Has Anyone Else Discovered How Incredibly Cruel People Can Be, To Those Of Us With Ptsd?

[HFA_Cat]

I came out of an abusive relationship 2 years ago. My reward for finally getting out: PTSD. The gift that keeps on giving, I call it.

Prior to this awful relationship, I knew many people who had been abused. We all do, I'm sure. Me, I always went out of my way to make such folks feel comfortable, if there was nothing else I could do. (I own a large community & am a very small web celebrity.)

Now that it's moi who had been abused, and has this lovely disease that means whenever I get insulted I have an instant flashback - I've found, to my amazement, that people come after me on purpose. Insult, try to hurt on purpose, knowing exactly what happens to me. Now I get that people in my position have haters: been nearly 2 decades. I've had jillions of haters. AND websites devoted to it even!

It used to sting a bit, then I'd laugh it off. And once this, uh, crap happened - I was away from my community for a couple of years. On my return, I found exactly this, to my horror. So I have to wonder -

Anyone else out there absolutely blown away by cruelty such as this? For me, it's a revelation and a really ugly one. I've done research, and it mentioned something about "re-abuse' or something. I find it really hard to believe that people can be that cruel. Even after my relationship. (I have to add that I've been equally amazed by the utter kindness of total strangers: somehow that makes this 'cruelty' thing even worse.)

Hope this made sense - I'm a miserable puppy, triggered, and my brain isn't working well.

 

[Ethule.225]

I understand where you are coming from! My situation isn't exactly the same, but I have found that strangers have been more compassionate and understanding than the people whom I thought were closest in my life. It's weird to think about, or say really, but I found out the hard way. To some it's nice to hear that there are good people out there (and I love and appreciate all of those kind strangers), but in a weird way, I'm disappointed in the people who I thought I knew and I called friends and/or family, because they let me down.

It sucks, but I just have to let those people go so I can appreciate and love myself, and see myself the way strangers see me.

People are cruel to purposely cause triggers for you. We are not in high school, we are adults who need to stop gossiping and creating something to gossip about....this is why I like animals better lol. I hope this helped? Sorry for the long reply, I just have a lot of thoughts I guess haha.

 

[Diamonds]

I understand where you are coming from! My situation isn't exactly the same, but I have found that st...

I feel for all love ones that are the ones that stand beside their partners with PTSD..
Of course strangers are good because they aren't bias and don't know your full history but how would you like to be on the other side dealing with your illness..
Be understanding to the people who love you.. They just want to help fix you..

 

[Fadeaway]

From my understanding, abuse victims are drawn to people who are more likely to retraumatize them. There are threads on that here. I think on the other hand some people are drawn to trauma victims for the purpose of retraumatizing them.

Milder version - My husband who can be a really good guy most of the time really does escalate my anxiety on purpose. I swear it's like telling someone not to press the red button, so they HAVE to press the red button. Anyone else does it and he goes into instant protective mode. It's strange.

More extreme version- The excuse I was given for being raped was that he was disgusted by me because I had experienced CSA. I am trying to word that carefuly and it is a bit more complicated than that, but this person got off on preying on the information about my past.

So yes, people can be cruel because of it. Some more than others.

@Diamonds Maybe so, but it isn't their job to fix us. I would rather someone try to understand me and accept me in spite of the PTSD than try and fix the PTSD which is futile on their end.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Diamonds, WOW for the total lack of understanding and empathy in that post - surely your desire to have people be grateful for you putting up with them and fixing them is about you and your situation, but you are projecting your own issues onto people with PTSD and onto an individual that has been through an abusive relationship. If you want to be a hero of hardship, go fix someone who wants you to fix them. But please don't imagine that everyone with PTSD wants someone to fix them and ought to be grateful for you.

@HFA_Cat online there are lots of people that use the anonymity to play mind games. There are also lots of people that genuinely don't understand and can't 'get it'. In the communities that I mix in, I tend to share because it is therapeutic for me to learn to deal with the consequences of doing so. So the fact that people act like assholes is their problem - but for me it is an opportunity to look at myself and how I handle things.

 

[Spiderallis]

That's why I'm very careful what details are posted on my more known web presences- the trolls will be trolls because somehow that makes their hurts feel better. If your online community is that familiar with your situation, I'd consider using the 'block' or 'ban' features. It's something that most online groups cover in their rules- no harassing another member.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not quite sure why @Diamonds has received such a negative response! I don't think she said anything that was really that bad....

I feel for all love ones that are the ones that stand beside their partners with PTSD..

