Hello everyone,
There are a lot of threads on here about EMDR and people having a had time and difficult symptoms being dredged up from EMDR (seems to come up a lot when I search for EMDR). So, I wanted to come and share my experiences with EMDR so far, as an example of some of the positive results of the therapy.
I went for my first session on Monday (actually my 4th after doing all the history taking - but first session actually using EMDR). I made sure I did my research and found someone who has the right qualifications and training - she is the only person in our large city and the surrounding areas to have the hours of training to help people who are 'level 4 traumatised' (the top level apparently) and who suffer from schizophrenia and spend a lot of time in mental institutions.
I like her non BS approach, something that I found in my original PTSD therapist, and something that just clicks with me.
So we visited my worst memory on my trauma list (the thing that I felt was really traumatic). First I felt very strong feelings of pain and anger like I did at the time, they were strong and we stopped for a minute or two before they could become overwhelming (you are very much in control - you just raise your hand and say "stop"). She helped ground and calm me and then we went back in, this time the feelings were less strong; from them I moved to images of being smaller and separated from the scene, like I was outside of it and I also had images of me leaving the room - running outside and away. Then I had an image of myself laughing with my friends and feeling like I had let go of it/left it behind in that image. As we were doing the eye movements a smile involuntary flicked onto my face and she asked me what I was thinking and I said "I know they were wrong". She then said that we would use that belief to try and integrate it as a new positive beliefs, so we started to try to integrate the positive beliefs and ideas, such as - "I am free now" and "I know they were in the wrong".
We then stopped our EMDR and she discussed how to ground an look after myself outside of our session. Almost as soon as we stopped the EMDR, I looked at her and thought "she isn't my abuser" and I realised that I had always seen EVERYONE as my abuser/abusers - like I was always anxious someone would harm me. Straight away I could feel free and more like myself than ever before (or since before trauma). Vivacious, passionate, confident as hell - that was me before trauma and I sat there and spoke with her confidently - it was like someone had flicked a switch and my positive feelings came back online - like I felt passionate, I felt confident, I felt attracted to people - I realised how dead and switched off I was before.
After session, as I rode the tram back home I started making all these connections in my mind - that my shitty childhood shaped me for my future traumas and that I could see more clearly than ever that the people who harmed me had suffered dysfunctional histories themselves. Every reaction I have in the present - defensiveness, anger, anxiety - suddenly seemed to make so much more sense as I could now see the roots of these reactions within the past.
Right after session, yeah I've had some negative effects (there will definitely be more after my next session) - like I've cried and had anger flare up and have had bad dreams about my traumas and a nightmare the first night. Also, the whole image thing - like these images shoot up - fragments of images, like they do in dreams, can be really weird and creepy. I get some anxiety around getting psychosis and they kind of weirded me out but the feeling that the EMDR was really making positive changes and that these side effects would pass helped me get through them. The intensity of the symptoms mainly surfaced the night of the day of the treatment. It's Wednesday and apart from feeling more angry and like I can't be bothered with much today, the more intense side effects have past. I've also cried more, but I also see tears as a good thing - they heal. Anyway, it's been good so far and I'm really excited by the progress and what's to come. So good to feel like i am getting 'myself' back - haven't felt like myself in 10 years and so excited and hopeful to see more positive developments.
Also, just adding - I was pretty stable before treatment - I'd stabilised and worked through most of the extreme panic and rage and whatever using Somatic Experiencing. I was scared to try this, but it couldn't have been more worth it and so happy that I stuck to keeping to throwing myself into all kinds of treatments and never accepting the level my life had been brought down to by my trauma.
There are a lot of threads on here about EMDR and people having a had time and difficult symptoms being dredged up from EMDR (seems to come up a lot when I search for EMDR). So, I wanted to come and share my experiences with EMDR so far, as an example of some of the positive results of the therapy.
I went for my first session on Monday (actually my 4th after doing all the history taking - but first session actually using EMDR). I made sure I did my research and found someone who has the right qualifications and training - she is the only person in our large city and the surrounding areas to have the hours of training to help people who are 'level 4 traumatised' (the top level apparently) and who suffer from schizophrenia and spend a lot of time in mental institutions.
I like her non BS approach, something that I found in my original PTSD therapist, and something that just clicks with me.
So we visited my worst memory on my trauma list (the thing that I felt was really traumatic). First I felt very strong feelings of pain and anger like I did at the time, they were strong and we stopped for a minute or two before they could become overwhelming (you are very much in control - you just raise your hand and say "stop"). She helped ground and calm me and then we went back in, this time the feelings were less strong; from them I moved to images of being smaller and separated from the scene, like I was outside of it and I also had images of me leaving the room - running outside and away. Then I had an image of myself laughing with my friends and feeling like I had let go of it/left it behind in that image. As we were doing the eye movements a smile involuntary flicked onto my face and she asked me what I was thinking and I said "I know they were wrong". She then said that we would use that belief to try and integrate it as a new positive beliefs, so we started to try to integrate the positive beliefs and ideas, such as - "I am free now" and "I know they were in the wrong".
We then stopped our EMDR and she discussed how to ground an look after myself outside of our session. Almost as soon as we stopped the EMDR, I looked at her and thought "she isn't my abuser" and I realised that I had always seen EVERYONE as my abuser/abusers - like I was always anxious someone would harm me. Straight away I could feel free and more like myself than ever before (or since before trauma). Vivacious, passionate, confident as hell - that was me before trauma and I sat there and spoke with her confidently - it was like someone had flicked a switch and my positive feelings came back online - like I felt passionate, I felt confident, I felt attracted to people - I realised how dead and switched off I was before.
After session, as I rode the tram back home I started making all these connections in my mind - that my shitty childhood shaped me for my future traumas and that I could see more clearly than ever that the people who harmed me had suffered dysfunctional histories themselves. Every reaction I have in the present - defensiveness, anger, anxiety - suddenly seemed to make so much more sense as I could now see the roots of these reactions within the past.
Right after session, yeah I've had some negative effects (there will definitely be more after my next session) - like I've cried and had anger flare up and have had bad dreams about my traumas and a nightmare the first night. Also, the whole image thing - like these images shoot up - fragments of images, like they do in dreams, can be really weird and creepy. I get some anxiety around getting psychosis and they kind of weirded me out but the feeling that the EMDR was really making positive changes and that these side effects would pass helped me get through them. The intensity of the symptoms mainly surfaced the night of the day of the treatment. It's Wednesday and apart from feeling more angry and like I can't be bothered with much today, the more intense side effects have past. I've also cried more, but I also see tears as a good thing - they heal. Anyway, it's been good so far and I'm really excited by the progress and what's to come. So good to feel like i am getting 'myself' back - haven't felt like myself in 10 years and so excited and hopeful to see more positive developments.
Also, just adding - I was pretty stable before treatment - I'd stabilised and worked through most of the extreme panic and rage and whatever using Somatic Experiencing. I was scared to try this, but it couldn't have been more worth it and so happy that I stuck to keeping to throwing myself into all kinds of treatments and never accepting the level my life had been brought down to by my trauma.
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