Going To See My Dad This Weekend...

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so I am going to spend 2 nights with my dad this Sunday-Tuesday. For those that don't know, me and my dad are trying to rebuild a relationship. He was abusive during my childhood then walked out of my life for 6yrs until 2010. Every since 2010 he has been trying with me. My Uncle and Aunt will be there Sunday for dinner, which will be nice. I am nervous not because I am afraid of what my dad will do, but I don't want to be triggered. I am taking one of my dogs with me because she helps keep me calm and helps me sleep.

Part of me wants to do this to prove to myself I can, but I don't want to make myself worse either. My dad has been asking for this for several months now and I feel bad to keep postponing him, especially because I don't have the excuse of being busy or anything. Honestly, my dad is easier to get along with than my mom, it's just the memories are worse about him and the trauma.

I don't really know the point of this post..

 

[Justmehere]

I have been struggling with figuring out what to do with my relationship with my formerly abusive father as well. It's so complicated and confusing for me.

Has your father ever admitted he was abusive or did wrong things in the past? Mine hasn't. It makes me hesitate doing anything with him, and for now, he is not in my life so I can work through the past. It's quite painful to have to cut my family out of my life, but it has helped me do deeper work in therapy. Maybe someday soon I will be able to connect with them again.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Justmehere dealing with family can be so hard! He hasn't directly said he was sorry for abusing me, but he has said sorry that my life was so hard growing up.I definitely think it would be easier to heal without them in my life, but I could never push them out, it was hard enough going several months without talking to my mom.

 

[NovemberStar]

I relate in that I've had to put a lot of distance between my sister and her kids, for most of the past 3 years. We are slowly building up our relationship again, but the main reason I have kept away is due to not wanting to be triggered.

@FindingMyself88 - I think it is perfectly reasonable to put of seeing him if you are feeling vulnerable to being triggered and going downhill. You need to put YOURSELF FIRST. You can honestly, and simply explain, you're having issues with your health (that are personal in nature, so don't really want to get into details - heck refer to 'women's problems' and that will stop a man from asking for any details lol!) and are just not up to visiting with him at the moment. You can pre-empt future pressure by explaining it's a long term health thing, and will take a while to fully recover.

Are you living in different cities to him? If you are living not too far away, why not arrange a short meet up (coffee, a movie) instead? It doesn't had to be 'all or nothing'.

If you find your anxiety peaking and PTSD getting worse in the lead up to going, that is definitely your answer - it is too soon. Your mental health is more important at the end of the day, than trying to please someone who hurt you badly :hug:

 

[FindingMyself88]

@NovemberStar I'm sorry about the situation with your sister, it is not an easy thing.

I am afraid of being triggered, but I'm not sure I could be much more triggered than I already am on a daily basis. My hope is that it might help me be able to focus more on present time than the past, if that makes sense??

I have put him off so much already. A couple of years ago I stayed with him for one night and while it was awkward, I did okay. Granted, this was before my PTSD symptoms became more severe. We live about 2 hours away from each other so a simple meet up isn't really possible. If worse comes to worse, I could only stay the one night so I get to see my Aunt and Uncle. Plus I will have Callie, my dog, with me and she helps keep me calm.

I guess I will see how I feel closer to time, I have to start physical therapy on my knee, so I could tell him I can't come due to PT appointment… Thank you for the advice and encouragement. I guess a big part of this is wanting to prove to myself that I can get past what was done. My T says I push myself too much, but its just who I am. Plus like I said, I deal with my mom who is still very difficult to deal with. Atleast my dad is trying...

 

[shimmerz]

@FindingMyself88 it sounds like you have thought this through and have an escape clause if you need out. That is a good thing. If your Aunt and Uncle are there it sounds like that is something you are looking forward to. Can you take it one step at a time and just focus on the time you will spend with them with your father not being the focus? Then if you need to leave and if your father is truly taking responsibility, I am certain he will 'get it' if you need to leave. This is your journey and his journey is his own. You will perhaps be doing him a large favour by taking on your feelings only and letting him take on his.

I wish for you that he is sincere in his wishes to repair things but it imho should be a slow process that he accepts at YOUR pace - not his.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@shimmerz Thank you. I am trying to focus on getting to see my Uncle and Aunt as I don't get to see or talk to them often. He has been patient with me, while still asking for this. I think the biggest reason I want to do this is to prove to myself things have changed..

 

[shimmerz]

@FindingMyself88 - nice...... I hope you are so proud of yourself.