Flutterby_
New Here
I'm not a native English speaker, so if something is unclear, please ask me, I will clarify!
Hello, everyone
I'm going to start my recovery journey thread. It was very emotionally hard to write this.
For context: I have social phobia my whole life (working on it with a psychologist for 5 years) and an extremely high unhealthy level of empathy sensitivity. I have never met anyone as empathetically sensitive as me.
Right now, I'm feeling nervous as I'm writing this post, I instinctively expect judgement, shaming and blaming. I'm taking a risk without knowing how it will be received. I often face victim blaming, shaming, judgment, devaluing and invalidating my feelings.
I'm sure that most of the people would not take this seriously, as if it was nothing to worry about, devaluing my sensitivity. So let's set a boundary — if you blame me or invalidate my feelings, I'm done talking. I would like anyone to just ignore and skip my post, rather than making my condition worse.
I will start. So, for the past half of the year (more precisely, from December 2024 to August), I have been subjected to bullying online. It happened on discord servers ("mbti/mental health/psychology").
I'm struggling with:
1) Constant relentless feeling of shame
2) Strong avoidant behavior
3) Daily attacks/flashbacks of intrusive memories
4) Compulsive mental replaying of the bullying scenarios, wanting to re-experiencing it.
5) Facing victim-blaming, judgment, and shaming on daily basis even for just speaking up about a fact that I was bullied. People on mental health servers (some with "helper" roles) told me "just stop being a victim", "Just get rid of your victim mentality," "Are you going to be obsessed with this all day?", "It's your obsession; acceptance is the right solution for you" (this was said after I mentioned having CPTSD). They sent me "memes" with text like "Me showing a cyberbullying victim how to close their computer" and similar jokes. Others told me "how to explain to this weak minded, insecure individual that it's just appp?", "its discord, its not that deep", "Nobody takes things personal here" (These were the quotes that I'm able to post here, I think it's best not to share more details, I'm afraid to trigger anyone, but I do have the evidence).
6) There were simply too many people involved in the bullying—more people than I've ever interacted with in my life - feeling of the entire world being against me.
7) For the past half of the year when I watch true crime videos and read aggressive comments about perpetrators, I start connecting it to what people wrote about me on Discord and it all merges—it feels like I'm just as terrible and need to be isolated, punished. For example, I'd sit down to draw (I always enjoyed drawing) and my brain would whisper "Why bother? You are a bad person, everyone hates you! You don't deserve to enjoy it, you should not exist" and I physically couldn't continue.
8) Constant sense of danger everywhere I go (both real life and online)
9) I have a strong constant feeling that I'm a bad person all the time. I can't enjoy doing anything as I did before, I constantly think that I might not deserve to heal, to recover, to feel better. I was thinking that if I stay on those places, people will give me everything I deserve and finally leave me alone.
It feels like I've been living in a pure nightmare, hell. After the last most traumatic incident my hands were shaking for several days in a row, I was crying really hard for 8 hours in a row that day and I felt as if I were frozen after. It was hard to physically do anything; I would freeze up and almost go numb, unable to move, staring at one spot. And in my head, there was a blizzard of memories and thoughts.
I had a few sessions already with my psychologist, whom I hadn't seen since March, and I saw her about a month ago for the first time in a long time. I'm regularly taking medication that prevents suicidal thoughts and intentions, and I think I'm alive primarily because of it.
Hello, everyone
I'm going to start my recovery journey thread. It was very emotionally hard to write this.For context: I have social phobia my whole life (working on it with a psychologist for 5 years) and an extremely high unhealthy level of empathy sensitivity. I have never met anyone as empathetically sensitive as me.
Right now, I'm feeling nervous as I'm writing this post, I instinctively expect judgement, shaming and blaming. I'm taking a risk without knowing how it will be received. I often face victim blaming, shaming, judgment, devaluing and invalidating my feelings.
I'm sure that most of the people would not take this seriously, as if it was nothing to worry about, devaluing my sensitivity. So let's set a boundary — if you blame me or invalidate my feelings, I'm done talking. I would like anyone to just ignore and skip my post, rather than making my condition worse.
I will start. So, for the past half of the year (more precisely, from December 2024 to August), I have been subjected to bullying online. It happened on discord servers ("mbti/mental health/psychology").
I'm struggling with:
1) Constant relentless feeling of shame
2) Strong avoidant behavior
3) Daily attacks/flashbacks of intrusive memories
4) Compulsive mental replaying of the bullying scenarios, wanting to re-experiencing it.
5) Facing victim-blaming, judgment, and shaming on daily basis even for just speaking up about a fact that I was bullied. People on mental health servers (some with "helper" roles) told me "just stop being a victim", "Just get rid of your victim mentality," "Are you going to be obsessed with this all day?", "It's your obsession; acceptance is the right solution for you" (this was said after I mentioned having CPTSD). They sent me "memes" with text like "Me showing a cyberbullying victim how to close their computer" and similar jokes. Others told me "how to explain to this weak minded, insecure individual that it's just appp?", "its discord, its not that deep", "Nobody takes things personal here" (These were the quotes that I'm able to post here, I think it's best not to share more details, I'm afraid to trigger anyone, but I do have the evidence).
6) There were simply too many people involved in the bullying—more people than I've ever interacted with in my life - feeling of the entire world being against me.
7) For the past half of the year when I watch true crime videos and read aggressive comments about perpetrators, I start connecting it to what people wrote about me on Discord and it all merges—it feels like I'm just as terrible and need to be isolated, punished. For example, I'd sit down to draw (I always enjoyed drawing) and my brain would whisper "Why bother? You are a bad person, everyone hates you! You don't deserve to enjoy it, you should not exist" and I physically couldn't continue.
8) Constant sense of danger everywhere I go (both real life and online)
9) I have a strong constant feeling that I'm a bad person all the time. I can't enjoy doing anything as I did before, I constantly think that I might not deserve to heal, to recover, to feel better. I was thinking that if I stay on those places, people will give me everything I deserve and finally leave me alone.
It feels like I've been living in a pure nightmare, hell. After the last most traumatic incident my hands were shaking for several days in a row, I was crying really hard for 8 hours in a row that day and I felt as if I were frozen after. It was hard to physically do anything; I would freeze up and almost go numb, unable to move, staring at one spot. And in my head, there was a blizzard of memories and thoughts.
I had a few sessions already with my psychologist, whom I hadn't seen since March, and I saw her about a month ago for the first time in a long time. I'm regularly taking medication that prevents suicidal thoughts and intentions, and I think I'm alive primarily because of it.
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I thought nothing bad could possibly happen since it's supposedly a trusted large Discord server founded by an American psychiatrist (I don't know if I can mention the name), and for some reason I assumed that most people there would be older than me, wise, and psychologically savvy. After interacting with them, I had a panic attack, started crying, and really wanted to call a helpline. Now I'll have to discuss this entire conversation with my psychologist again
I now realize I shouldn't have responded to their words at all — they triggered my emotions, my trauma. Probably I won't be able to attach screenshots here, so I'll just rewrite their messages exactly as they were written.
). So many situations have occurred where people like moderators, administrators, doctors (people with power and authority) belittled me and worsened my mental state, reducing me to tears. My first month of recovery has passed, and I seriously didn’t think recovering could be this hard 
