General Friend's Lack Of Understanding

[Sighs]

I made the mistake of sharing a recent incident with my vet with a person I thought of as a good friend. I have known this person for about 10 years and she is intelligent and well educated and has traveled overseas a bit so I guess I didn't think she was a narrow minded person.

Anyway I mentioned to her an incident where my vet asked me to perform a simple household task because he didn't want to touch a reasonably common substance as the smell of it on his hands brought back memories. He said they were not full on flashbacks, but as it was just before bedtime stirring up the memories would prevent him sleeping (which he struggles with at the best of times!) Her response was "That's ridiculous. Can't he just wash his hands afterwards?" As if washing his hands would "switch off" his memories! I said "No, it doesn't work like that." Then she said "Well, can't he just pick up a tissue and touch it through the tissue?" Again I said no. She kept going on and on about how he couldn't just avoid that substance. She even said "But I touch that substance all the time!" At that point I pretty much hissed at her "Yes but YOU don't have PTSD!"

She kept saying it was unfair of him to "make" me to the task. I pointed out to her that I hate spiders so my vet does all the spider killing at our house. Her response was "Well yeah, I understand about spiders but he's just being silly about the substance." At that point I told her that I really regretted telling her about it and that we needed to change the subject and I asked her about the weather where she lives.

I got off the phone as soon as I could. I really don't want to talk to her ever again. She sent me a text some hours later asking if we could talk some time today. I have no idea if she wants to apologise or repeat herself or talk about something else entirely. I haven't replied. I honestly don't think I want to be friends with her anymore.

 

[scout86]

Wow! I can see why you're not sure you want to talk to her again. I hope she was having a bad day and wants to apologize for being such a jerk. Because she was pretty much a jerk, IMO.

 

[theotherside]

Its important to have someone that understands. A lot of people dont get it. I suffer and feel like i can barely share with even my partner. Im up all night too. Its so hard.
However i wouldnt lose a good friend over it, if it could be helped. This coming from a person with no friends at all anymore since my delayed response ptsd has me so isolated and afraid of everyone) but i would let her know how you feel about her reaction and how greatly ptsd impacts your life. I would then either ask her to read up on it and educate herself or just chose not to talk about that part of your life with her. There is people in my life that will never get it and i just spare myself and them..

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So she understands about the spiders......which to many would indeed be silly (no offense) as most are harmless......but she can't understand why a certain substance would be avoided? And not only does she not understand (which would be understandable (ha) as many people do not really understand if you KWIM), but she goes out of her way to be critical.

Do you think that maybe she was trying to support you but went about it the wrong way? Some people are like that.....my mom is like that. I will make a comment about something, and she will anticipate where I am going and try to be "supportive" or agree with me, but oftentimes its in a totally different direction than where I intend to go, so she is taken aback when I disagree with her. Just a thought.

Maybe give it some time before kicking her to the curb? Think it over awhile? Try to talk to her again, and if it really does go nowhere, then let it go? I hate the idea of having "fluffy" friends as I call them......you know, the ones where you have to avoid certain topics because they just say something offensive or can't support you in the least? I don't see those people as friends, so while I don't think its a good idea to just be kicking people to the curb willy-nilly, I much rather be alone than in the company of semi-friends where I have to pretend to be something I'm not or avoid certain topics.

 

[Wastinglight]

Kinda sounds like your vet's PTSD symptoms are a long way outside of your friend's 'norms' and personal experience. I hope she was texting to acknowledge that she was out of line, but I totally understand why you don't want to be friends with her any longer. I would probably feel likewise - draining and stressful to discuss such matters with people who are unable and/or unwilling to try to understand.

 

[Neverthesame]

Oh my. Funny how people can compartmenalize different things in thier heads. Have you considered perhaps leaving a rubber spider in her mailbox?

 

[Friday]

Awwwww... He trusts you enough to show weakness. :D Awesome!

Cause when we live alone... Yeah. We buy nitrile or latex gloves... Or go after spiders with 10' poles (I did, once, duct tape 2 brooms together) or fetch the neighbor lad &/or hire someone -or declare the room &/or house unfit for human habitation- and spend the weekend elsewhere (ahem. not that I've ever done that ;) ). And when we don't trust our sigOther, we'd rather deal with the panic and fallout than ask.

It's not that it can't be done by the person asking it. It's them trusting enough to ask, in the first place, and the willingness to agree to it.

It's an act of love to help someone. A bigger act not to look down on their needing it.

