Has Saying What Happened Helped?

[Almost There]

I have been seeing a trauma T since the fall (October 2013). He is really and truly fantastic. Patient (I mean patient because I resist a lot) and so non-judgemental.... I didn't know people like him existed. I have been doing my best at following his lead for prolonged exposure therapy and when I got really stuck, he never pushed me. Instead, he modified how the therapy is being done so that I can tolerate it better... It is still the hardest, most emotionally challenging thing I have ever done, but I am now doing it without having to share the details of what happened with anyone but me. Basically, I record myself saying all of the details of the incident and then I play it back so that I can listen to it and do the exposures. The recording, if it is not 30 to 40 mins long, will be listened to repeatedly until I reach the required 30 to 40 mins.

While all of this is helping me to get better, now that I have listened to it a few times, I have been thinking that at my next appointment on Monday, maybe I can tell my T what happened. He has been so great about not making me feel badly for not being able to open up.... At a recent session, I told him that I felt like I was wasting his time and that I was uncooperative. He reassured me that I wasn't and that I need to look at how hard I am on myself.

So, if I haven't lost you yet... What I am trying to figure out is if telling my T will help me take away the power of the person who hurt me? I have lived for so long by the rule that I won't tell anyone that I wonder if I will be able to get the full benefit of the therapy by avoiding telling my story to another person. The only other part that causes me concern is my T... He said once that he could never treat kids because it would be too hard for him. I don't want to upset him or make it hard on him.

 

[open eyes]

Although I don't know what's making you feel like you have to keep it to yourself, I can assure you that holding onto a secret that tightly will do nothing but eat away at you. I kept my abuse secret for almost a decade, because I felt disgusting for having to bear those memories. Opening up can be painful, scary & almost violating at first but it gets easier. I remember taking deep breaths, shaking, but saying to myself, "I did it" after talking. I only started to be free after I spoke up.

Whatever happened to you, it's over now & you don't have to keep it to yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it is good to open up. I would speak in generalities though without going into details, as that should be saved for processing. Also, if you're in the USA, if you reveal identifying details then your therapist is legally required to report it to social services. (I'm not sure if this is just for child abuse, or for abuse experienced as an adult as well)

That is, if you reveal identifying details, then it will be reported regardless of whether you want it to be or not. I had two different therapists in two different states tell me this, and one even went so far as to tell me that if I was saying too much, she would shush me as I needed to be the one who wanted to do the reporting rather than her doing it because she legally had no choice.

I hated this and it forced my hand at reporting, but in the end it was for the best as I didn't deserve to be silenced any longer.

 

[stilldancing]

Don't keep the secret. It doesn't sound like you're protecting anyone that deserves protection. I read once that keeping something inside is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. You can try all sorts of ways and use all sorts of energy to keep it under water, but it's going to bounce up again and again until you allow it to deflate.

 

[BloomInWinter]

When you can, tell. The healing isn't in the telling, but in the receiving appropriate compassion, support, and validation.

Keeping an abuser's secret is fulfilling a pact that we kept to stay safe. But once we're safe, keeping it to ourselves sides with the abuser against our own self, damaging our self-esteem, keeping us from receiving help, and moving forward. Also, even if no justice comes to the offender, that offender will know that not all victims will stay silent.

Push yourself to do it when you are able, in your own time, sharing only as you feel safe, knowing that we will be here to support you.

 

[Almost There]

Also, if you're in the USA, if you reveal identifying details then your therapist is legally required to report it to social services. (I'm not sure if this is just for child abuse, or for abuse experienced as an adult as well) That is, if you reveal identifying details, then it will be reported regardless of whether you want it to be or not.

I am not in the USA and from what I have been told, they only report if there is a danger to anyone (current danger). They will report if there is current abuse and minors in the home. As none of this applies, I know I am safe to speak.

 

[Almost There]

When you can, tell. The healing isn't in the telling, but in the receiving appropriate compassion, support, and validation.

Push yourself to do it when you are able, in your own time, sharing only as you feel safe, knowing that we will be here to support you.

I have already told some of it. I guess I am struggling with if there is benefit in saying all of it. I can feel my stress level rising just thinking about saying all of.

 

[BloomInWinter]

What you are experiencing is the normal "contemplating" state anxiety, if that helps.

The wonderful thing is, telling does help, enormously. We finally get to "tell" on our abuser. We feel all the undealt with feelings, but now in a time when we are safe and have good support.

The anxiety is just a stew of past feelings being given release. Once I told, my abusers stopped having the ability to keep re-victimizing me each day via proxy - my brain.

It's never too late to tell on them. It's never too late to stand up for ourselves. It isn't fun, it is scary, but it does bring about the healing we all deserve.

It has been so, for me. Now, I wish I could have mustered the courage to tell decades ago, because I see what was lost to me by keeping the secrets instead of living my life.

 

[Almost There]

Now, I wish I could have mustered the courage to tell decades ago, because I see what was lost to me by keeping the secrets instead of living my life.

Thank you for sharing this! I feel like I have had so many missed opportunities to live a full life because of the PTSD - even though I didn't know it until I sought help for stress this past fall. I have been saddened lately that I have just turned 40 and have only started to figure this out.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm a few years older and I feel the same way. It does get better. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Bloom. Telling the secrets takes all of the air and pressure out of them for you. I am fifty nine and it does get better. You are on your way to so much healing on your journey.