Having Trouble With Adult Intimacy

[Fortress]

Okay, so I'm not really sure how to bring this up. I don't want to cross an appropriateness line, but I could really use some advice.

I have a lot of trouble with physical intimacy. This is very frustrating for me, because my husband and I are young, newly married, and should be enjoying ourselves! He is so patient and never gives me a hard time about it, but...once every month or so isn't really enough for me to feel like I'm being a good wife.

Sometimes I wish that sex didn't even exist. Then the man who hurt me as a child would never have wanted to do that. Men today wouldn't look at me the way they do. I think about sex so rarely, and want it so rarely, that every time it comes up I feel caught off guard.

I have been able to do it. I even enjoy it (imagine that :wink:) once I get in the moment and stop thinking. The problem is all beforehand, when I get triggered, or get myself so anxious that I'm not "in the mood" anymore. Any time my husband touches me, my instinctive reaction is fear and anger, as though I were being violated. If I can grit my teeth and force myself to stop thinking, then it becomes everything I want it to be. Most of the time, though, I'll curl into a ball, cry, cringe, or have a flashback instead.

Of course, being aware that it's a problem only sends me into a shame/anxiety spiral that makes things worse. I've had panic attacks from the mere thought of being intimate with my husband later, because I am already feeling shame and guilt.

My defense mechanism is to repress my sex drive almost entirely. I'm just...not in the mood. :dontknow:

Help?

 

[Healing Survivor]

I wish there was some way to describe how well I understand what you're saying. I've been married over six years and my husband and I have always struggled with this. I'm currently going to a sex therapist and learning a lot. But I'm willing to talk more about it (I have TONS to say), but not sure about doing that publically. So feel free to PM me. THANK YOU for bringing this up!!!

 

[pandora]

You are so not alone. I suffer with this too. I physically have no sex drive and the thought of if often just makes me feel literally anxious even still with therapy. I think if I ever get into an intimate relationship i may need sex therapy but how do you explain that or try to start a new relationship with this type of thing..I find it very embarassing and like a :crazy:failure. If you get some answers please share them with me.

 

[Micah]

I spent my last relationship the same way. I couldn't stand the thought of anything sexual with him. At first I felt guilty and would try for his sake, but I could never make myself enjoy it and it was just a disaster. So I just accepted my lack of sex drive and we essentially just became friends. He stopped asking or initiating anything because there was no point and I just settled into our relationship as if we were good friends. We eventually just had a discussion where we realized that we were no longer in an intimate relationship and decided to just be friends. We're still friends and it's great, I can talk to him about this stuff because he was there for some of it. That actually kind of worked out in my case, but in yours it wouldn't.

It makes it much harder when on top of everything you're dealing with you feel guilty for bringing it into someone else's life as well. It helps to have someone very understanding though. Someone you love and feel comfortable with and who is receptive enough to know when not to try and when to stop. I'm in a different relationship now with someone who admits to not knowing what I'm going through, but who knows me well enough and respects me enough to know when to step back. I feel like I have finally found a good balance. I hope you manage to get to the same point. I just accepted that it would be hard and that there would be times when he might want more and when I might feel guilty, but I know that we both love each other enough to get through those times. Some times I have to make an effort to start something knowing that once we get started I will enjoy it and it will be worth it. He's not the one who hurt me.

I hope things work out with you. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship and I hope you can find it in yours.

 

[2quilt]

Many of us with PTSD have this problem. I had a discussion with my DH about this and reminded him that I don't want to feel like an object, a semen recepticle, or just someone to screw once a week. I am a whole person and gave him reminders of my childhood that made him realize why he has to be careful with me.

I am also taking an antidepressant so I have no sex drive to speak of. So it seems that I never want sex, and I am just available when he wants sex.

I don't disassociate when we have sex, but my mind wanders to things like the grocery list.

 

[Jubilation4Me]

I can relate to all of you. It's a shame that we have this problem.......it is really tough. My husband is very understanding most of the time.......but, he does get tired of going through this with me.......and I can't blame the poor man.

 

[kers]

Any time my husband touches me, my instinctive reaction is fear and anger, as though I were being violated. If I can grit my teeth and force myself to stop thinking, then it becomes everything I want it to be. Most of the time, though, I'll curl into a ball, cry, cringe, or have a flashback instead.

I wonder what would happen if you told him what was going on in the moment when you feel fear? If he comforts you--takes sex off the table for a bit--do you feel safer, safe enough to initiate continuing intimacy? This makes me think of how in therapy I often have to go forward with a discussion, and then pause it to recover my sense of safety, and then I feel safe enough to continue. It's a slow, halting process, but it eventually works because I am in control the whole time. While it's good that you can grit your teeth to get over the feelings, there might be another way through them?