Have any other rape/assault and sexual abuse victims used risky sex to self harm?

[Anonymoussssssssssss]

I've been raped, abused a bit as a kid, exc... and I've been really into the whole risk taking sort of "coping" mechanisms (more like "damage" mechanisms) that involve having (this is kinda embarrassing) sex with "scum" essentially for self harm. I have sex with any man who wants it almost. Mostly via Whisper and being a sort of predator meat. I just turned 18, been doing that since I was 14. I just wanted to be more and more damaged. I never liked having sex, except once when I was drunk. I just feel scared, awful or numb.
Does anyone else do this or has done this?

 

[Kubash16]

Since I was 12 (just turned 28). You are not alone. Are you seeing a therapist?

 

[Cypress]

I did this from 12-16. Does your therapist know!

 

[FauxLiz]

I have struggled with this since I was in my early teens (almost 50 now). I spent a lot of time on this while inpatient last year, you are not alone in this.

 

[susannahsays]

Yep. I purposely seek out horrible men who basically want to rape me. I have this messed up belief that I'm somehow "winning" because they can't rape me if it was my intention all along for them to treat me like crap. Sometimes I even intentionally play mind games and let them think they actually forced me into something. Makes me feel superior for some reason.

 

[ChildofGod]

I was like that when I was younger. I too could mostly only be intimate with someone totally drunk. I don't drink anymore but have no interest in men now or anytime soon. I'm so truly sorry about the bad things that happened to you, too.

 

[brokenpony]

yes absolutely

 

[flowerapple]

I do it to. I try to stop it and I know I should but then I feel so bad and I think I don't deserve to feel this good and I should feel worse so I do it. I find guys who I absolutely dislike and that I know will treat me badly and then I do whatever they want.

 

[lookingfor help]

Like a lot of people who have already spoken, I have definitely used sex and risk taking as a coping mechanism (and still do, I made a recent thread about my experience).
I’ve only ever had sex when I was drunk, and only began having sex after my assault. I’ve felt what it’s like to be around a boy when all that alcohol has worn off and it feels vulnerable and unsafe, and my body goes into hyper villigance - everything is suddenly sensitive, something as innocent as a boy sleeping next to me or holding me after sex and kissing me on the shoulder feels like a threat and my body goes into defence and just freezes (like it did during my assault).

I know these men don’t deserve me and I can do better but in the moment I don’t care enough to try and stop it, again it’s this idea of feeling like well at least this time I have a choice, at least here I’m in control, but is it what I really want?
My biggest fear is one day finding someone good enough and right enough you loves me, and having to explain my past to them. Sometimes I can’t help but think I’ve made myself so unloveable what’s the point in stopping now.

 

[brokenpony]

interesting that so many of us with this problem can only have sex drunk. i have never had sober sex. the closest i came was not drinking enough to numb the pain and sticking through it.

 

[lookingfor help]

interesting that so many of us with this problem can only have sex drunk. i have never had sober sex. the closest i came was not drinking enough to numb the pain and sticking through it.

:// one day we’ll feel comfortable enough with someone we feel comfortable enough to go without alcohol. i remember speaking with a GP who made me feel safe and her telling me that too. that sex will be enjoyable one day and that what i’ve been through doesn’t need to ruin that forever.