It sounds like your friend cares about you, though, too... Since she was willing to go to battle over anything that might be asked of you, that you would might rather not do, or feel put upon being asked to do. (Hell no! How dare he! The bastard!) And then turn around a second later and defend your right to not tangle with spiders / you asking for help. These kinds of friends can be highly irritating, because they honestly don't give a damn for your partner, and are in your corner whether you're in the right or not. So you can't really trust their judgement of any situation, if you think you might be wrong, they won't tell you straight out. But come hell or high water, they will be in your corner. Skewed advice or not, and that's a rare gift, too. Right or wrong, they've got your back.

 

[Sighs]

@Solara - I really thought that the spider example would show her that even if she thought he was "being silly" (which obviously he's not - he's experiencing a trigger - smells can be such massive triggers for him) then surely she would understand that relationships involve give and take and me doing something small for him isn't really a big deal... Of course what it means is that I can NEVER talk to her about the big ways his PTSD impacts my life! If something so minor was such an issue!

@FridayJones - YES! That's what I was hoping to hear from her I guess - a) some compassion for him but also b) a small high five for the trust and love between him and I. Part of why I am annoyed is that she is full of advice about how I give too much in relationships, but she's 40 and never been in a relationship. She just has no clue AT ALL about how much compromise - from both sides - is necessary for a relationship to work. (And I'm leaving aside PTSD altogether there). She lives in some kind of Disney fantasy where the guy is gorgeous but accepts her being 40kg overweight because he loves her for who she really is, has no baggage of his own but is prepared to deal with all of hers etc etc.

I feel like I shared something sweet and intimate and I really shouldn't have.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think you made a mistake at all. You were seeking to share and be known better, a vulnerable thing, and it didn't work out. I think you reached out to a friend for support in a wise way, without jumping all in, but sharing a smaller thing, and found out the very good info that she doesn't quite understand PTSD.

It also sounds like this has given you pause to evaluate her relational abilities as a whole. It sounds like she may be fairly deficient in knowing how relationships work.

Even the very best and safest friendships run into misunderstandings and bumps along the way. The key thing isn't to avoid that from never happening, because that's impossible, but to see if and how such misunderstandings can be worked through.

In the moment, what she couldn't get past seems like something that maybe came from a place of protectiveness towards you. Maybe a little frustration at him, and maybe there is more behind what is bugging her. Maybe her reaction was more about her and her own stuff than anything else.

I have a friend with an illness I don't fully understand. I have said some well meaning but stupid dumb things out of deep care and concern for her, and my friend has had the courage to tell me, no, that's not it at all. Sometimes it took me a little time to understand.

If this experience with your friend is a pattern, then it's a good idea to probably move away from reaching out to her for support around things with your vet. If this is a one time event, I hope you talk to her at least one more time. See if she has any humility or desire to understand better how and why this upset you, and what would have been more helpful or what kind of response you wanted instead.

Maybe she is a jerk with a too strong streak of arrogance or maybe she just doesn't really get relationships at all or maybe she is the kind of friend with the courage to say honest things out of care for you, even when it sometimes means she misses the boat or stubbornly sticks her foot in her mouth.

Don't forget to look at your part in this. You are understandably angry. You know her. You know what stinks at relationships, and yet you still reached out to her. I don't think it's stupid. It is a risk you took and there is likely a reason why. Maybe there are enough things about her that are good that made you feel ok enough to take the risk. Maybe there isn't, and you reached out anyway. That's not an awful thing to do - everyone makes mistakes. Relationships are messy.

She has been someone you have considered to be a good friend for many years for a reason.

In the end, if you don't want to be friends with her again, that's ok too, maybe the season of life for you to be good friends is passing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Mabe you are out growing her. It has happened in my life and it sounds like you have more issues with her and she is pushing your buttons. I totally understand fading her out of your life. Some people do not grow and learn and are not able to empathize nor understand.

I out grew a friend this past year and I had to end the relationship which made me feel so much better.

 

[Nam]

Your spider analogy was perfect. Too bad she didn't get it. I would give her some time and yourself some time to settle. Maybe next time preface it with that you just want to talk and don't need a guard dog?

 

[Glara]

She sounds harsh and critical, but at the same time, at this point I'm a well known member on this forum and I don't understand ptsd. Take a break from her, cool off. Maybe you can try to explain ptsd to her, if he doesn't mind you talking about it. It's really hard to understand when you don't know about it and even when you do.