Giving Up

[lonelyred]

Last night I gave up. I wanted it over. Wanted the pain to stop. My partner was home so stopped me from doing anything but if he wasn't there... So a couple of appointments later, an intervention from ACIS and some hard conversations, I'm probably going to be checking into the hospital or a step up facility for anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time

 

[Lucycat]

I am sorry last night was so difficult for you, but it is great to have you here today talking about it.

It does sound like some extra support is what you need at the moment. Going as an inpatient for a while will help to keep you safe. It is a wise move when the going gets tough. My thoughts are with you and I look forward to hearing that you are starting to feel better and the black cloud has passed. It will - you know that!

 

[rainbow1]

Hey lonelyred, just wanted to let you know i'm thinking of you. I hope things improve for you very soon.

 

[cherryblossom]

Take care of yourself @lonelyred . Please do whatever is necessary to stay safe :hug:

 

[lonelyred]

Thanks for all the support, I didn't end up an inpatient, though it could still be on the cards if I go backwards. My medications have been upped and changed and I will get a call from a support worker for now. I feel pretty numb and really I'm just going to have to take things one day at a time. Knowing I have a place like this is helpful and I'm grateful it exists. Thank you

 

[lonelyred]

I had a long and somewhat overdue conversation with my Mother today, about how I'm feeling, about how I've been feeling for a while, and, whilst I didn't explain the origins of these feelings, she now at least is aware of my struggle. It was not an easy conversation to have, and given my Mums penchant for overreaction, I may have opened up a can of worms, but it feels right that she knows, even if it scares her

 

[lonelyred]

I'm feeling a but better now having been on an increased dose of anti depressants and mood stabilisers, if a bit numb. My sessions with my counsellor have been few and far between I think I need to either find another one or get more sessions.

I had to follow up my conversation with my mum, when we talked she wouldn't let me stop talking about it, which made things worse, she also betrayed my trust and told many people about what has been going on. I think we're on the same page now, fingers crossed

I'm still thinking about death and suicide a lot, but the drive is less now. In my darkness and depression I've had more bad memories surface, I think I need to find a group irl some extra support, maybe a PTSD counsellor too,can anyone recommend one in South Australia?

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm sorry your Mum betrayed your trust. She probably didn't mean to, nor understand how much our trust is affected because of the past. She was likely upset and confused and needed to talk it through with others. I hope you can keep the communication going with your Mother. Perhaps lay down a few boundaries, such as her not talking to others, and stopping talking about it when you request. She probably just needs to be 'educated', she needs to know more about how life is for you, and to understand why breaking your trust is so hurtful to you.

There are a few trauma therapists in Australia listed on the PTSD Forum, I don't know if any are near you, but it might be worth a look. Link Removed

 

[lonelyred]

Thank you, no none near me, but I'll keep looking, in the meantime I have who I have

I did lay down some boundaries, but mum isn't so good with honouring them, she cares but worries also and often the latter is stronger

My last post, about speaking with her was vague at best, she still knows nothing of the abuse, just the suicide stuff, when she learned of my sisters abuse it almost broke her, and caused her much pain and shame as a parent, I can't share with those close to me, at least not yet

I am still on shaky ground upped meds and regular follow ups help some but I feel like my head is full of cotton wool and have no energy, a side effect I'm told. I still have the thoughts but now no motivation to do anything at all, left to my own devices I sleep

I appreciate this place more than you know, it helps me find the words and the strength to get at least some of it out, if only a little