Many of us don't want to be ourselves, at least with ptsd! :(

FWIW, it's been my experience when someone 'gets' what they think someone else likes or has, they never want it. Since it was what someone else loved, but not really them. I've watched family members buy 1/2 dozen cars and toys and 3 pets and 3 homes in different locations, in less years than that, based on what another relative says she 'likes'! :confused: Of course, left with it- they no longer want it/ them.

I should have added @Bry , I would forget about it if you can, unless it's a question of safety or just too creepy and stresses you out. The overwhelming sense of unsafety is probably trauma-influenced.

Nothing seems to change it, re: family, nor compassion they're treated with. And once I remember a woman doing it with an abusive guy with me, wow I thought, if only you knew. :( It didn't bother me because I left the next day. On a funny note, the relative and I said she should post a picture of anything she wants to sell or get rid of, and say 'I wish I could get one of these', and she'd sell it no problem! ;):)
 
I think the trauma part is a) wanting to be invisible/ off the radar/ no attention , and b) knowing why would anyone want to copy the end product, or a current state, of pain? Many of us don't want to be ourselves, at least with ptsd! :(

FWIW, it's been my experience when someone 'gets' what they think someone else likes or has, they never want it. Since it was what someone else loved, but not really them. I've watched family members buy 1/2 dozen cars and toys and 3 pets and 3 homes in different locations, in less years than that, based on what another relative says she 'likes'! :confused: Of course, left with it- they no longer want it/ them.

I should have added @Bry , I would forget about it if you can, unless it's a question of safety or just too creepy and stresses you out. The overwhelming sense of unsafety is probably trauma-influenced.

Nothing seems to change it, re: family, nor compassion they're treated with. And once I remember a woman doing it with an abusive guy with me, wow I thought, if only you knew. :( It didn't bother me because I left the next day. On a funny note, the relative and I said she should post a picture of anything she wants to the trauma part is a) wanting to be invisible/ off the radar/ no attention , and b) knowing why would anyone want to copy the end product, or a current state, of pain? Many of us don't want to be ourselves, at least with ptsd! :(



FWIW, it's been my experience when someone 'gets' what they think someone else likes or has, they never want it. Since it was what someone else loved, but not really them. I've watched family members buy 1/2 dozen cars and toys and 3 pets and 3 homes in different locations, in less years than that, based on what another relative says she 'likes'! :confused: Of course, left with it- they no longer want it/ them.



I should have added @Bry , I would forget about it if you can, unless it's a question of safety or just too creepy and stresses you out. The overwhelming sense of unsafety is probably trauma-influenced.



Nothing seems to change it, re: family, nor compassion they're treated with. And once I remember a woman doing it with an abusive guy with me, wow I thought, if only you knew. :( It didn't bother me because I left the next day. On a funny note, the relative and I said she should post a picture of anything she wants to sell or get rid of, and say 'I wish I could get one of these', and she'd sell it no problem! ;):)



Thanks for that, Junebug. I’m sorry my reply is so late.



It absolutely was creepy and unecessary, and obviously I’ve much bigger fish to fry, so that ‘friend’ is gone - from my eyes anyway.



To think I used to only distrust lovers. Literally animals only now for my mini bits of trust left. (Oh, And you guys.) Thanks for the input. It’s over - in that I’ve erased her from my life for a somewhat easier existence. She’s scooted off with my old friends and everyone is happy. I cannot believe the people I surround myself with at times. I’m becoming aware, slowly.



I wish her horrible-own-messed up-self well, far far away from me - ! Funny, for all the issues I’ve had I never seem to hurt, destroy or take from someone, always, always the other way around.

New therapist next week so I’m hoping to turn things around, again. X
 
@Bry I'm glad you have managed to move on from this person and what she has been doing. I think we all have enough worry in our lives without allowing this kind of person you described, to flourish in our emotional reserves and create havoc.

I have no doubt that she will read this but it won’t click that it is her.

^^This has me so intrigued. I think you have mentioned this twice now... are you saying this person has access to your browsing history or knows about this site?
 
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