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Girlfriend Is Very Troubled - Help Please

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needhelp99

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My girlfriend has PTSD to the extreme and it is hurting me so much seeing her go through this. I want to do anything I can to help her, which is why I am here. It is a very very long story and I am not going to go into details, but it basically involves physical abuse from an ex boyfriend, then some extremely emotional and traumatic events, then substance abuse (cocaine, amphetamines, alcohol possibly more).

She had a very bad period of her life her freshman year of high school when all of this happened (she is a junior now), and she had been doing cocaine maybe 2x a week for the last 2 years and did amphetamines (adderall) every day for a couple months. This was a coping method for her, she said it helped her get away from what she experienced daily (see below paragraph) I recently learned of all of this, and she stopped completely. She went through withdrawals from the amphetamines but is doing MUCH better now and has no problems with the drugs anymore really. She has been clean for 5 weeks.

Almost every single night she has nightmares about the abuse she went through. She says she relives it when she is stressed about other things in her life (can be anything) and it triggers something that causes her to get very upset. She says it is like it is happening all over again and it is a horrible horrible experience to go through weekly. She used to have a lot of trouble sleeping but has been doing better the last few weeks.

She flinches at EVERYTHING, loud noises, sudden movements, etc because of what shes been through. She HATES talking about it. Other than me, her boyfriend of about a year, the only other person who knows is her best friend who she told one night when she was drunk. She gets very stressed when she thinks people know and when I ask about it or when we talk about it. Her parents know NOTHING about any of this, they are very nice people but are TERRIBLE when it comes to parenting her. They take the stance of "if its something I can ignore and pretend isnt happening...it isnt". They have found drugs of hers, she has come home beat up and bruised, she has come home so drunk shes passed out on the couch next to them, and they say NOTHING. It angers me so much I can't even describe it. She does NOT want to see a therapist because she doesn't want to talk about it at all.

I don't really know what else to say or if I'm leaving anything out....I just wanted to share this with people who experience the same type of stuff and see if any of you can provide me with ANY kind of help no matter how small it might be. It kills me to see her cry and in so much pain sometimes and I want to do something to help her get past it somehow. She is fine when she is with me because I make her so happy, but when we are apart and shes stressed over family problems and friend problems (all of her friends are very ****ed up as well), there is nothing I can do.

So I beg you...please please please help me in any way possible. I need to help her through this and will do anything to make that happen. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this if you have gotten to this point, it means a lot.
 
Hello needhelp,

She went through withdrawals from the amphetamines but is doing MUCH better now and has no problems with the drugs anymore really. She has been clean for 5 weeks.

needhelp99, Unclear as to whether the "has no problems with the drugs anymore really" means: with certainty she has no longer has such problem, or whether you're stating that her problems with such drugs are minimal compared to prior drug use.

Can you clarify this, please?

Also it is helpful to understand whether her previous intoxications is now elimated for 5 weeks, along with the drugs, or in progress still, perhaps decreased, or perceived as a lesser of the two problems, so therefore such use continues.

If I've learned nothing from my experience, I've learned that frequent use of drugs/alcohol to attempt to blot out the reality of Real issues & Ptsd don't mix. In fact together they're too often a fatal combination and can even severely exasperate, intensify and worsen either or both the dependency use and need, ....and Ptsd symptoms.

Not with everyone, but with some people like myself, any use of either can and will not only delay progress but will eliminate all hope. And, such state of spirit and mind of hopelessness will first send me on the skids and then either ultimately kill me or make me wish I were dead.


It is a very very long story and I am not going to go into details, but it basically involves physical abuse from an ex boyfriend, then some extremely emotional and traumatic events,

Throughout this forum many of us have been traumatized from physical abuse, as well as, extremely emotional and traumatic events as has your girlfriend.

needhelp, are you or have you, yet been able to encourage her to read here from within the forum and begin somewhere in participating in her own healing and learing?

Better yet, I'm not so certain she should, IMO, unless she has secured a safety network of people back home that can and are willing to greatly support her.

There exists a need to secure a solid foundation of support for tendencies toward blotting out reality through the use of or overindulgence in alcohol and/or drugs, and build a foundation within oneself and from without, in order to manage either breakable dependencies, ......or futher along that continuum, ......serious drug addiction/alcoholism, before one takes it a step further into awakening any deeper the trauma which lies within and the all too often immense pain of that healing.

What other coping methods is she now looking at?

Maybe somebody else here, has any improved ideas of 'successful coping methods' for another sufferer in these most frightening complex struggles.

We know nightmares are most definately a symptom of Ptsd. But even for those without Ptsd, I have heard thousands of people who have decided to come clean from all alcohol and perhaps drugs that suffer nightmares. The only difference is, the usually run their course (a period of time) and then end.

Not so with Ptsd, as this symptom if present lasts re-occurringly until the trauma or (s) and significant issues surrounding well on their way to healing and/or are healed. Such is accomplished through facing the trauma in one's time and not running away from it and distracting ourselves through any possible ongoing fantasies or relief seeking; Another words, through not avoiding within our control our pain that surfaces.


