Friends Old And Maybe New

[piratelady]

I got a call last night from my best friend. We haven't seen eachother in probably 6 weeks and haven't spoken in about 2 because my PTSD has been worse. She doesn't know about my PTSD or why I've avoided her. I know I could tell her and she would completely understand and support me, but I'm still scared to tell her.

She was in the area last night and offered to stop by my house, I said no. My house wasn't perfectly clean and I was worried about seeing her in person. That worry had no basis, but it still made me say no. We are going to get together tomorrow to go to a wine place and listen to some guitar dude, should be fun. I am considering telling her about the PTSD, but haven't decided yet.

She invited me to her summer bible study group. She said it would be a good opportunity to make some new friends as there are about 10 women who go, all in different stages of their lives. I do feel like I need more in my life. When I stay at home that's when my mind kicks into over-drive and I start thinking myself into a tizzy. At the same time, the thought of meeting a group of people I don't know, really scares me. You wouldn't think the idea of potentially making some new friends would bother me this much.

 

[Red Feather]

Piratelady, I have become so antisocial lately. I think it happens often. I think its some kind of protective measure. On Wednesday I visited a friend a wanted to visit for ages now. She didn't know about my PTSD. She has a little baby. I didn't want to bother her with difficult stories. But I did end up telling her about my PTSD.

I think it is helpful to be able to talk about it freely with people you trust. I did end up changing the subject after she started asking questions. I didn't want the perfect baby atmosphere to get sad by my stories. Yeah, but I am hoping to make an effort to keep contact with my friends. It is really good to have friends around you know you can look to for support.

 

[catjudo]

My best friend supports me beautifully when I need it AND when I allow it. Like you, when my symptoms are at their worst I tend to avoid her. She is used to this and knows there are times when I retreat into my own little world but that I will be back around when I am ready to deal with the rest of the world. Sometimes when I've been avoiding and isolating, my first attempt at getting back out into the world is by visiting with her. It's a safe way to see how I'm ready to handle and react to things without having to really worry about her reactions or response to me.

That being said, I tend to shelter her from too many details or stories about my situation. I have found in the past that over-sharing can eventually lead to the end of a friendship. It's not even necessarily the fault of the person/friend that I've shared with. If I share too much during my times of distress, when I am feeling okay again I am then self-conscious and awkward around that friend. I feel that by only sharing or burdening my closest friends with limited details, they know enough to be supportive or make helpful suggestions when they observe me struggling too much, but not so much that I'm uncomfortable around them at a later time.

 

[piratelady]

Thanks so much catjudo for your input; especially the part about over-sharing. This was really helpful :)

 

[Chondra]

I think catjudo said it well. For me, making new friends can be easier than keeping some old friendships.

The friends I have been able to maintain since PTSD I can count on one hand, and those friendships are strained. I have a couple "new" friends now and my relationship with them is far less stressed. They seem to see me more clearly and have no illusions about me returning to who I used to be. I also shelter them less from my PTSD symptoms and I end up feeling more comfortable around them.

Hmm, it is likely I am not giving my older friends enough credit. I am scared to let them know too much for the same reasons mentioned above. I think I sense their unease when I touch on my PTSD and then I shy away from sharing. If they did, it could either end the friendship or make it stronger. Can I risk it? I do not know. It is something to think about.

 

[piratelady]

Well our outing for last night got moved to something this morning. I think I might tell her about my PTSD, and just leave out the details. We'll see though, most likely I will just chicken out.....

 

[Innordinate]

It's a big thing to tell someone. Brings on lots of questions and awkward silences which makes it tough.
Just do what you feel at the time. If you chicken out it's not a big deal, at least you're consciously building up to it, that's, I think a good thing. :tup:

 

[piratelady]

Well, I kind of told her. I just said that I have a lot of anxiety about Black Mold and that I'm trying to learn to deal with it. She was supportive as always and it wasn't awkward at all. Well, not until later on when we were having lunch and she asked what I am thinking about my life and if I have been doing any forward thinking. I haven't and just kind of looked at her and said, "um, I guess I don't think about the future, I struggle with one day at this point" ...that was weird and we immediately changed the subject, lol. She's a good friend.

 

[Spiderallis]

The isolation part of ptsd is harsh. I don't have old friends anymore. Part of it was being in an abusive marriage, the few people who were around me when that ended were fairly unhealthy themselves. The people I've met over the last couple years don't know what I once was, they only know the parts I've told them. Most of them don't even know my real name, I go by a nickname. Sometimes I don't think it's me at all, they know the wall that I'm hiding behind. One person knows the me behind the wall, it took a lot of patience and encouragement to peek out of my bomb shelter.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I keep alot of things to myself these days, I just do not think it is their buisiness what goes on with me. I tried to route where I told people and I either became their project, or heard insensitive things said to me. I told people thinking if I educated people they would understand me. Now I know the only ones who can understand are the ones going through it themselves. I need them to work hard on their own recovery.

It helps keep things healthy. I just do not have the desire to tell people anymore. I liked what Catjudo said about if you share too much it causes one to feel uncomfortable.

I am glad you have a good friend to share this with.

I just got tired of explaining myself. I do a one on one. I keep these things to myself. I got to badly burnt beyond belief. So I am not intereseted in beating a dead horse anymore. I used to be an open book, so transparent. But it hurt me so badly. People that do not have it do not understand. I hope this helps.

Good luck to you in your sharing of yourself.

 

[Mary Burgess]

(((((piratelady))))))

I was a 'wild child' growing up, and I really did not think of myself or my family as being dysfunctional until my oldest brother died from alcoholism at age 37. As a result of that, I have been in recovery as an alcoholic since I can remember. It was something I had to do for me to be able to live, and I have been very open about that, as it is a part of my life, as is my sexuality ( lesbian - I am open about that, too). Now, I do not put it all out on my sleeve, but I am certain to make sure that anyone who matters to me, knows.

I have just recently been diagnosed with the ptsd - I have made sure that my best friends are aware that I have started counseling, so they know 'where I am at' and have been, emotionally. They are more than ok with it, and supportive about it.

I am going to do everything in my power, and leave no stone unturned, when it comes to recovery and remission with this illness, and approach it with all the determination and love in my heart for me!

I am grateful that I have loving supportive friends, and I feel that I will make it as long as I have this belief in me that I will. And I really am fortunate that I have folks here that listen to me, and respect what I have to say, so that if it so happened that my friends could not accept what is going on with me, I will get support and strength here... so thank you for sharing that, and know that I respect and accept you here, unconditionally!

 

[OFW DATING]

Talk to her. I know your bestfriend will understand your situation, and its a lot easier when someone know about what you're going through right?