Relationship Has He Gave Up, Is It Just Me?....

[A13]

Hi all,
I'm beginning to worry about my relationship.
I'm not sure if my sufferer is just in a bad place but things seem to be getting worse between us. Every time I try to speak to him I get upset, and then he gets cross because he thinks I'm trying to guilt trip him. Which leads to an argument. I'm really not trying to guilt trip him I'm just upset because I fear that our relationship is failing and find it really hard to discuss with him as he automatically gets defensive. So il begin, I'm hoping you can help me out and decide if I'm just taking things too personally!! Or advise me on how to go about this blip?

So we usually have a really tight relationship, best friends, who just fancied the pants off each other.
Over the last few months things have completely changed, we do live together so it isn't as though the honeymoon period has worn off..
we are now spending very little time together, our sex life is basically non-existent, he no longer comes to bed at night until the early hours, and stays in bed to mid-day.. I don't return home from work until 8pm which then he leaves to go to work for a couple of hours (3 nights)
We used to have weekly date night, that has all stopped. He just generally seems completely uninterested in me. He shrugs me off if I try any type of intimacy.

Am I just being needy and selfish or is my relationship genuinely in trouble!?

Thanks

 

[TheMinsterman]

It sounds like he is in withdrawal mode, which is very upsetting and confusing for supporters, especially the first time it happens and especially when you used to be very close. You have to remember you're looking at this, for want of a better word, "logically", if somebody withdraws and stops wanting to be around you it's because they hate you or reject you right? I mean, that makes the most sense. I've found, myself anyway, that with PTSD it may not mean anything person, it may not mean they hate you, they need to focus all their energy on holding themselves together right now and you're just too much of a distraction from that.

You're not being needy or selfish, believe me when I say that. I have only just gotten myself on an even keel from the sheer shock of having such close intimacy ripped away from me, it's incredibly difficult to go through and very, very jarring. You're not needy or selfish, you're just processing the very sudden loss and change.

Could you be in trouble? Hard to say. Some people here get told they're getting divorced over and over and they never really break up, others they just vanish and that's it, in my case I get old I am not being abandoned and leave a gaping hole in her life, but she isn't "into it" right now.

I wish we could say "you'll be fine", but there is no guarantee. Best thing you can do it is learn to give him space and try to work on not taking everything personally, which will be VERY difficult.

 

[A13]

@TheMinsterman
I really appreciate your reply. It helped me.
Since then things have got progressively worse.
He has been put back on medication. Which he isn't even taking properly. Sleeping a lot more, not eating properly, completely isolating himself.
I'm really worried about him. I feel so low at the minute due to a mixture of things (him putting me down, not wanting to be as much as near me, the pressure of all the bills/ animals/household stuff and working 50 hours a week to keep us afloat)
What I can't seem to get my head around is why it's only aimed at me!
He likes to to go on the hunt and is completely perfect with his hunting buddies or with friends or colleagues!! I'm the only person he seems to look at with absolute disgust.
Heart breaking really when you go from best friends to barely friends in the space of a few months.

I'm basically just a housekeeper who foots all the bills and sleeps in the same bed as him (the nights he decides to actually come to bed)
I don't know what I should do? Does anyone know if it would be beneficial for me to seek counceling? Or is that unnecessary?

I'm sad because I feel like I've not only lost him. But completely lost myself in the process.

Find myself driving in the car and almost bursting into tears if a sad song comes on.
Even just weepy composing this post!!

Any ideas guys??
Where do I go from here?
Do I just focus on living my own life and hope he comes round?
I was in al-anon for a while but because I've got so busy with everything I haven't managed to make it this month. Should I try my best to get back?

Il take any advise going, feeling desperate for any way to make me feel better and get back to me again.

A

 

[Buttercup]

Yes to all of that. Take care of yourself first. Al Anon, therapy, friends, exercise...whatever it takes. Also just keeping busy can help. I find, when I get down, I force myself to get up and clean something. Put on my music and just clean. That way I am distracted at least for a short time. This is just a little example that may or may not work for you.

Definitely get back to al anon. It seems like you need to set some boundaries with him and that can definitely help.

:hug:

 

[grimalkin]

I'll reiterate the yes! Take care of you! Go back to Al-Anon, maybe find a therapist for yourself, who knows PTSD and the effects it has on families and loved ones, and make sure you are taking care of your own needs.

I find myself doing the cleaning thing too when I'm in a particularly stressed mood - it's either clean or try to talk, and trying to talk to him doesn't work. I got myself a therapist, and my therapy is the same day, after our couples counseling so I can go in and process while it's still fresh.

One thing I've learned in the last couple months is nothing will happen until he wants it to. Meanwhile, just keep on.

 

[A13]

Thanks !!! These are all helpful!!
Time to focus on me!!
X
Appreciate your replies