Coping with lack of intimacy

[SedatableAnchovies]

My wife (married 12 years) is a SA survivor, with a diagnosis of complex PTSD.

She’s been super open and honest about everything going on and she has a great handle on her triggers and what she needs. I’m so proud of the work and progress she’s made with her therapy and other stuff she’s done. We have a couple of kids and she’s been a rockstar with them. When I think of how different her life - and ours - could’ve been, I really am so proud and grateful for her putting in the hard work.

But... for a ton of PTSD, physical, and completely understandable reasons, sex hasn’t happened for about 3 or 4 years. I guess one of the expectations I always had in the back of my mind was that her sex drive might come back after therapy (I feel ashamed to even type that seeing how selfish it sounds), but she told me a while back that she’s never really had much of a sex drive, and was previously “acting” what she thought she needed to be in a relationship. She’s made it clear that sex isn’t a big deal for her, and not something she’s wanting to pursue. She could happily go without it. But I don’t think I can. Or, if I can go without it... I don't know how.

I just want to be clear - sex drives are sex drives. There is no “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad”, “better” or “worse” as far as I'm concerned. It is what it is and I would never expect anyone to "fix" themselves to suit me or someone else (Ew!). I would be devastated if I found out someone was faking/acting with me like that.

I love my wife, our kids, and our life to bits, but... the thought of not having any sexual intimacy for the rest of my life (I'm 50) is hard to manage and I don’t want it turning into frustration or resentment later down the road.

I realise there are no easy solutions for this. I guess I'm just posting to hear that I'm not alone... and if I'm not alone, hearing from others might help. Thanks.

 

[somerandomguy]

This is a really tough part for partners of people recovering from abuse, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

When's the last time you had an open, honest discussion about each of your expectations around sex? Have you told her everything that you wrote in your post?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’m sorry you are going through this. Lack of physical intimacy can be difficult to get past, especially if you are a demonstrably affectionate person.

she told me a while back that she’s never really had much of a sex drive, and was previously “acting” what she thought she needed to be in a relationship.

^^^ you’re also allowed to feel how you need to feel about this, especially if you had an active sex life in the beginning of your relationship.

 

[Applecore]

My wife (married 12 years) is a SA survivor, with a diagnosis of complex PTSD.

She’s been super open and honest about everything going on and she has a great handle on her triggers and what she needs. I’m so proud of the work and progress she’s made with her therapy and other stuff she’s done. We have a couple of kids and she’s been a rockstar with them. When I think of how different her life - and ours - could’ve been, I really am so proud and grateful for her putting in the hard work.

But... for a ton of PTSD, physical, and completely understandable reasons, sex hasn’t happened for about 3 or 4 years. I guess one of the expectations I always had in the back of my mind was that her sex drive might come back after therapy (I feel ashamed to even type that seeing how selfish it sounds), but she told me a while back that she’s never really had much of a sex drive, and was previously “acting” what she thought she needed to be in a relationship. She’s made it clear that sex isn’t a big deal for her, and not something she’s wanting to pursue. She could happily go without it. But I don’t think I can. Or, if I can go without it... I don't know how.

I just want to be clear - sex drives are sex drives. There is no “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad”, “better” or “worse” as far as I'm concerned. It is what it is and I would never expect anyone to "fix" themselves to suit me or someone else (Ew!). I would be devastated if I found out someone was faking/acting with me like that.

I love my wife, our kids, and our life to bits, but... the thought of not having any sexual intimacy for the rest of my life (I'm 50) is hard to manage and I don’t want it turning into frustration or resentment later down the road.

I realise there are no easy solutions for this. I guess I'm just posting to hear that I'm not alone... and if I'm not alone, hearing from others might help. Thanks.

This reply is three months late. As a 48 year old man with a strong sex drive who hasn't had sex for years I have a few very subjective opinions to contribute. You may disagree or find them something to bounce off.