Agreed. We *can* be difficult at times, we can be trying at times, to put it mildly. I feel for supporters, too.

Of course strangers are good because they aren't bias and don't know your full history

Agreed. Sometimes that is. Well, sometimes strangers are indeed biased because of stereotypes, and other times they're pretty much unbiased because they don't know your whole history. It goes both ways.

but how would you like to be on the other side dealing with your illness..

Ok peeps who were offended.....let's try to move out of emotional mind and into wise mind by using some rationality! Yes, its true that we can be difficult to be around at times. I know that my family and friends have had to deal with some pretty bad crap of mine. I know I don't envy their position. I know its tough to be a supporter and I know I could never be one!

Be understanding to the people who love you..

Yep, very much agreed. If you take offense to this, I think you have a skewed perception of "love". Being abused and mistreated is NOT love. If your loved ones treat you this way, you might want to do an overhaul on what you believe love to be.

They just want to help fix you..

While I don't like the word "fix", from the other side of things, the "new to PTSD" side of things, the "normie" side of things, YES, many of our loved ones do want to fix us! They want us to be rid of this demon monster! Of course we are responsible for healing ourselves and others can't fix us, but the sentiment I see is that our LOVED ONES want to FIX us..... So throw out your poor definition of love and yes, this comes from a genuine place of concern. That is, loved ones wanting to see us get better.

I think its a bit ironic that diamonds is being accused of bringing her own personal bias to this when I don't see any personal bias at all. I do see a TON of personal bias from the person who is accusing her though.

ETA It seems like she was replying to the person directly in front of her, not necessarily the OP. (@Meadowsweet does this change your interpretation of what she's said?)

 

[scout86]

I'm not going to try to speak for @Meadowsweet . And, @Diamonds is certainly entitled to his/her way of looking at things. What bothered me about the way that post was worded was the whiff of martyrdom about it. The "The things we have to put up with!" deal. Like people with PTSD have to be told to appreciate others, like they don't bring any pluses to the relationship. Personally, I'd suggest if it's a huge sacrifice to be involved with someone with PTSD, then don't. It's a choice. It's either worth it to you or it's not. No merit badges for martyrdom and no guilt trips for others for being who they are either.

I didn't say anything myself because, although it sounded that way to me, I could easily be wrong in my interpretation. I do know I couldn't handle being involved with a partner who gave me the impression I was so hard to deal with they deserved a medal for putting up with me. Someone who felt that way ought to get out of the situation and I'd be the first to say so.

 

[Lucycat]

I find it really hard to believe that people can be that cruel.

I think that is it in a nutshell. People are cruel, regardless of any illness, disease, disability, disorder or trauma one might already be suffering.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Ok peeps who were offended.....let's try to move out of emotional mind and into wise mind by using some rationality! Yes, its true that we can be difficult to be around at times. I know that my family and friends have had to deal with some pretty bad crap of mine. I know I don't envy their position. I know its tough to be a supporter and I know I could never be one!

What I pointed out was that it was an individuals situation being projected onto people with PTSD.

You might be difficult to be around sometimes, your family and friends might have to deal with bad crap off you sometimes, and that is how you and your supporters interact, so you might accept diamonds comments as they relate to your life.

I'm not you. I don't have supporters or loved ones caring about me. I look after myself. I don't turn to anyone close to me when I'm in a difficult place and I don't give anyone any crap. I deal with everything by myself, as well as supporting myself and my children.

So I don't have room for people projecting their own issues with their own relationships onto me. I don't have to carry the can for how other people with PTSD behave. And I don't have to sit in silence when a particularly over-generalised ignorant and demoralising statement is made.

 

[sun seeker]

Be understanding to the people who love you.. They just want to help fix you..

I imagine this is well meant, but makes me shudder. The last thing I want is for anyone to try to fix me. I am damaged, yes. I am also human and have as much dignity as anyone. It takes incredible strength to live with PTSD. I'd rather hang out with people who see and reflect that strength than with those who see only the brokenness and take it on as a project to fix. Possibly that isn't how you meant it and I apologize if I am reading too much into this, but I have been hurt by too many people who have taken what amounts to a rather cavalier attitude.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Meadowsweet,

Again, re-read what I said. You're injecting So much meaning into something that someone else said! You're essentially blaming her for making an over generalized, ignorant and demoralizing statement. Do you know much of anything about @Diamonds? She's a new member. She may be new to PTSD. Would you like to be treated like this during your first weeks on the forum? Your an old timer. I expected better. And I still think you need to work on your DBT "rational mind" skills. That is, check yourself and your assumptions first.