Friend copying my every move - unsettling me.

[Bry]

Hi there,
I'm new here - first post - but have read the forums as a form of self-help for the past month or two. I've been nervous to post (and still am). I was diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 29, following CSA, multitude re-traumas, and general life shut and disorders that ensue.
What's bothering me currently, (?) is a 'friend' who I've known a long time, waltz back into my life and copy every single detsil. I'm nothing to copy. But she seems to think this is what she wants and its irking me way more than it should. It's severe copying - from child raising, to looks (hair, make-up, clothes) to 'wanting' to be PTSD. It's humiliating, and I know she has no self-awareness and it is unconscious behaviour most likely, but I'm tired of it. I cut out a friend of 22 years before for copying me constantly, although I was much younger. I despise having my identity taken after all that was taken from me as a minor. How do I deal with such a person? Cut her out or manage my reactions - trying but it's constant and embarrassing when she's trying to twin me. It makes me dislike her a lot. Random first post, but I want to grow and heal and not just block her ASAP (I have on social media but not real life).

Sorry for the typos - highly charged at the latest (to a T) recreation of MY family photo.

 

[Ronin]

Are you certain this is about you, vs. just similarities and different presentation in her life, more about her and the time that passed and the realizations?

IMHO I would look to my side of things, as in why it bothers me so much that she is doing X, and what it says about me (and things I have not processed). Since short of asking her to stop, and removing yourself from her presence (everywhere, not just on the social media), you cannot really do much about her side of things. But you can do a lot with why it stirs up your reactions, in the way it does. Regardless if she is really mimicking you, or that is only your perception.

And another take on this: If you are being mimicked? That can say a lot about there being something (or a lot) to do it for. Which are good news, good traits, ways you coped with life, and on. So something admirable (and to realize as own qualities), instead of hate as bad mirrors.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t see this SOLELY as a ptsd thing. I’ve never “lost” my identity but I’d still dump such a person. I mean I kicked a guy out of my life for mirroring me (as this is a HUGE relationship red flag), so the same goes for friendships, too. If a friendship is so much stress, why keep the person in your life? It’s ok to say goodbye to people who just don’t mesh with us well. The other thing is that this stressful relationship is taking up room in your life that you now don’t have for healthier relationships.

 

[grit]

I am finding it is really hard to know how trauma ever impacts a person. It is like adding a bit of colour to glass of water.
I can sense your feelings of frustration, lack of trust, anger and even envy about this woman or the last friend you dumped.
I really feel this is an area for you that seems to be impacted and maybe (I am just being devil's advocate here) you are little blinded by something else triggering you. Maybe she is reminding you of a person who mirror you in order to take advantage of you. maybe she is so insecure and you are so strong and this is why you have become friends.

Like I said so hard to know what makes each one of us act certain way. All I can say from my vantage point is a friend who is mirroring you is not something that throws most people off but if this is truly a bothersome for you, maybe before you make a definite decision, take it with your therapy and use this feeling as a growing and learning rather than bolting and avoiding.

But I want to emphasize, I really feel your frustration but I also want to give you just my view so you know there are more than one way to see this depending on the person. the most important view is yours but I am hoping it is not clouded with all these other things coming up in your life.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello Bry, Yes I agree that sounds quite creepy and that the person involved has 'problems' You could try telling them outright that you can see what they're doing and it's intolerable but you may be hesitant as to how they will react. I guess the bottom line is if someone is causing you problems and distress then block them out of your life. It's sounds like you have enough to manage without that going on. Best wishes. ?

 

[Bry]

Thank you for the replies. If anything at least it got me to finally post. I know this is about me - PTSD symptom or not - and trivial in the grand sense of things, maybe, but it really annoys me enough to want to get rid and avoid her - and I'm down to one friend and many (not great)acquaintances. I just don't know if I'm over-reacting anymore.
I'm finished therapy now so I'm just self-helping for a while. I value the replies above.
I just think she is ridiculous to copy anyone let alone me. I only reconciled with her recently and she's morphing into me. (I hate me as it is, no need for 2!) Ive gotten rid of exes for less, but won't go there. I can't really describe how it feels, just someone taking whatever I have left...?I'm still looking up words to put it into.