I happen to be a survivor of relatively minor sexual abuse. My father tried to get me involved with sex with his girlfriend when I was an infant (the three of us naked in bed, him trying to get me to touch her privates, me totally uninterested). My mother 'assaulted' me in my early teens (pushed me to the floor, laughing maniacally, and forced her tongue in my mouth as I repeatedly said "no"). I was groped a couple of times by strange men on public transport. For the record, I was also drunkenly groped and assaulted by women in my early 20s, but as I am a man most of society thinks this isn't anything to complain about and I agree.

I was never raped. I know many women who have been; some of these women became highly promiscuous, others became highly inhibited. Therefore I am not sure there's any correlation.

I am a serial monogamist and have had some really passionate sexual and loving relationships with women who had no less of a sex drive than I did. In fact some of them were way more 'edgy' than I ever was and felt that kink was part of love.

I now have a friend who I love, our relationship started out as an extremely passionate, fully lustful connection about 11 years ago. That was before we totally knew each other, it was just massive chemistry of personalities that immediately translated into sex. That was the first phase.

Something changed as we got to know each other. It was almost like we became such innocent lovers that playfulness and humour became more important than sex. It gave us the bond that we loved, and sex just became irrelevant. That was the second phase.

Then we had such an intimate, perhaps 'unboundaried' relationship in which we had gigantic arguments. These were so huge that the thought of sex for me with her just didn't feel relaxed and comfortable and intimate. Intimacy came from 'heavy' psychological conversations, interspersed with the ongoing playfulness and joviality. That was the third phase.

Then she got extremely unwell, and my love for her became one of caring, which I have chosen to manage and step back from and set boundaries around. Fourth phase.

Now just seeing her smile and laugh and having friendly conversations is more important to me than sex. I get back her understanding of me like nobody else does. If I saw a beautiful new place in nature, it would be more important for me to take her there and show her that, than for us to have sex.

We hug, and hold hands, and are very strongly bonded. Both of us miss sex but by now it just doesn't happen. I don't care what people say about sex being a requirement for a happy relationship. I don't want or need to change what I've got.

Because with time, I have learned that the love of companionship and the intimacy of an ongoing 'partnership story' is far more beneficial and important to me than an orgasm, which frankly most of us can and do arrange by ourselves on a daily basis if we really want to.

As far as I am aware, she feels about the same way with all this as I do. We have talked about it.

If I felt the desperate urge to have sex with her again, I would probably think about encouraging her before attending to my own needs. That means, giving her what she wants first, before getting what I want. For example, very slow and gentle physical intimacy. Starting say with hugs, progressing to say foot massages, and then giving her oral sex to orgasm before I have even hinted at what I want.

Over to you.

 

[cptsdandme]

I don't know your wife's age- but menopause is also an issue to consider.

 

[Applecore]

I don't know your wife's age- but menopause is also an issue to consider.

So is porn. I've heard it said that 90% of men and 30% of women use it to get where they want to more quickly. This makes men quicker and less intimate in the bedroom, which can be a massive turn-off for a woman.

My very sexually driven, kinky, and highly communicative ex-girlfriend once told me: "You have started to f*ck me instead of making love to me." She sent me this song:

Good for her, she wanted it in many different ways, and had the skills to say so. I adjusted by quitting porn and things changed for the better.

 

[Friday]

I don't know your wife's age- but menopause is also an issue to consider.

Including in one’s teens & twenties. Hormonal disruption? Is a seeeeeerious bitch.

Little. Blue. Pill.

Fixes THAT.

In the short term. HRT fixes it in the long, unless she has hormone driven cancer; & cannot take HRT, unless death is preferable to desire.

Men cycle through a females reproductive hormones, from puberty, daily, until their death.
Women cycle through monthly, from puberty to menopause.
Unless one adds Hormone Replacement Therapy. To knock women back into fertile cycles.

IE a woman with 20 kids? Will be more fertile than a woman with 1 child, at the same age. As 20 years of pregnancy/age have stacked up eggs. Only for a couple/few years. True. But it’s still the difference. Hormonally speaking. WITH added hormones? A slick ride & urgent drive, can be present until death

 

[nursenurse]

@Friday I need to check my prescription….

