Sexual Assault Guilt

[Whyteferret]

Found out my perpetrator went to prison for sexual misconduct. This is a common plea down for sexual assault.

I keep thinking that lady had more guts than I did.

If I had reported and he was convicted, he would have gotten confinement to military prison. I keep asking myself how many women did he assault during the time he would have been confined if I had reported? I'm at least partially responsible. I could have at least tried to report.

Good news: what I found out about where he lives makes me feel quite a bit safer. I'm pretty much convinced he's not stalking me again. Or having me stalked.
But I just feel so guilty for not reporting.

 

[ghotiff]

I reported as a child, I remember going to the police station etc. and I was told he was convicted.

I rang the police station recently and apparently there is no record of me reporting, me going or his conviction. According to the police it never happened.

So, with this completely negative viewpoint...even if you did report, that doesn't guarantee the right outcome.

His crimes are not your responsibility. Keep the blame/guilt where it belongs, on him.

 

[Justmehere]

He is the one fully responsible for what he did. Not you.

Reporting a sexual assault is a very personal decision and every victim has the full right to choose not to report or to report. No victim should be blamed for later criminal acts because they decided to not report. You didn't have any choice in the crime happening against you, I fully support your making whatever choice you made about reporting what happened.

Reporting can help some, and for others it's retraumatizing, humiliating, and doesn't change anything. I reported the rape I survived. The person wasn't even arrested, and if anything, the cops ignored concerns about him all the more.

A very low percentage of reported rapes lead to an actual arrest and even fewer to an actual conviction. Check out the data here: https://rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates

Reporting the person who hurt you may not have actually prevented anything, even if they could have for sure convicted him, his criminal behavior is absolutely not your fault.

My rapist was later caught in the act, and later confessed to assaulting numerous people BEFORE me, not just afterwards.

If there were other people that he hurt before you, are they responsible for not reporting him? Or are they fellow victims who did the best they could to survive?

I would contend they are the later.

I have met some of the previous victims of my rapist. I don't blame any of the previous victims for not reporting him. Absolutely not. I don't blame them at all. Frankly, I wouldn't want any of the previous victims to take a single ounce of responsibility away from the rapist. I'm almost offended at the thought that a previous victim would be at all to blame for what happened to me. That honestly doesn't even work in my head. They were victims. That prick is 100% to blame. Period. Not any of his victims. If I knew any of them blamed themsleves for he criminal behavior against me, I would beg them to please give him all the blame. They don't deserve to feel any guilt at all.

Neither do you.

 

[ghotiff]

@Justmehere
it hadn't even occurred to me to ever blame or hold accountability to my abusers previous victims, so much so I didn't even think of that point when reading the opening post. So I agree with you wholeheartedly.

 

[Friday]

When I was in MCT one SSgt raped apx 80 out of the women in the 120 platoon. A few reported. Any of the rest of us could have corroborated that he'd order someone down to his office every night we were on base in the middle of the night even if we knew nothing else. From what I understand at least a few of his victims reported each and every single cycle. For his whole tour as an instructor. He did eventually get court martialed for it. Dozens of women, across god knows how many cycles stood as accusers. I don't even know how many standing as witness. He got off. As expected. And everyone who testified against him was blackballed. As expected. And he now had a golden ticket, unf*ckingtouchable. That's just life in the military. That's just one story. One you hear a thousand times, and witness hundreds.

Every duty station, every cruise on a ship, every deployment, it's just a question of numbers. Put few thousand people together & ...Someone will kill themselves. Someone will go UA. Someone will be raped. Someone will get arrested for a bar brawl. Someone will wreck their car. How many someone's is just a matter of numbers. How many people for how long?

You think he'd have gone to Leavenworth, now. Really? What about then? Did you really think that then, too? Or did you know better & you're second guessing and beating yourself up applying civvie standards to a whole different world?

 

[RussH]

Any thoughts of what might have happened if you had reported him is just a theory. You could come up with endless scenarios, some good some bad.

For example: If you had reported him, he could have been convicted, and gone to prison. Or you could have reported him, the police investigated, arrested him, but did not get a convection, so the next time he not only rapes the girl, but decides to kill her so she cannot report him.

The bottom line: you cannot know what would have happened if you had reported him. As others have said, he is solely responsible for his actions, and anyone assaulted by him following your assault is his responsibility, and not yours.

 

[Whyteferret]

Thanks everyone. My head goes in weird places at time. I don't blame any of the previous victims. But I blame myself. Maybe it comes to wishing I was a stronger person.

I know what you say is right in my head. My gut keeps going back to it.

Guilt is a weird thing. So is responsibility

 

[Ronin]

You /are/ a strong person, @Whyteferret.

You're alive & moral through it.
You don't side with the abusers & system.

Reads 'strong' to me just enough.