whiteraven
Diamond Member
I really and truly hate this life that I'm just surviving. It's been 2 1/2 years that I lost my trust in everyone, and instead of improving, instead of getting at least some of that back, it's only gotten worse. That loss of trust seems to have brought to the surface a whole host of other symptoms that have been buried for a very long time, and I simply have lost all control over my emotions.
Seems that now, triggers are way more intense than ever. It takes me a lot longer to recover. Like there was an incident at work on Thursday - took me until today, and I'm not exactly recovered. Of course, like I mentioned to my therapist several weeks ago, it is impossible, I think, to even begin working toward health when I don't have a moment of safety. If I work in a job where the environment is so toxic it is triggering every single day, and it takes me all weekend to recover, only to be thrust back into it at the beginning of the week, how can I even begin to heal?
And work is just one thing. There are a dozen others. That is just the current, major one.
I am seriously overwhelmed. My therapist is completely unhelpful at the moment for some reason I don't fully understand. Since I have absolutely no trust in a soul (save for him - I can still see him, although it's painful to go), I can't look for someone new. (It would not be helpful to even suggest that. I have considered it, but even the thought of trying reduces me to sobbing.) I am without an MD, due to massive betrayals on her part, and I actually managed to call to arrange a new appointment, but that was 2 weeks ago and they never called me back (this after making 12 calls to docs that weren't accepting new patients - such a hard thing for me to do in the first place).
Anyway, I hate getting up in the morning anymore. I've been off work for 3 days and I haven't been able to leave the house the whole time. I went outside briefly a little bit ago, and started sobbing. I'm a mess.
I really just am ready for it all to go away.
Seems that now, triggers are way more intense than ever. It takes me a lot longer to recover. Like there was an incident at work on Thursday - took me until today, and I'm not exactly recovered. Of course, like I mentioned to my therapist several weeks ago, it is impossible, I think, to even begin working toward health when I don't have a moment of safety. If I work in a job where the environment is so toxic it is triggering every single day, and it takes me all weekend to recover, only to be thrust back into it at the beginning of the week, how can I even begin to heal?
And work is just one thing. There are a dozen others. That is just the current, major one.
I am seriously overwhelmed. My therapist is completely unhelpful at the moment for some reason I don't fully understand. Since I have absolutely no trust in a soul (save for him - I can still see him, although it's painful to go), I can't look for someone new. (It would not be helpful to even suggest that. I have considered it, but even the thought of trying reduces me to sobbing.) I am without an MD, due to massive betrayals on her part, and I actually managed to call to arrange a new appointment, but that was 2 weeks ago and they never called me back (this after making 12 calls to docs that weren't accepting new patients - such a hard thing for me to do in the first place).
Anyway, I hate getting up in the morning anymore. I've been off work for 3 days and I haven't been able to leave the house the whole time. I went outside briefly a little bit ago, and started sobbing. I'm a mess.
I really just am ready for it all to go away.