 

[Friday]

@Friday I need to check my prescription….

I cannot take HRT unless I get a full hysterectomy, as I have hormone driven cancer. Hence the little blue pill suggestion for temporary lack of …go-go-juice? (Lubrication, vascular engorgement, nerve sensitivity & reactivity; in response to irritating-wacky fluctuating hormones).

Everyone I know on HRT, for peri-men & menopausal issues, prefers the ointment rubbed into the wrists. As it’s so acutely & immediately adjustable, day in and day out; people get their own body’s needs & rhythms down very quickly. As well as personal preference. Just a little lube for comfy living, or bone melting thrumming desire surging through the blood? Or both. Or anywhere in between. Dial up or down on your own recog.

Everyone I know on HRT for partial/total hysterectomy perfers the pills.

 

[Rose White]

Men cycle through a females reproductive hormones, from puberty, daily, until their death.

Do you mean they just cycle based on women in their environment? What if there are no women?

 

[Friday]

Do you mean they just cycle based on women in their environment? What if there are no women?

No.

That the same hormone cycles women have? Men ALSO have. It’s “just” on a daily cycle, instead of a monthly cycle.

3-5 hours a day? Most men are bitchy, chocolate/sugar/salty/protein craving, emotionally overreacting, hormone afflicted lunatics. Others are libido driven lust machines. Others just want to be left a-f*cking-lone, don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, go away. The same way most women are, 3-5 days per month… as well as… every other very human thing.

What TIME of day? Is as individual as women are for when during the month. I have noooooo idea if men who spend time together start cycling together, (the way women who spend time together start cycling) though. Although, from time spent in the military, I suspect the answer is both yes & no. As in most tend to be proper assholes, right around the same time, whilst a few are proper assholes earlier/later. Everyone is an asshole sometimes, though, so you learn to simply shrug and ignore it. Or how to time best when to pick a fight, or trip someone & beat them to the floor, or make yourself scarce. <<< When I learned about men’s hormonal cycling, on a daily basis? That time in the military went “Oh.” Cocked her head, and nodded. Because that made sense… of something that had never made sense before. The daily PMS thing, that most men seemed afflicted with? Was really a thing.

 

[Applecore]

No.

That the same hormone cycles women have? Men ALSO have. It’s “just” on a daily cycle, instead of a monthly cycle.

3-5 hours a day? Most men are bitchy, chocolate/sugar/salty/protein craving, emotionally overreacting, hormone afflicted lunatics. Others are libido driven lust machines. Others just want to be left a-f*cking-lone, don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, go away. The same way most women are, 3-5 days per month… as well as… every other very human thing.

What TIME of day? Is as individual as women are for when during the month. I have noooooo idea if men who spend time together start cycling together, (the way women who spend time together start cycling) though. Although, from time spent in the military, I suspect the answer is both yes & no. As in most tend to be proper assholes, right around the same time, whilst a few are proper assholes earlier/later. Everyone is an asshole sometimes, though, so you learn to simply shrug and ignore it. Or how to time best when to pick a fight, or trip someone & beat them to the floor, or make yourself scarce. <<< When I learned about men’s hormonal cycling, on a daily basis? That time in the military went “Oh.” Cocked her head, and nodded. Because that made sense… of something that had never made sense before. The daily PMS thing, that most men seemed afflicted with? Was really a thing.

Hmmm. Add 'unfinished business', work-related stress, lack of exercise and relationship with alcohol to all this. It may or may not be a coincidence but I think I was a lot more of an asshole 12 years ago; when I was getting through at least 4 bottles of wine or 16 pints of strong beer per week and variations thereof. It was back then that I cut alcohol to 50% of that overnight, then 30% about a year later and have managed to stick to that average ever since. Which may be part of the reason why I am very much less of an outwardly angry (and privately sad) man today, far more content and hopefully kinder. Just a hunch.