Having Feelings For My Mother

[Let It Be]

My heart hurts because I keep trying and trying to feel something, anything, for my mother, and I can’t.

I finally was able to cut-off contact with her almost two years ago. She was placed in a nursing home this past September. My brother is able to see her and I asked him to take pictures of her. I received the pictures today and she is definitely looking her age now, in a wheelchair, etc.

I have talked about how I was abandoned by her when I was 6 years old when my sister was born. Every conversation I had throughout my lifetime was always about my sister and her kids.

My brother is finally feeling more empowered and he, too, has decided not to attend my mother’s funeral. Being around my sister is just not something a person does lightly. He told me that friends have volunteered to go with him to be a “bodyguard” to deflect any comments, etc. from her. He didn’t think that would be very wise.

I have the pictures and I can look at them, but I don’t have any feelings for this lady. I know she is my mother because my birth certificate says so, but I feel like such a “fake” because aren’t I supposed to have some feelings for my “mother”. All I can remember are the times when she rejected me in so many ways, to the point, that I know she probably wished I had never been born.

I just feel like I’m on the fence, because one day, my sister will probably call me with the news about my mother. My brother keeps coaching me to take the “high road” with her and not let her have it.

When I talk about my mother with another person, it doesn’t feel “real” and I don't like it. I guess I’m just sad over the fact that she never got to know me, and probably she didn’t allow me to get to know her either. Maybe I just need to grieve over the loss of a mother I never had but then there are others who just wouldn't understand this. Just never experienced unconditional love from her.

Do I have feelings, or where did my feelings go, or did I ever have them for her?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Just because they are our parents, doesn't mean that we have to like them or love them......They have to earn that, and if they didn't, well they didn't....

I didn't go to my mothers funeral either. I don't do funerals well, as it is a trigger for me, but I didn't go to hers because I felt like you... Indifferent, not love, not hate, just nothing....I still feel this way, and she died in '96......

 

[Grama-Herc]

I had the similar feelings about my father. I hated the man and he was out of my life from the time I was 17 until his death when I was 40. BUT, I miss my daddy. Does that make any sense to you? I had a daddy until I was 9 and then my sister was born and I was pushed side and forgotten about, ignored and ridiculed, often in front of his friends.

My sister got mad at mother years ago and yelled at her--"It's a shame you can pick your friends but not your family" I think you will find that you are not alone with your feelings. There will be a lot of people who feel the same way you do. She Cat is right when she says our parents need to earn our respect. I know what it is like to be on the other side, I am currently a parent trying to "earn" my daughter back.

 

[midi]

Try to accept what you feel for your mother instead of forcing yourself to feel otherwise. I feel nothing for my mother. I recently (last year) tried to reconnect with my father (on his olive branch) and it didn't work.

Maybe, like Herc as noted, peeps have mixed and conflicting feelings for parents - and that's OKAY. Nothing is black and white, but one thing is for sure; we feel what we feel.

The best to you on finding inner peace with regards to your mother.

 

[Let It Be]

Thanks all for your replies. It was like even though I was looking at her pictures and seeing a person who is quite elderly now, I also was still seeing the same person who did what she did to me. It was like I don’t need to see her again.

I just remember how many times I would try to get close to this lady, and how she was not able to, and I kept thinking what is wrong with me. Now, I know it was about her, thus, I will continue to grieve what was never meant to be.

 

[Let It Be]

I came here to talk about My Mother and I thought I would update you all. Yesterday I heard the news that my mother had died the night before.

I guess you might say I’m dealing with some emotional pain, but so many “indifferent” feelings right now.

Here I had ventured out of the house yesterday afternoon to walk around the lake as it finally had gotten up to the 40’s. I came home to find a message on the answering machine. It was from a couple who used to be very good friends with my mother. He was telling me how sorry he was to hear of my mother’s death. That is how I heard the news.

I did call the lady back to talk to her. It seems that my brother-in-law, not my sister, had called my brother to tell him the news. My brother then tried me, and then went ahead and had called this couple.

This couple also learned about the funeral. It is not going to be in the city or at the church where my mother had lived for so many years but it is going to be where she grew up at.

My brother did call me later and we did talk. Both of us don’t plan to attend her funeral especially since my sister hasn’t called us to tell us, and now that it is such a distance from where both of us live.

So thank you all for listening to me this past year or so about my mother/sister/brother and now even at her death, the family dysfunction is still there, and how my sister was the favorite. I never thought that I would hear the news of my mother’s death like I did. So I will get on the computer to see if there is an obituary for me to read to know more details.

It’s over…

 

[tiredmomma]

I feel the same way about my parents. My father especially. I doubt I will feel anything when he dies, I don't plan on attending any funeral. I love my grandmother like a mother and I'm lucky I had her. I love my foster parent's - even though I didn't live with them long, I still have a special bond with them, and I am grateful for that.

Just wanted to say that I don't feel you have to love your biological mother, not at all. I feel remorse at having no parents but I do not mourn those who failed to fill their roll.

Erin