 

[grit]

Hi Bry,

First I think it is not trivial. Anything that pokes our boundary is not! I think sometimes our issues show up in dragons (more scary) or in princess dress (less scary but same sh$$T). Yours is showing up in something that may seem trivial but not really.

I am just struck by this sentence: "I just think she is ridiculous to copy anyone let alone me. I only reconciled with her recently and she's morphing into me. (I hate me as it is, no need for 2!)"

I am wondering and I will throw this out just in case it makes sense to you: That you hate yourself so much internally that you want to externalzing that hate to her because it is easier and more platable! You hate her and she goes away and you get a moment of reprieve! Ooheweeeeeeee I am so happy I am not reminded how awful I am anymore. I cannot believe she was so bad trying to be like me and my badness. how dare! good riddance!!!!!!

and then you are happy for few days, weeks, months or even years (depending who you got rid of), and carry on silently hating yourself and then it gets too much again and you get the itch of hmmmm – getting rid of a person. Your deep feelings go something like : I need to externalize this hate so I can deal with I directly cause it is again very hard to deal with self hate within. OOOH my new friend, Sarah, she is so annoying, Trying to be like me because I showed her my good parts and she loves them but since I hate my good parts and she loves them – she is a thief of my identity! I need to get rid of her! Then your rational side jumps in and goes no you cannot get rid of everyone who shows you of who you are and how good you are. And then you go back and ruminate and then come up with another idea. She is annoying though – just look at her she cut her hair like mine – what a loser. Your brain gets more creative coming up with more ideas about how to get rid of this self hate feeling by projecting to others and eventually because it is untreated part or core issue, it does succeed and boom another friend is voted out of the island.

Rinse

Repeat

Rinse

Repeat.

Eventually, you run out of good people who displays your good parts back to you and you keep only those that tip toe around you because they treat you as you feel – hate of the self! They do have anyting good to mirror back to you cause they watched you from the distance and realized do not show Bry how good she is – she will flip out on you. Just reinforce she is bad cause she believes that and will keep you around forever!

I hope this is not disrespectful scenario of your internal talk (I bet you do not exactly talk like this). I am also writing from my own experience. So take what resonates with you and leave the rest to my lens/baggages etc.

I think you are poking a hornets’ nest of a core issue here.

 

[Bry]

Hi Bry,

First I think it is not trivial. Anything that pokes our boundary is not! I think sometimes our issues show up in dragons (more scary) or in princess dress (less scary but same sh$$T). Yours is showing up in something that may seem trivial but not really.

I am just struck by this sentence: "I just think she is ridiculous to copy anyone let alone me. I only reconciled with her recently and she's morphing into me. (I hate me as it is, no need for 2!)"

I am wondering and I will throw this out just in case it makes sense to you: That you hate yourself so much internally that you want to externalzing that hate to her because it is easier and more platable! You hate her and she goes away and you get a moment of reprieve! Ooheweeeeeeee I am so happy I am not reminded how awful I am anymore. I cannot believe she was so bad trying to be like me and my badness. how dare! good riddance!!!!!!

and then you are happy for few days, weeks, months or even years (depending who you got rid of), and carry on silently hating yourself and then it gets too much again and you get the itch of hmmmm – getting rid of a person. Your deep feelings go something like : I need to externalize this hate so I can deal with I directly cause it is again very hard to deal with self hate within. OOOH my new friend, Sarah, she is so annoying, Trying to be like me because I showed her my good parts and she loves them but since I hate my good parts and she loves them – she is a thief of my identity! I need to get rid of her! Then your rational side jumps in and goes no you cannot get rid of everyone who shows you of who you are and how good you are. And then you go back and ruminate and then come up with another idea. She is annoying though – just look at her she cut her hair like mine – what a loser. Your brain gets more creative coming up with more ideas about how to get rid of this self hate feeling by projecting to others and eventually because it is untreated part or core issue, it does succeed and boom another friend is voted out of the island.

Rinse

Repeat

Rinse

Repeat.

Eventually, you run out of good people who displays your good parts back to you and you keep only those that tip toe around you because they treat you as you feel – hate of the self! They do have anyting good to mirror back to you cause they watched you from the distance and realized do not show Bry how good she is – she will flip out on you. Just reinforce she is bad cause she believes that and will keep you around forever!

