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Coping with lack of intimacy

My wife (married 12 years) is a SA survivor, with a diagnosis of complex PTSD.

She’s been super open and honest about everything going on and she has a great handle on her triggers and what she needs. I’m so proud of the work and progress she’s made with her therapy and other stuff she’s done. We have a couple of kids and she’s been a rockstar with them. When I think of how different her life - and ours - could’ve been, I really am so proud and grateful for her putting in the hard work.

But... for a ton of PTSD, physical, and completely understandable reasons, sex hasn’t happened for about 3 or 4 years. I guess one of the expectations I always had in the back of my mind was that her sex drive might come back after therapy (I feel ashamed to even type that seeing how selfish it sounds), but she told me a while back that she’s never really had much of a sex drive, and was previously “acting” what she thought she needed to be in a relationship. She’s made it clear that sex isn’t a big deal for her, and not something she’s wanting to pursue. She could happily go without it. But I don’t think I can. Or, if I can go without it... I don't know how.

I just want to be clear - sex drives are sex drives. There is no “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad”, “better” or “worse” as far as I'm concerned. It is what it is and I would never expect anyone to "fix" themselves to suit me or someone else (Ew!). I would be devastated if I found out someone was faking/acting with me like that.

I love my wife, our kids, and our life to bits, but... the thought of not having any sexual intimacy for the rest of my life (I'm 50) is hard to manage and I don’t want it turning into frustration or resentment later down the road.

I realise there are no easy solutions for this. I guess I'm just posting to hear that I'm not alone... and if I'm not alone, hearing from others might help. Thanks.
 
This is a really tough part for partners of people recovering from abuse, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

When's the last time you had an open, honest discussion about each of your expectations around sex? Have you told her everything that you wrote in your post?
 
I’m sorry you are going through this. Lack of physical intimacy can be difficult to get past, especially if you are a demonstrably affectionate person.

she told me a while back that she’s never really had much of a sex drive, and was previously “acting” what she thought she needed to be in a relationship.

^^^ you’re also allowed to feel how you need to feel about this, especially if you had an active sex life in the beginning of your relationship.
 
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