Relationship Hard To Keep My Feelings To Myself...

[Nelson2015]

Okay, so I have been separated from my (ex) fiancé for a few weeks now. There have been ups and downs. We have had great talks, some emotional times, and and a few small arguments. For the first couple weeks I asked questions that I wanted the answers to... but then realized I was making things worse. They were just questions that he really didn't have the answers to if that makes any sense, but as a supporter you are just so curious. I stopped asking questions... which made conversations easier for us. I figured it was just a day by thing.


But lately (the past few days) I have just wanted a hug. I want the affection from him. I want to see him. I miss him. I'm aware that he isn't able to be there in that way, and we may never be like that again because the future is so uncertain.

My question is... What's okay to say emotionally? Is it going to make things worse you I say things like I miss you? I know he is going through a lot, but is he going to think I don't care about any future for us if I keep quiet. Idk how ro go about that. I have gotten so much better at giving him space, but idk how much affection I'm allowed to show.

We are broken up. He is working on himself, and I am 100% a supporter through it all. At first he said he didn't want to be together again because of what he is dealing with. But he has since said maybe the future will be bright for us, so I don't want the spark to dissappear ya know?

Thoughts?

 

[joeylittle]

I think you have two different questions. This:

I don't want the spark to dissappear ya know?

Is what you are worried about. So this:

is he going to think I don't care about any future for us if I keep quiet.

Is your first question, how can you remind him that you are still invested in a future together.

idk how much affection I'm allowed to show.

Unlimited amounts of unconditional affection, until he tells you to stop. But unconditional - not affection that is actually about getting what you need, that's a different thing. Or about trying to 'talk in code' with things like this:

Is it going to make things worse you I say things like I miss you?

Yeah, might make it worse, because you are actually talking about your needs not his.

Your needs are valid. But in my mind, affection without any pressure would be something more like, "You're brave and I'm proud of you".

But about wanting him to know that you still want a future - that's a different conversation, where you tell him that you miss him in your life and still believe in a future together, whenever he's ready to begin it....or something like that that doesn't put pressure on him to assuage your fears or reassure you.

I don't know if this is making sense...

 

[Nelson2015]

@joeylittle

Well... We have had a conversation about just letting the future take place and lets see what happens. So idk if I need to say anything again. Maybe waiting until we hang out more or until he is further in his healing process is a better idea?

I love the "your brave and I'm proud of you". I know it's not about me. It's about him and his health. What other things can I say that will show him that I care without applying pressure?

My needs are valid, but I want to express my needs without added pressure.

 

[Recovery4Me]

My question is... What's okay to say emotionally? Is it going to make things worse you I say things like I miss you?

Break ups are so painful. I am sorry that you hurt.:hug:'s if you accept. However, it is the unfortunate part of being single to find a healthy manner in which to handle our emotions...like you are doing now...on this board. Big step.:tup: You may feel lonely but you are not alone. It has only been a short time, be gentle on yourself and gather solid friends and family that may be safe around you. Hang in there...one day at a time.

 

[joeylittle]

your brave and I'm proud of you"

This was the best one I could think of, but I bet other people will have ideas too. The notion is to reinforce and or validate something they are doing, and share how great you think it is, or how it makes you feel. And as long as it doesn't predict a response (that's why 'I miss you' is hard, because the auto-response is 'I miss you too', and if you don't say it, you are a bad partner, it creates pressure), and as long as you aren't using it in place of something else, like saying 'you're a strong guy" but meaning 'I'm still here'....then I think it'll be OK.

I want to express my needs without added pressure.

No, your needs might add pressure - and they are allowed to, really. Just, it sounds like from what you wrote about where the two of you are at, and where he is especially, that if you can buy into this for a while:

just letting the future take place and lets see what happens

Then, that's the deal you and he have. Eventually you might feel like the future has arrived and you want to know if he's gonna be in it. That's a different conversation, tho, and somewhat down the road (I think).

 

[Nelson2015]

@joeylittle

Thank you... I feel better now I have talked to someone. Today has just been and emotional day for me.

 

[Casey_03]

I think anything you say that is even remotely emotional will be putting pressure on him and will only make things worse. Definitely don't say 'I miss you.' It sounds like you want something in return for it. If I were you, I'd keep any communication completely neutral.

 

[daisyjane7]

Okay, so I have been separated from my (ex) fiancé for a few weeks now. There have been ups and down...

I feel the same way. It was happen last weekend. We hadn't talked and I was thinking about breakup or leave him for a space.