My mother claims elder abuse anytime she doesn’t get what she wants

[Justmehere]

Recently, she has fallen into claiming criminal elder abuse if I don’t do exactly what she wants when she wants it. Suggesting she get blood work her doctor suggested… elder abuse. Going to buy her dinner because she didn’t like the one I made… elder abuse. Not getting things off her floor the instant she demands it… elder abuse. Taking time for myself to attend to my life… elder abuse.

This comes up if I have any contact with her and it’s happening at an increasing pace. It used to be once every 6 months. Now it is once every 6 weeks.

The rest of the time she is jovial and happy, albeit a bit rude to me at times with lots of commands that assume I’m stupid that I tell her ti stop making it otherwise ignore.

She does not have dementia or anything like that.

If I cut her off, I lose all access to family gatherings. Some of those family gatherings have been really good and healing… and I’m struggle letting go. The good times with her are very good.

I’m very upset she keeps doing this. I’ve consulted lawyers and they have good advice how to legally protect myself around her. My extended family says to just put up with it… People around her say I overreact. She is an old woman, doesn’t mean it. My friends say I underreact. She is a jerk.

In the end, I’m really hurt she does this — she doesn’t do it to her other adult children — and not sure how to get past the depth of the emotional hurt to make clear decisions what to do.

 

[Rose White]

The overlap between her behavior and the guy’s you just broke up with are striking.

Lots of people have different opinions about her motives!

What kinds of boundaries have you set with her? It doesn’t have to be cutting her off completely. Just something like, “I care about you but I won’t be treated this way. If you continue to do/say X, I will leave/hang up etc.”

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

not sure how to get past the depth of the emotional hurt to make clear decisions

Does writing about it here help? How would you like it to be going forward?

Boundaries, writing it down and attempting to talk to her seem like the best options. Control where and when you see her? Something suggested to me once about more neutral locations reducing the requests/demands.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, I have set boundaries, walked away, hung up, cut off contact, etc. She will reset sometimes.

Right now, I’m so upset and angry, I can’t even talk to my therapist about it much, I start falling apart too much. It’s really triggering to me. I have gone full no contact right now.

 

[Movingforward10]

It’s finding a way to not let it upset you.

You know that it isn’t elder abuse.
This is her being spiteful or bullying or manipulative or whatever it is.
The way I deal with similar things from my mother is to put it back on her. I’ve told her that this is the state of our relationship because of how she treats me, and if she wishes to see me more she will need to treat me better. (She hasn’t and in fact is upping the behaviour). I can let it wash over me more than I used to. I just feel sad for her. I’ve accepted she is unable to have care or empathy for me (and is likely a narcissist). All of that helps to understand this is a her thing. And I stand true to my convictions.
My mum also treats me differently to my siblings,


Going no contact is brave. I haven’t done that.

Why can you not go to family gatherings if you have no contact with her? Maybe find a way to stay in contact with others without the need for her?

 

[arfie]

i hesitate to respond here because i am the evil mother in my own rendition of this scenario. my eldest son is currently a 45 year old homeless crackhead. i haven't seen him since 2017 when he awarded me the toxic mom honors. our electronic contact has been minimal since i stopped giving him money, though he is still milking my husband for that entitlement. our family is not big enough for many family gatherings but he has been invited to all of them. he never shows.

it hurts my heart more than i can say, but i feel utterly helpless to change a thing.

dunno what i am reaching for here. i think i am just grasping at straws for healing hopes. prayers ongoing.

 

[Justmehere]

Still struggling…

But I decided to encourage her to call proper authorities, mentioned a few horrible things she has said and done to put vulnerable kids and an at risk adult at risk of harm (no harm done but the risk was real) and said it makes good sense to let the authorities investigate who is putting the vulnerable in harms way.

She hasn’t brought it up since. It’s only been a short time, and I’m super low contact, but it’s a start.

 

[shimmerz]

encourage her to call proper authorities,

I did this with my step children years ago while under attack. Worked like a charm. Staring it down really does give power in what seems like a powerless situation imho. Best of luck to you ....

 

[Justmehere]

Well, damn it. When this stopped “working” to get the type of attention she wanted she now is shooting off her mouth about uh, weapons. Goodness.

Okay. I finally get it. She is a freaking narcissist. I attempted family therapy and it was canceled by two therapists within 20 minutes of the first session. I will not try it again as it was a disaster.

I just sent an actual cease and desist letter asking she refrain from further contact at this time until further notice due to lack of appropriate management of the safety of weapons in the home. I got as serious as if she was just a local random person saying the things the said and not a family member. I made it formal really fast because I can’t with any of this and I don’t think she’d listen to anything else.

This is all very wild for her to do. She’s never been great but this is nuts.

 

[Freemartin]

I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation with my father. He wanted me, among other things, to leave my spouse of 25 years and move to live with them. Every time I refused his insane demands, he would lash out, threaten to kill himself etc.

I put up with his shite for years. Way too long in hindsight. It nearly broke me. Like, really. Every time I saw he called or texted, I had a massive panic reaction. I had trouble sleeping and, all in all, was a nervous wreck.

At some point, I started taking ”the official route”. Meaning, in my country we have this system that if you suspect someone is in incapable of taking care of themselves, you call the on-call social service and file this ”report of worry” (sorry for the appalling translation ). Then the social system has the obligation to go figure out what’s going on. Of course, my father was furious, but the mere act of taking those official steps was utterly sobering for me. I mean, when decribing the situation to those kind, matter-of-fact civil servants, I truly realised what an epic mindf*ck was at play. The effect was just astounding.

I eventually ended up going no contact. Which really was the right thing to do. And having taken those steps along the official route I now have a relative peace with the decision. Just seeing the situation through that lense was a game changer.

It’s just a huge mindf*ck, all this crazy, on-off blamegame, isn’t it? One moment the elderly parent is all nice and normal, then, out of nowhere, come these insane out-of-proportion blame and blackmail. It really, really f*cks with one’s mind.