I hope this is not disrespectful scenario of your internal talk (I bet you do not exactly talk like this). I am also writing from my own experience. So take what resonates with you and leave the rest to my lens/baggages etc.

I think you are poking a hornets’ nest of a core issue here.

Hi Grit,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I'm sorry I took ages to reply back. I have read your reply a few times now, and your insight has spoken to me a lot! I will defiantly keep this in mind and it is a pattern of mine, unfortunately. She's off the radar at the moment because I'll flip if I see one more ridiculous immitation, and maybe I'm jealous as she doesn't know how much I agonise inside too. I have a limited space for people in general if they hound me! Interesting to try figure it out. I hope you are doing well and Happy Halloween - I do like :D

 

[hithere]

I wonder if you have a fierce need to be seen as unique? So your perception about this is off. Could it be you do have some personality traits that are similar? Could she have the same style as you? Could she like the same things as you? Could she have the same values? Is that what attracted her to you (and you to her) in the first place? If that's a possibiity and it still bothers you, could this be a deep seated need to be viewed in the world as unique and different. You don't want to be seen as having a "pal" or "bud"

However, If someone is "using" me to feel better about themselves, though that is different. I will cut that person off eventually or just keep them as an "acquaintance" I can feel the difference. There have been friends over the decades that I did not keep because they were truly "using" me - trying to get in with my friends rather than a natural progression of me introducing friends. Usually these people were very lonely when I looked at it closer. Or just too "eager" to be with me and do things with me, etc. It just felt creepy and almost like an "invasion" into an area of my life that I was not holding out to them as "open." Someone wants to be my BFF but I don't feel the same way toward them.

I may not have made sense. but just tried to respond. thanks.

 

[Bry]

I wonder if you have a fierce need to be seen as unique? So your perception about this is off. Could it be you do have some personality traits that are similar? Could she have the same style as you? Could she like the same things as you? Could she have the same values? Is that what attracted her to you (and you to her) in the first place? If that's a possibiity and it still bothers you, could this be a deep seated need to be viewed in the world as unique and different. You don't want to be seen as having a "pal" or "bud"

However, If someone is "using" me to feel better about themselves, though that is different. I will cut that person off eventually or just keep them as an "acquaintance" I can feel the difference. There have been friends over the decades that I did not keep because they were truly "using" me - trying to get in with my friends rather than a natural progression of me introducing friends. Usually these people were very lonely when I looked at it closer. Or just too "eager" to be with me and do things with me, etc. It just felt creepy and almost like an "invasion" into an area of my life that I was not holding out to them as "open." Someone wants to be my BFF but I don't feel the same way toward them.

I may not have made sense. but just tried to respond. thanks.

Hi thanks for that reply. In response to the first paragraph - we have nothing in common, she's only wandered back in because her boyfriend left. She didn't want to know me for a certain period of time - a few years - and we have nothing in common except for all of a sudden, we are appearantly twins, looks and hobbies! I will agree I prefer to have a uniqueness but I thighs everybody was like that and do not view that as something I'd like undone. Not unique as in Narcissistic unique - as I've met them(!) but yes to a little different. Why should I? I worked hard to be alive at the age I am for a long time.

Your second paragraph is literally the answer. She usurped a lot of my life in her short re-entrance, and I lost a 25 year friendship because she wanted it for her. She's barely contacted me lately which means a) the boyfriend is back or b) she got what she wanted. I predicted this too, and it's not the first time although the last time was decades ago. That paragraph you wrote sums up what my annoyed ramblings are trying to describe. I have learned proper friendship and absolute usurpers along the way. She's extremely insecure I know that. I don't want to get into too much recognisable detail. I will just phase her out I think.


Sorry for typos. Rushing (and fuming)!

 

[EveHarrington]

She sounds toxic.

She doesn’t sound like a friend at all.

If someone comes into our lives and ruins existing relationships, this IS abusive and you should run from them as fast as you can.

 

[hithere]

I don't think this is a small thing. This person does not sound like she actually wants a relationship with you. Trauma can make us questions are own motives and perceptions, especially with relationships. I agree with Eve. She sounds very toxic.