Frustrated, Anxious/confused, And Angry

[alleycat]

The fwb just threw me for a loop. Said our relationship would change drastically if I ever hit him or threatened him.

Yet he intentionally pushes my buttons and is a dick sometimes. He's also offered to spar with me before (we're both [ex] fighters). I asked for clarification because, well, that's a pretty serious f*cking thing to say when I'm trying to reformat how I think about fighting (a few years ago I taught myself to freeze because it was the best thing at the time. The problem is I didn't put a filter or safety switch in for those who are actually trying to harm me, so I freeze with them too. Not good now that I'm living alone in a not great part of town and I take walks alone at night), much less without some clarification on what he means by "hit" or "threaten." Strike in anger? Lightly strike in play (light smack on the side when he's being mean/hurtful)? What about sparring? What about a warning ("You need to go away") that he might take as a threat?

He'd started up a movie before/while we were talking, so I didn't get to ask some pertinent questions. I tried to ask them after the movie ended (continuing our conversation) and he got frustrated and pissed off. Basically because I was "bringing it up again" and he didn't understand why (maybe because I wasn't done when you started the movie...), said "we think differently" and wouldn't clarify what the hell he meant by that. Verbally backed me into a corner by saying "If there's anything else about this you want to ask ask it now because I don't want it to come up again."

He says he understands our brains work differently, but then says shit like that, knowing I don't let things go, knowing I need clarity in statements with repercussions like our relationship changing drastically. Knowing I will run through what if scenarios and freak out about it if I don't ask all the questions I need to.

I still need to know how our relationship would change. I still need to know whether he considers the playful jabs when he's being jokingly mean count as "hitting" (he's reacted well the very few times I've done it -- laughing and moving on -- but still). I still need to know whether he'll give me time to explain if he misunderstands as he doesn't always know when I'm play-angry or actually angry, doesn't know how hard I can hit and thus wouldn't know if I was being serious about it or not, and he takes warnings ("I could have really hurt you -- why the hell did you provoke me after you knew I was frustrated and then leave yourself defenseless?") as threats rather than what they're intended as.

Now I'm never going to know these answers unless I screw up enough to where he changes the relationship (i.e. pretty much we don't see each other).

So now, after a pretty good afternoon and some good time spent with him, I'm back to where I was yesterday (basically black hole of anxiety and depression), plus angry on top of it. Wonderful.

PS -- This isn't like I'm planning on hitting him, ever. I don't ever want to hurt him. It's been a damn long while since I've hurt anyone in anger. But I do have a short fuse and there's a tiny possibility that maybe next time he corners me I'll strike at him, that I won't have the control not to. Or that I'll get angry, I'll go to his heavy bag, he'll follow me, and I'll say something like "You really need to go away because if you don't you may get hit."

 

[CabraVerde]

Dear Alleycat (and I soooo appreciate your choice of 'name' :)),

Having been physically/sexually abused (father), and then verbally/emotionally berated while being cornered (mother), I think that I can kind of understand what you are referring to...about the playful antics turning sour in again being cornered and condemned by a present person whom you consider to be an emotionally significant person in your life now.
Wow! Where do I begin?
I personally found a co-partner who was seemingly the melding of both of my 'worlds' for my childhood abuse, and we fed off of each other for years, in a very downward and destructive spiral intertwined. What I am noticing about your posting, in particular, is that your SO is threatening you, knowing that he likewise provokes you (good/bad?) to 'fight' with him. I am only now learning about my own previous SO, how narcissistic he was, and how much further down he dragged me in feeding off of my emotions (good and bad)...because he had learned about my 'triggers', particularly abandonment.

Examples (and yes, some of them are silly...and likewise tragic):
1. "You wear that, and I am going to divorce you!"
2. "Something happens to my turtle, and I am going to divorce you."
3. "You don't find a job in two weeks, I am going to divorce you."

It's like he found my 'weak place' (my issues of abandonment), and he used every opportunity to further his reign of control over me using my 'weak place.' I don't know that I was 'consciously' aware of everything that likewise followed, but I was certainly giving up more and more to keep him with me, although I now realize that I was allowing him to take over more and more of my life (e.g., infidelity and lying), because I didn't want to be abandoned again (subconsciously) by someone else whom I considered to be emotionally important in my life. In the end, it was just a repeat of the parents ('Memory Lane' gone down 'Twisted Hollows'). I have finally broken away from all of them, and even if things aren't 'perfect' now, I at least know that I am not going to abandon myself (Well, 'we' do have those discussions...sometimes ;)).

But seriously, advice-wise, avoid my mistakes! Anyone who threatens you with abandonment, should be abandoned! And you can take back your power and control in abandoning them first! True love is acceptance, for the beauty and even the badness/evil of being YOU! That's LOVE, Alleycat! No one is perfect in this world, even those persons who have had the 'better/best' parents!

