Getting Married

[Howard Beal]

I am having a hard time life wise. I am also thinking of asking my girlfriend to marry me.
In your experiences, should I tell her about my past and the abuse I suffered? Or should I
just let it stay in the past? So far I have decided to keep my mouth shut.

 

[Lucycat]

It's a hard call Howard.
I have been married 26 years. I decided to tell my husband to be, before we married. I did not tell him much, no details or anything like that. I just told him that I had been abused and by whom. We made a pact that he would never leave me alone with my abuser, who at that time I was still in regular contact with. We have recently talked about that conversation, he says I told him I was 'second hand goods' and gave him an opportunity to call off the engagement. I don't really remember much about it. We never talked about it again.

Now I am so glad that I had at least told him that much. It was 20 months ago that I had a phone call from the police asking me if I had been abused as a child. It all came out then, and that was when I got diagnosed with CPTSD. It was hard enough having to tell others - the Police, my Doctor, my Brothers and a select few friends. At least Rory was by my side and although devastated by the entire situation, he did know a little, enough to have some understanding of what was happening.

One of the reasons I told Rory all those years ago is because I had to keep it secret as a child. I have always hated secrets and feel like they eat away at me. I thought if we were to have an honest relationship then I should be honest from the start.

I can't tell you what is right. I never expected my story to 'come out', but all those years I never knew other people were involved too. Again that is because we all, individually kept our 'little secret'.

Over the past year and a bit, I have talked about it more to Rory, but still not the details. Never the details. That is for my Therapist. Rory knows the impact it has all had on me, why I am as I am,why I get upset, why I have CPTSD. I don't believe it would help either of us if he knew the details.

I wish you the best in your decision. Whichever way you choose to play it, you have to make the choice that is right for you and your partner.

Good Luck!
Lucy x

 

[Jay]

In the end, it is all up to you. The correct time should be when you are comfortable with telling her, but in the end, it is better for you to tell her. The past may be in the past, but it effects you. By letting her know what is going on, you are letting your partner in on a very deep trust, which is the foundation of any good relationship. (Or so I have read :rolleyes:)

Keeping it a secret can be more harmful than good, something I learned from personal experience, so let her know when you feel comfortable.

Jay

 

[jadebear]

If you're 'having a hard time life wise', I'm wondering if asking your GF to marry you might make things harder(?). I know you didn't ask for advice on that, but since you said it, I had to comment.

I think it's your own personal decision whether you tell her about the abuse or not.

I really struggled with that decision. I was worried that my husband would think and feel differently about me if he knew. I was afraid he would think/feel how I do about myself. I told him everything last year and it made us closer and he became my number one supporter.

The ironic thing is not too long ago he told me that I had already told him everything before at different times throughout our marriage. So he already knew, I just didn't remember telling him. Here I was worried and really struggling with the thought of telling him and he already knew all these years. He was my number one supporter all along, I just didn't realize it. That shows me he loves me regardless of anything from my past.He loves me for who I am, nothing that has happened to me has changed that. I'm sure your girlfriend would feel the same. Actually, it may help her understand you better.

But like I said, it's a personal decision. And a hard one to make.

 

[Howard Beal]

Thank you all for awnsering my post, you have given me alot of things to think about. And yes Jade if she only knew the whole story.

alot of things would become more clear to her. But what if she dosent want to have to deal with my past. I told my ex when we were newly married. When we were trying to be "alone" if u know what I mean her touches brought in a wave of past memories. I started to cry I told her why. She told me to be a man and that was along time ago. I promised myself that wouldn't happen again, ever!

Do I tell her and face rejection. Not tell her and keep my past a secret. And have her live through my emotionaly charged bouts of depression. Leave her to wonder why I am drinking too much. Is that fair for me to do to her. Only to have her look at me from the outside looking in, keeping her at arms length, that wouldn't be fair for her to live like that.

But thank you all for your input, your comments all have merit. I just don't want to screw this up again.

 

[Jay]

Your ex sounds like a real jerk. No one who has undergone trauma can just cast it aside and say, 'oh well, it's the past'. Anyone who says that never experienced trauma and those who tell you to 'man up' are to say the least, ignorant. That woman is obviously a very selfish person and you are better off without her!

As far as your new love goes, you need to tell her in your own way and in your own time. If she truly loves you she will respect you for it. You are a good guy, Howard and you deserve a lady who is going to be both understanding and caring. You may face rejection as you had before, but at least you will know and save yourself a lot more grief in the end. You can do it Howard! Stay strong!

 

[Howard Beal]

, Howard and you deserve a lady who is going to be both understanding and caring. You may face rejection as you had before, but at least you will know and save yourself a lot more grief in the end.

Than you Jay for taking the time to reply:
It makes sense, but know this I am going to procrastinate the Hell out of this situation as I literally have everything to loose.
If I chose the wrong girl again. But to be fair to her I owe it to her and me to bring it up. Now I just have to find the right time,
the right place, the right words. This will not be easy for me.
PS. My ex was a a catch of a lifetime

 

[Howard Beal]

Oh god so much to think through. I am beginning to think this will be harder than think. Damn meds I need to take. I feel like drinking. But I also that's not good for me. Aaaarrrrggghhhh!

 

[cherryblossom]

My personal opinion is that you should tell her (at least something), before you ask her to marry you.

If your past did not affect you now, then I would say that it was okay to leave it in the past and keep your mouth shut.

But, as you have stated, you are affected by the past (which by the way is completely normal, and nothing to berate yourself over), then it will affect her too in your married life. Secrets of any kind eat away at us, and keeping secrets is not the best foundation for a marriage. Secrets also put a heck of a lot of pressure and added stress on you. You shouldn't have to hide who you really are from her. All your past experiences make you who you are today, that includes 'the good, the bad, and the ugly'. Learn to trust each other 100% before committing to marriage. If you are going to have a long and happy future together, then I personally think she needs to see all sides of you.Having a life long partner isn't just about the good times, it's about looking after each other, and supporting each other through the bad times too.

I do believe it is better to open up now, than to wait until after you are married. Sometimes even the best people can't handle certain situations. Personally I'd rather know that now, than in a few years time. Equally, if she truely loves you, and knows you well, she probably has an idea that maybe you are not 100% happy, 100% of the time, and she's maybe just waiting for you to open up.

I'm not suggesting that you tell her everything, all at once. Sometimes, just the basics is all that is needed to 'test' the waters. Like Lucy said, maybe just the basic idea, not all the details, and see where that leads you.

There is a small chance that it could lead to rejection, but I seriously think you would be better off knowing now, than a few months or years down the track. Much more likely, is that you will have a much stronger foundation of mutual trust, and support on which to build on over your future years together.

I don't deny that it's a bit of a gamble, but honesty now, means that you can be yourself in years to come, and not have to hide your depression or anxiety over certain situations.

Just my opinion.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well ;)

 

[Howard Beal]

Wow what a mountain full of wisdom there. So much to think about. Like I told Jay I am going to procrastinate the heck out of this." whole tell my gf my story thing".