Get Over It

[Paleb]

How do you deal internally with someone who tells you that "it's time to get over it". I am not wondering how to deal with it externally because I am not expecting to change this person's thinking. This is a person who has been through a lot. And because they have been through a lot they think they are qualified to tell another person to get over it.

I tried to explain how I tried to get over it. I'm not going to change their belief. So just internally how do you deal with it? And how would it affect you if someone close to you. Someone who is a rare person you are close to tells you to "get over it." It's made me feel so upset because it makes me feel so hopeless and like just dying because nobody understands. It makes me feel so upset because it once again puts the onerous on me to get over it.

 

[Unebu]

And then to top it off the person who is telling me to "get over it" says that it makes me upset to hear this because deep down I know that it's true.

 

[Iho]

Perhaps better phrasing might be you are in the process of moving past it? You are a work in progress but you are proactively doing things that will help you heal. List the things you are doing for yourself. If you aren't doing anything, then start because you can't move forward if you are treading water. Then, simply tell them that you are doing the best you can and you would appreciate some support. However, you have to make an effort, a true effort, to move forward and find resolution otherwise you are only hurting yourself. ;)

 

[Meri]

Good lord. Way to add insult to injury!

How to deal with it... Well, if you know they won't change their mind, then you have to stop going to them for support. Yeah it sucks, but it sounds like this person is self centered, thinking others problems are nothing in comparison, so they should just get over it. Or maybe they have no empathy? Either way, is this really a person you want to be close to? Go and get support from people who truly care.

 

[Iturav]

I agree with Meri, but I wonder if you can work something out as an alternative to losing the whole relationship.

I think how you deal with it internally and externaly is that you change your expectations of them and of yourself.

You decide where your boundary is towards them. Will they agree not to raise the topic at all, if you don't raise it? Can the two of you interact without the topic coming up?

If not, I think you need to think about stopping your interaction altogether.

If so, that means you have to accept that you can't raise this or related topics like talking about symptoms. You can't expect them to listen, sympathise or be supportive with regard to that. You know it's not going to happen, so you have to stay away from wanting it to. This is setting a boundary towards yourself. You'd have to set limits on your own behaviour and expectations, then keep to those limits.

In other words, can both of you accept your relationship being functional but restricted? Or do you need to stay away from them altogether? The alternative is continuing to see someone you feel invalidated by. That's just :banghead:

 

[Reco]

Thanks so much those are such words. There was some painful conversations and I think it was better in terms of knowing where we stand. Even if things are hard to hear it's so much better then feeling the estrangement that comes from keeping feelings to yourself. I understand their position now and I think that we are closer now from having disclosed.

 

[Vamag]

My mother always said to get over it, that she could, that she didn't hold onto things, so why did I? I always felt that she didn't "get over things" just by what I saw in her behavior. Sometimes people's actions speak louder then words. I never confronted her over this, though it would often hurt and make my blood boil at the same time.

I think telling your friend that you are glad they have had the chance to get over the painful parts of their lives but you are still working on it. That it will take time. You don't know how much, it could be a little time or a long time. That you hope you can have their support. If not, that is okay, but it is best for the both of you to not address it any longer.

I hope things work out to your advantage. You have every right to "get over" things on your time. They were your experiences.