She says she relives it when she is stressed about other things in her life (can be anything) and it triggers something that causes her to get very upset. She says it is like it is happening all over again and it is a horrible horrible experience to go through weekly.

I must agree with her. She is not exaggerating one single bit when she states how much of an absolute horrible horrible experience to go through, never mind doing so weekly.

She needs to decide for herself that she needs most serious help for herself, her health and her life.

This may sound terribly harsh, but it can be so incredibly helpful too: She needs to decide whether she's going to get busy living, or get busy dying. And, if she chooses the get busy living then she may need to overcome many obstacles to find and secure the professional help she deserves. She will need a great deal of support from others, IMO not simply from you and her friend.


She used to have a lot of trouble sleeping but has been doing better the last few weeks.

This is very good news! I truly hope this keeps up.

Not to be a bummer though, but if she isn't willing or becoming willing to face her trauma under the care of some professional, and with much support then this good news / better sleep, may likely not last.

She HATES talking about it.
She does NOT want to see a therapist because she doesn't want to talk about it at all.

needhelp, Have you asked her if she knows what she hates more. Hating talking about it ??? Or, Hating suffering as she is, while not talking about it?

Also, many Ptsd sufferers would love to choose to do what we want to do, and not do what we don't want to do. However, I can't imagine anyone of us making a whole lot of real progress in hopes of healing and learning to manage our Ptsd symptoms, if we went the easiest route in things. Too often, what many of us have wanted initially and sometimes lasting much longer is to escape and to avoid. So it helps to toss out the window what we want in regards to our degrees of willingness for healing, some well-being and even survival, and replace it with what we NEED to heal our trauma's while learning to manage and balance our lives with Ptsd.

Also, just my opinion, but nice parents don't ignore their children and say NOTHING when they come home drunk, bruised and beat up and or pass out on a couch alongside them. No need to describe how much this angers you, as I think I understand. Such ability to completely dissassociate oneself from all of reality when your children need you most, still pisses me off, and still to this day. And, I was kind with my words here, in just how much this kind of complete non-response angers me.

I'd love to say more, but it's late. Do wish you ..needhelp99..., and your girlfriend the motivation to seek, seek, seek persistently until she finds the real help she needs and deserves.

Sincerely,
Hope
 
needhelp, I am so very sorry for both your girlfriend but also for you. It is hard to watch someone you love in pain and so much pain is so very difficult to bear, I do understand.

Please know you are not alone and neither is your girlfriend even though it might feel like there is no one for you, you are here now. This forum has helped me so very much, the best advice I can give you at the moment is to read everything you can about PTSD, it will help you to have knowledge of what it is you are dealing with - for both of you.

It will be hard for you two, but know it is a wonderful thing that you are doing. I am glad to see that you have recognised that you need help also and so have come here to find it and learn more.

Seek and learn as much as you are able, and write when you can.

Perhaps your girlfriend could maybe find this place to be of help to her also. It has helped me more than words can say right now.

I hope that this can reassure and help you some, but please know this; that no matter how alone you feel right now - there is real hope and she can work through this - you both can.

~fin
 
Hello needhelp,



needhelp99, Unclear as to whether the "has no problems with the drugs anymore really" means: with certainty she has no longer has such problem, or whether you're stating that her problems with such drugs are minimal compared to prior drug use.

Can you clarify this, please?
She is completely sober. One night we were at a good friends party and we got drunk and went upstairs into a bedroom. The mood changed quickly when she said she couldn't hang out the day after because she "HAD" to go to this other town to see this kid. I asked her why and she started crying and finally told me to buy adderall. Then she told me everything about the drugs. I had already known about the abuse and everything else. But yeah, we agreed that I would stop smoking weed completely (was doing it every day - but there were no negatives to it. She was fine with it but didnt like how I would leave her house a few minutes early to go hang out with friends and smoke and stuff like that. I missed my friends at this point and needed to balance my time better) and she would quit everything she was doing too. Yesterday was 5 weeks to the day.

Also it is helpful to understand whether her previous intoxications is now elimated for 5 weeks, along with the drugs, or in progress still, perhaps decreased, or perceived as a lesser of the two problems, so therefore such use continues.

If I've learned nothing from my experience, I've learned that frequent use of drugs/alcohol to attempt to blot out the reality of Real issues & Ptsd don't mix. In fact together they're too often a fatal combination and can even severely exasperate, intensify and worsen either or both the dependency use and need, ....and Ptsd symptoms.

Not with everyone, but with some people like myself, any use of either can and will not only delay progress but will eliminate all hope. And, such state of spirit and mind of hopelessness will first send me on the skids and then either ultimately kill me or make me wish I were dead.
I realized this, I often told her I didn't want her going out with her friends getting trashed all the time because I couldn't watch out for her or be with her. Her friends are makeout sluts pretty much, and have a lot of intense problems as well (they too do amphetamines). She has hung out with them like twice since that night 5 weeks ago because the people they hang out with ususally have coke, and while they don't do it (her friends), she is scared that she'll do something stupid with it around. She said this a couple weeks ago, I think the cravings or whatver for the coke are gone now.




