Guess I've Blown It (relationship)

[TLight]

My supporter, in his midlife crisis, is cutting ties. Read 'starting over again for the Hundreth time".

I'm alone again, living at someones? house supposedly, got $1100 stolen from me from an unscrupulous real estate agent.....
I needed him.......and he's gone.

I don't know what I did wrong. Asked for what I needed to feel safe for over a year. Was told to 'not worry about it' 'get over it'.......The flashbacks, nightmares, rages started in with a vengance.
I've taken a million steps back and now I'm alone in the world with strangers.

Self pity? Well, yeah. I didn't deserve this. I'm down.......really freakin down and done.

He's gone......the one who held me through the flashbacks, the one who picked up my meds, the one who said he'd never abandon me. He's gone, all gone.

I feel dead really. Not suicidial,,just really dead. Like this really had to happen Again?

 

[Nicolette]

I'm sorry TLight :(

 

[revelry]

Everyone stumbles, but you can pull yourself together from this. Be strong, it helps to have the support of someone that you love and care for (god..do i know....), but sometimes we need to dust ourselves off....ourselves. I know you can do it.

sending strenght

 

[TLight]

Last night I got angry. I just couldn't believe he was letting me down like this and thinking of himself only. I flew into an astonished rage. I yelled and told him what a coward he was. He said I was 'hiding' my symptoms for 3 years and he didn't realize what PTSD was about.

I guess he didn't want to hear what I thought about him so he called the police and they hauled me off to the psyche ward.

I have no one. I want out of this house now! I hate him for doing this to me......for ignoring me telling him that my symptoms were ramping up.

Had to beg him to come get me at 1 a.m. I knew I would not sleep, strangers in the hallways, sounds, people coming in my room doing bed checks every hour. How can I get out of the house if I can't sleep to meet this lady tomorrow.

I'm a wreck. Feeling like I'm the wrong one, bad one.......has to be locked up. Alone.

It was like a jail......no comfort, no compassion, they took all my things........I hate him even more. I have to get out of here.

 

[Meadowsweet]

((((((Tlight))))))

You're not wrong or bad, and you will find somebody who understands and that will be the right person for you. You deserve better, just hang in there.

 

[TLight]

Do I? I'm so worn, worn to the bone. I knew I couldn't do this again, yet this man sucked me in, or at least I feel like he suckered me in.....all to bail when he wants his wants, no matter what it does to me.


Is that love? I don't understand love.......I just wanted love.

 

[anthony]

Very normal to go backwards when a relationship crumbles. The positive side is that you actually haven't forgotten everything you have learnt and done to get yourself stable enough in life... but a relationship breakdown is significant enough to cause a major symptom spike. You will get past it, you will feel better again... right now, you are grieving for a relationship. All perfectly normal.

You are still the one who has done the work to help yourself, to heal trauma, to learn how to manage yourself, etc etc... you just need to grieve then reengage what you know and how to manage yourself, and you will stabilise once again.

 

[TLight]

Thanks........I am pretty damn strong. Got 'home' at 3 a.m. Took drugs, slept until 12:30, then went and met these strangers and spent the entire day with them.....I'm exhausted, but I did it.

Met a famous horse trainer, held some horses while the vets worked on them, got a lot of 'hints' about this crabby and really old dressage riding champion lady who can't ride them anymore (but apparantly with a heart of gold)......then left to my barn and rode Riley and had a terrific lesson with this wonderful trainer.

Got back here at 8 pm...
Offered to write the woman a check to rent the RV. She said just come camp for awhile and we'll see how it goes. Everyone has hinted to me that if I'm low key, help out a bit, and generally am a good soul...she'll likely let me live there for free. She just wants someone to work with her horses, show them eventually.

I did all that after being thrown in the psyche unit last night from my so called 'husband.'

I'm blurry, tired, stressed...but I'm almost out.
I've been through a lot of triggering by 'selfish' men who just labeled me 'crazy.' Well, I'm hella of a lot stronger than those cowards.

 

[Nicolette]

Well, I'm hella of a lot stronger than those cowards.

You go girlfriend! That's the attitude :tup:

 

[Jawn]

TLight you are very strong and this will eventually make you stronger. Hang in there!

 

[Meadowsweet]

I've been through a lot of triggering by 'selfish' men who just labeled me 'crazy.' Well, I'm hella of a lot stronger than those cowards.

I totally agree. Well done for finding this strength again.

 

[NIKI]

Tlight, all I can say is wow. After coming home at 3:00am from what I am sure was a very scary night, you go out the SAME day, get things done that need to be done, pulling yourself up without missing a beat.