desiderata310
VIP Member
There are a few folks at work who know I deal with this.
Today I've been a bit on edge because I had a monthly update meeting with my boss. For whatever reason, he makes me ridiculously nervous over nothing.
When it was over, I went to see my #1, McP, about what transpired. I needed to give him an update on where we were and the next step on a project that impacts our department that he and I have been working on together. As I walked on stage, someone said he was still out at the console FOH so I took a right and went through the quiet and slightly dark hall to front of house. As I reached for the second door in the airlock, it suddenly opened.
I SAW S. I believed it WAS S.
I screamed and then cried. I cried because it was clearly McP standing there, hands up next to his head saying, 'Des, it's me. It's just me.'
I continued to cry out of the aftermath of the anxiety. I found it almost impossible to stop because I was still half convinced that I had NOT seen incorrectly and the flashback was still just stinging in the forefront of my memory.
At least it was mild in comparison to some I've had.
I attempted to carry on with what I wanted to say but found it completely impossible. McP, not completely understanding what had happened but knowing enough, simply continued on, slapped me kindly on the shoulder, in a brotherly way, as if to say, "you got this" and then rounded the corner to wait for me at my office. I continued to stand in the hallway for a good 10 minutes and bawl.
Finally, I made my way around, had the brief conversation I needed to with McP and made a hasty apology for the scream and tears. As we finished, a couple of crew folks popped their head in my office said they were headed to lunch, did I want to come with?
ANY other day, ANY other place I probably would have said yes, but they were going to an open air place in the heart of downtown instead of their usual quiet sandwich shop. Besides, I was still shaking.
I had to decline. Even now, I am barely holding together on the verge of tears and my chest feels like it could explode- even though I know it was a flashback/panic attack.
That was an hour ago.
It just NEVER gets better.
Today I've been a bit on edge because I had a monthly update meeting with my boss. For whatever reason, he makes me ridiculously nervous over nothing.
When it was over, I went to see my #1, McP, about what transpired. I needed to give him an update on where we were and the next step on a project that impacts our department that he and I have been working on together. As I walked on stage, someone said he was still out at the console FOH so I took a right and went through the quiet and slightly dark hall to front of house. As I reached for the second door in the airlock, it suddenly opened.
I SAW S. I believed it WAS S.
I screamed and then cried. I cried because it was clearly McP standing there, hands up next to his head saying, 'Des, it's me. It's just me.'
I continued to cry out of the aftermath of the anxiety. I found it almost impossible to stop because I was still half convinced that I had NOT seen incorrectly and the flashback was still just stinging in the forefront of my memory.
At least it was mild in comparison to some I've had.
I attempted to carry on with what I wanted to say but found it completely impossible. McP, not completely understanding what had happened but knowing enough, simply continued on, slapped me kindly on the shoulder, in a brotherly way, as if to say, "you got this" and then rounded the corner to wait for me at my office. I continued to stand in the hallway for a good 10 minutes and bawl.
Finally, I made my way around, had the brief conversation I needed to with McP and made a hasty apology for the scream and tears. As we finished, a couple of crew folks popped their head in my office said they were headed to lunch, did I want to come with?
ANY other day, ANY other place I probably would have said yes, but they were going to an open air place in the heart of downtown instead of their usual quiet sandwich shop. Besides, I was still shaking.
I had to decline. Even now, I am barely holding together on the verge of tears and my chest feels like it could explode- even though I know it was a flashback/panic attack.
That was an hour ago.
It just NEVER gets better.