Throughout this forum many of us have been traumatized from physical abuse, as well as, extremely emotional and traumatic events as has your girlfriend.

needhelp, are you or have you, yet been able to encourage her to read here from within the forum and begin somewhere in participating in her own healing and learing?

Better yet, I'm not so certain she should, IMO, unless she has secured a safety network of people back home that can and are willing to greatly support her.

There exists a need to secure a solid foundation of support for tendencies toward blotting out reality through the use of or overindulgence in alcohol and/or drugs, and build a foundation within oneself and from without, in order to manage either breakable dependencies, ......or futher along that continuum, ......serious drug addiction/alcoholism, before one takes it a step further into awakening any deeper the trauma which lies within and the all too often immense pain of that healing.

What other coping methods is she now looking at?

Maybe somebody else here, has any improved ideas of 'successful coping methods' for another sufferer in these most frightening complex struggles.
She copes by keeping her mind off of the issues. But this clearly doesn't work and I told her that. Last night we were together and she fell asleep next to me and started flinching and making these incoherant noises like something bad was happening. I woke her up and she started crying and seemed like she was not in this reality at all. This is her reliving those experiences, the worst parts, she says.

We know nightmares are most definately a symptom of Ptsd. But even for those without Ptsd, I have heard thousands of people who have decided to come clean from all alcohol and perhaps drugs that suffer nightmares. The only difference is, the usually run their course (a period of time) and then end.

Not so with Ptsd, as this symptom if present lasts re-occurringly until the trauma or (s) and significant issues surrounding well on their way to healing and/or are healed. Such is accomplished through facing the trauma in one's time and not running away from it and distracting ourselves through any possible ongoing fantasies or relief seeking; Another words, through not avoiding within our control our pain that surfaces.
She is done with drugs and alcohol until we break up, I am 100% positive in this. She is so afraid to lose me because I am the only good thing in her life and she never wants to be without me (and I without her). It may sound naive but we plan on going to the same college and eventually getting married. Her parents were highschool sweethearts, as well as several other couples she knows. It can happen, and it will.



I must agree with her. She is not exaggerating one single bit when she states how much of an absolute horrible horrible experience to go through, never mind doing so weekly.

She needs to decide for herself that she needs most serious help for herself, her health and her life.

This may sound terribly harsh, but it can be so incredibly helpful too: She needs to decide whether she's going to get busy living, or get busy dying. And, if she chooses the get busy living then she may need to overcome many obstacles to find and secure the professional help she deserves. She will need a great deal of support from others, IMO not simply from you and her friend.
She seems content with coping how she is now. I talked to her about this last night and getting some kind of professional help, and she refuses. She said something about how there are limitations on what the therapist can and can not tell the parents since she is only 17. She said she has enough trouble talking to me and her best friend about it and doesn't even like to do that, and she does NOT want to talk about it with a stranger.


This is very good news! I truly hope this keeps up.

Not to be a bummer though, but if she isn't willing or becoming willing to face her trauma under the care of some professional, and with much support then this good news / better sleep, may likely not last.
I hope it does : \ and I hope she finally comes around and decides to seek help.


needhelp, Have you asked her if she knows what she hates more. Hating talking about it ??? Or, Hating suffering as she is, while not talking about it?
No, but that is a good question, I will ask her when we talk about it next

Also, just my opinion, but nice parents don't ignore their children and say NOTHING when they come home drunk, bruised and beat up and or pass out on a couch alongside them. No need to describe how much this angers you, as I think I understand. Such ability to completely dissassociate oneself from all of reality when your children need you most, still pisses me off, and still to this day. And, I was kind with my words here, in just how much this kind of complete non-response angers me.
I feel the exact same way. I just don't see how they could think that is the right way to do things at ALL.

I'd love to say more, but it's late. Do wish you ..needhelp99..., and your girlfriend the motivation to seek, seek, seek persistently until she finds the real help she needs and deserves.

Sincerely,
Hope
I really appreciate the help, Hope. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to type up so much, I am so happy there are people like you willing to help those in need.
 
I hope that this can reassure and help you some, but please know this; that no matter how alone you feel right now - there is real hope and she can work through this - you both can.

~fin
Thank you fin, your words mean a lot and they make me feel better about getting through all of this. I am deeply thankful
 
I applaud that you want to be there for your gf...however, it worries me that it seems like she has made you her "everything"...what would happen if she suddenly didn't have you anymore? I hope that your gf can work on strengthening her support network. It is important to have a number of people that support you, not just one.

Also, if she doesn't want to get the necessary help, then there is really nothing you can do to force her to get better. As bad as things are now, she may have not hit rock bottom. I know that sometimes it really does take hitting rock bottom before you are willing to admit that you need help, and are willing to reach out to get that help.

I wish you and your gf all the best.
 
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