General Friend's Lack Of Understanding

[Sweetpea76]

Outsiders just don't get it.

 

[Larksong]

Assuming you have the energy to spare to do it, it might be an opportunity to educate someone. I'm so new to all this--at least to knowing what my vet was dealing with. In the last few months I've changed my whole outlook on a lot of things, maybe your friend can too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Was it possible she was also being a bit sexist? I mean in that its ok for a female to be afraid of spiders but not for a man to not want to touch XYZ substance? You know, because he is supposed to be stronger, masculine, blah blah blah.....and not touching XYZ doesn't fit into her idea of what a man should be or do? Just a thought.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

To me this sounds like she does not know what a trigger is...

I do not have PTSD. I remember I used to think flashbacks did not exist until I met a women who was experiencing them but before I thought that flashbacks where something Hollywood made up... because... well I did not have flashbacks... and I was gossiping to her about how silly it was to believe in flasbacks until she told me she had them.

I think she thinks that he just does not like the substance and I think she is clueless and means no harm.

Personally, I would not stop talking to a friend about something like this.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Skewed advice or not, and that's a rare gift, too. Right or wrong, they've got your back.

Sounds a lot like my older cousin, who participated in bringing me up.
I can tell her how I wronged my husband and she somehow finds out how this is all his fault. Why? Because she likes me and "her baby-girl" is never to blame for anything. Ever.
My cousin says mean things about my husband all of the time but I would never stop talking to her.

I actually do think that a vet would understand. Ask my hubby about his best friend. This guy is flawless. Perfect in any sense. Beyond price and anyone who messes with him will have to deal with my hubby too.

 

[The Albatross]

I think that the idea of kicking a friend of 10 years to the curb for a reaction that was not what was expected or wanted (empathy) is pretty sad. That's the sort of thing that jeopardizes long term relationships. It is a cue for a conversation and an attempt to rectify the dispute.

Which wolf will you feed? The one who took offense over one conversation and never wants to speak to a friend of 10 years again? Or... the one who perhaps is able to see the loyalty and good intentions of a friendship of 10 years and give someone a chance to work through it together?

If this tipped me off and I was willing to nix a relationship rather than attempt to communicate and work through the dispute... I wouldn't be able to manage my marriage very well.

People understanding things or empathizing when I want them to is an unrealistic expectation. Even the people who love me disappoint from time to time. During those times, it is up to me to choose how to receive the input even if it is coming from left field and not assistive or empathetic. My own default is "Is this a good willed/well intentioned person?" If it is I give them a pass or take the actions necessary to open a conversation to square it up.

 

[ekane]

I had a very similar experience a year ago with someone I thought was a friend. I ended my relationship with her almost immediately. I was appalled and hurt by her reactions. I explained the conversation to a therapist becuase i was so uncomfortable, i didnt want to talk to her anymore, but wasnt sure how to do it. A therapist told me to send her a very brief email ending our friendship/all communication permanently. Your faux friend lacks empathy so much that she can't even comprehend anything other than herself and her own experiences. She has no ability to grow at all, meanwhile you are a caring person who will continue to grow in a direction that constantly brings more love and understanding and kindness into life. I vote "dump her".

 

[Sighs]

So I just didn't reply to her text asking if we could chat. I guess I didn't know what to say. Anyway, she sent a follow up text 5 days later asking me if I received the first text. I said "Sorry - been out of range or flat out at work as we are a staff member down. All ok?". She replied with "Doesn't matter."

Sigh!

 

[ekane]

Don't respond to her anymore under any circumstances. 100% cut her off. She will disappear and you will grow stronger as you realize you have escaped a narcissist.

 

[mamabuckeye]

I feel ya!

@Sweetpea76 said it best that outsiders just don't know!

I made friends with my husband's boss (so I could try and buffer and soften his harsh side with her) and confided in how he thinks and acts and she tried to understand but doesn't. It's so hard to explain to someone else.

 

[Justmehere]

YES! That's what I was hoping to hear from her I guess - a) some compassion for him but also b) a small high five for the trust and love between him and I.

Why not tell her this is what you needed? She can't know unless you tell her.

So I just didn't reply to her text asking if we could chat. I guess I didn't know what to say. Anyway, she sent a follow up text 5 days later asking me if I received the first text. I said "Sorry - been out of range or flat out at work as we are a staff member down. All ok?". She replied with "Doesn't matter."

I wonder what she was reaching out to you for. She even did it more than once. Your text to her kind of makes you sounds pretty busy and like your hands are pretty full. Maybe she said it didn't matter because she didn't want to take up more of your time and because so much time has past. Maybe she figures you have gotten over it or past it, because you haven't said anything except a text that implies that you already have your hands full.

She may be a dunce at relationships, but even someone with the best relationship skills needs open and honest communication. She can't read your mind, and you can't read hers. I hope consider talking to her, honestly, and not just hoping and waiting for the response you want and getting frustrated and cutting her off when it doesn't happen because you are not telling her there is a problem or what you want differently.