WillyKat
Diamond Member
I've done it again and it happened right under my nose.
I haven't been posting or responding or liking posts or anything in a long time. I've been busy at work, busy writing in my spare time (hope to publish a couple of things in the next month or two), but mostly in a dark hole about my marriage.
My wife has some disorder too, I'm certain. I'm a layman and cannot diagnose, but I'm offering my best guess as to what it would be if she were to get help. Both my son and I long ago figured out that its OCD. I don't want to go into details because it's upsetting and I'll end up whining. But believe me, there are lots of details that anyone would look at and say, "wow, that sure looks like OCD to me." But I think there are heaping spoonfuls of PTSD and narcissism too.
Be that as it may, she won't admit to having any issues at all; she I think has judged herself to be perfect. So on those occasions I've mentioned that she seems to have "some issue not so different from mine" she scoffs and finds a way to point to my stuff and imply that how can I judge when I'm obviously messed up. I'm the one with PTSD and about 10 years of therapy under my belt. (See if you haven't been to therapy, you're obviously sane.) I've suggested couples counseling three times and was rejected three times.
As a younger man, I had an enormous crush on a girl at school that did nothing but play games with me, but I never gave up, always made excuses, and always kept coming back. Deep down, I always figured that the relationship depended entirely on me. It was repetition compulsion; I would keep doing the same thing over and over again, hate every minute, but never get out of the gerbil cage. And yes, it had a lot to do with my mother not being there when I was six. Years later I could congratulate myself for finally being able to break that unhealthy style. Glad that's over cuz you know, some people can't even see that they do the same damn thing over and over.
I congratulated myself so much that I couldn't see things clearly regarding my mariage. I keep living here, despite feeling like an unwanted guest, like I'm less important than the pots and her precious f*ing cups and drapes what every other object in the place. I keep sticking around, never even leaving for a week to send a message, never threatening to leave her unless things change.
Well, I see it now. Still scared crapless to actually do it. But I started. I started looking at apartments (unf*ing believable how much they want for rent around here), making lists of things to take with me, things to do to break out of here. Best of all, I threatened her with divorce. I don't think she's taking me seriously yet.
But you know what, I'm actually excited about leaving, about living in a studio apartment with screaming neighbors and bad lighting. I'll be free.
I haven't been posting or responding or liking posts or anything in a long time. I've been busy at work, busy writing in my spare time (hope to publish a couple of things in the next month or two), but mostly in a dark hole about my marriage.
My wife has some disorder too, I'm certain. I'm a layman and cannot diagnose, but I'm offering my best guess as to what it would be if she were to get help. Both my son and I long ago figured out that its OCD. I don't want to go into details because it's upsetting and I'll end up whining. But believe me, there are lots of details that anyone would look at and say, "wow, that sure looks like OCD to me." But I think there are heaping spoonfuls of PTSD and narcissism too.
Be that as it may, she won't admit to having any issues at all; she I think has judged herself to be perfect. So on those occasions I've mentioned that she seems to have "some issue not so different from mine" she scoffs and finds a way to point to my stuff and imply that how can I judge when I'm obviously messed up. I'm the one with PTSD and about 10 years of therapy under my belt. (See if you haven't been to therapy, you're obviously sane.) I've suggested couples counseling three times and was rejected three times.
As a younger man, I had an enormous crush on a girl at school that did nothing but play games with me, but I never gave up, always made excuses, and always kept coming back. Deep down, I always figured that the relationship depended entirely on me. It was repetition compulsion; I would keep doing the same thing over and over again, hate every minute, but never get out of the gerbil cage. And yes, it had a lot to do with my mother not being there when I was six. Years later I could congratulate myself for finally being able to break that unhealthy style. Glad that's over cuz you know, some people can't even see that they do the same damn thing over and over.
I congratulated myself so much that I couldn't see things clearly regarding my mariage. I keep living here, despite feeling like an unwanted guest, like I'm less important than the pots and her precious f*ing cups and drapes what every other object in the place. I keep sticking around, never even leaving for a week to send a message, never threatening to leave her unless things change.
Well, I see it now. Still scared crapless to actually do it. But I started. I started looking at apartments (unf*ing believable how much they want for rent around here), making lists of things to take with me, things to do to break out of here. Best of all, I threatened her with divorce. I don't think she's taking me seriously yet.
But you know what, I'm actually excited about leaving, about living in a studio apartment with screaming neighbors and bad lighting. I'll be free.
