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Childhood Coping with Past Trauma: Bullying and Loneliness

From time to time, I can't help but remember the bullying I went through in the past, back when I was a teenager at school, and remembering how severe it all was. I remembered I'd get bullied and whenever I cried or told a teacher or might have said the wrong thing, I'd have everyone turning against me, telling me very belligerently that I was nothing but a s**t stirrer and I needed to get the hell out of here. Even my "friends" didn't stick by me. I'd get relentlessly cyberbullied, harassed and cornered, and so many people don't know just how severe it was. Even whenever I've tried talking about it with my mum again, the conversations only go round in circles, and she doesn't even seem to admit her responsibility of being so oblivious, all she ever says is "Oh I wish we'd taken you out of school sooner" as if that's all that needs to be said about it. We never get anywhere, so it's not worth talking about it with her anymore, as I just always feel like we're reliving it. I was always victim blamed as well by pretty much all the adults, and my mum was never an exception there no matter what she might like to think. I remember her getting angry at me because I was crying because of the bullying, and blaming me when my "friends" were constantly harassing me one evening at the door, being really aggressive, and again getting angry at me for crying. It's like my sole purpose and role back then in life was to be hated and that's it. She acts to people like she was horrified at just how horrible it all was for me, which annoys me because she didn't realise that at the time, and got angry with me a lot like most the adults did. Even when I did tell a teacher, it was so typically useless, as they'd just tell the kids off and they'd then go back to bullying me, having been accused of being a "snitch", something I hear is pretty common as well. Remembering all the belligerent shouting, all the verbal, emotional and mental abuse, being followed and shouted at that nobody liked me, I was a s**t stirrer and all I did was cause s**t, being shouted at in the face, the harassment on social media, being cornered-there just things you can't forget.

I remember back in 2010, the worst year of my life (perhaps joint with 2009 though), when literally nobody was there for me, I was literally all alone in the world. I was getting severely and relentlessly bullied at school, victim blamed by all the adults including my parents, emotionally abused by my dad and also bullied by my brothers, and none of my "friends" liked me. Literally everywhere I went everybody hated me, and that still really unsettles and distresses me to think of-the whole world being against me. I've said childhood as prefix but it was more my adolescence. The bullying started in year 6 but it was secondary school, particularly year 9 and year 10 where it got worse and worse. It cooled down by year 11 as things got more stable for me friendshipwise, and probably because everybody had GCSEs to focus on, but remembering having always been singled out as the "freak" and bully magnet and "friend that nobody likes" everywhere I went is something that will always haunt me.

Just remembering everyone hating me and treating me like an abomination, being an ultimate pariah everywhere I went is still something that haunts me to this day, and having been all alone in the world, with nobody there for me. I'll admit I was not the most likeable person back then, I could be weird and I did not act myself, but the fact that everybody just simply hated me and treated me in such a way, letting me be all alone in the world is atrocious. What gets me most is that I never actually ended up standing up to my bullies, and sometimes I feel mad at myself for that. I would now, if I could, like I'm sure I'd be able to, but obviously it's too late now.

I am grateful for how incredibly, extremely far I've come since then. All my "friends" from back then are no longer in my life, and I have stayed well away from social media so nobody from my past, from my school or youth theatre group (where the bullying also took place) can have contact with me. But most of all, I've got a true friend and have thrived in the social, academic and professional areas of my life. After the string of toxic friendships I had back then,I have a strong quality of friendship who is always loyal to me, so loving and deeply loyal, it's amazing to think really how much one's life can change.

I have been able to get on with my life to the point you wouldn't think I'd had such a dark and troubled past. But still, bullying, especially when it's severe like I had it, is not just something that can simply escape you mentally no matter how far you come in life-once you've experienced such dark trauma and adversity, you have to mentally deal with it in the long-term too, which can be very difficult. I mean it's the reason I've got the self-esteem issues I have now, having been severely bullied at school and emotionally abused at home makes it very hard for you to have high self-esteem in the long-term, even if those things are now in the past.