Peace, Love, and Prosperity!
And PS, channel the rage! To balance your person! Take up kick-boxing, or construction, to work it all off! Bad/confused persons will just keep you 'stuck.' Take care!

 

[Srain]

I can understand why red flags are coming surrounding this whole issue, they should be in my opinion. As a Survivor of physical abuse I am extremely uncomfortable with his reaction to your attempts at setting boundaries. He's changed the rules and is not willing to give you them. I would be worried myself.

Love, to me, is not hitting the person you love.

Please take care.
peace,
Rain

 

[Molly Anne]

As a person who hasn't experienced repeated physical abuse (an ex put his hands on me once, and it only took once to know that he would be a dead person if he did it again) - I am very concerned by the nature of your situation.

The first thing that concerns me is that he is unwilling to explain what he means by the request or direction that he made. The second thing that concerns me is that it has obviously crossed his mind that you MAY hit him. I'm not blaming him or you, but if either he is doing something to provoke you, or if you feel the need to react in that way, I just don't see it as a healthy relationship.

As I said, I don't have a lot of experience with this. But I noticed that like with any other reaction, you listed some triggers - being backed into a corner, or followed. If he's unable to respect those boundaries and let you have time to yourself to blow off steam, then he's not respecting the relationship. So I guess that's a third concern.

I hope you both can resolve this either by discussing it, or perhaps finding partners that are more suitable. This just sounds kind of scary and tense to me You said it's "fwb," which I've always considered as a light-hearted arrangement... doesn't seem like you should have to have so much tension and confusion in your relationship. :(

Hope a little outsider insight is helpful. If not, just accept it as a friend trying to help and reach out in concern. :)

 

[CabraVerde]

I hesitated in responding to this last night, because for those of you who haven't been physically abused, you probably can't get the dynamics. It's like, at least in my mind, the parents put all of that raging energy into the child, and that energy gets stuck somehow.
Biologically, the human is equipped to handle stress in one of two ways: flight or fight. If you are confronted by an abusive adult caretaker (parent), you may want to fight against your aggressor, but the physical dynamics prevent you from doing so (you are half the size of your aggressor, and still dependent on them somehow), and you don't run away either ('flight') because you are usually dependent upon them as well (repeat), and where do you go?!?

I understand that violence is not the ANSWER to all of life's questions, but if you are a child surviving day to day in a chaotic and abusive household, then you would probably resort to a biological means of surviving as well, aka, "fight or flight." That this 'response' is interrupted/arrested by the abusive household/family, it doesn't necessarily follow that that residual feeling/energy goes away. I take the holistic approach about abuse, and that is, if you don't find a constructive means for expressing that 'bottled energy', then that energy will eat you from the inside-out, and/or you will find a S.O. to reenact the story-line which you would have wanted to finish otherwise with your physically abusive parents/caretakers.

I can say from personal experience as advice to Alleycat, "choose constructive ways of dissipating that residual internal rage/energy...kickboxing, gardening, running, jogging, and don't repeat my mistakes (basically)."

But yeah, I do have an issue with persons who don't understand growing up with physical abuse, and who likewise deny the validity of us all being biological persons programmed to survive, "flight or fight." Choosing better than the parents/caretakers is the clue here, and hopefully we all will, but what is stuck inside, will eventually have to come out, one way or another. Denying the existence of such feeling/energy won't help anyone, really.

I wish the best for all, but yes, physical abuse combined with the rest is something different. Acknowledging that this exists in a few of us, is really most of the battle in terms of getting 'better.'

Peace, Love, and Prosperity...

 

[CabraVerde]

I am sorry, because that did seem harsh somehow. What I am trying to convey, ultimately, is that we are all here today because we chose to survive...even in we had to push down our own biological responses to stress to be here right now. My concern, overall, is that the pushing down of our own biological responses to stress, for the point of surviving our childhood abuses, is now causing further harm to US in our adult lives. This is a real question to be asking ourselves, I think...and in truth, is the 'essense' of PTSD, IMPO.

The biological response of a human being to deal with stress with either 'fight or flight' is NORMAL; the suppression/repression of this normal response is NOT! The fact that we ('we') continue on with the suppression/repression beyond the original stress/ors (as adults), somehow indicates that the learned suppression/repression (response) has now taken over our normal states of being human biological beings (with real feelings and thoughts).

To me, this is PTSD. 'Normal' loving families would have never subjected their own children to fight/flight situations, or the greater 'perceived' threats of life/death. Our responses at those times were normal (even as children)...but the repression/suppression of our own biological beings then, and accompanying feelings (by caretakers/parents), causes us confusion and stress now.

I do believe that this likewise applies to vets, who felt something different, but were likewise suppressed/repressed by real/perceived authoritarian/parental figures to feel what they felt.

Again, just my 2 cents. Maybe it's just my brain, but I want to understand how I got here, to figure out where I want to go. ;)

All the best for all of us! Peace, Love, and Prosperity! ((((HUGS))))