Relationship He finally reached out...how do I respond?

[Confused19]

I need some help! I met an amazing guy a few years ago, and everything was perfect for around 6 months, although he did keep his distance and I was respectful of this. He is a vet and told me briefly about his PTSD, and that was the last time I saw him….a couple of years ago. The signs were not obvious but I suspected something wasn’t right as he was very closed up. I tried to ask him what was going on and then he distanced himself and said that he was busy with other things going on in his life, which I know he was. I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me to leave him alone, but he never did, and he told me he loved spending time with me. I reached out to him a couple of times over the past 2 years and he was very responsive and we chatted and everything seemed fine and he said he would love to see me. But then when I tried to make specific plans, he would disappear and I would get no response.

A few months ago, I messaged him to see how he was and he said he was happy to hear from me and that I can contact him any time. I didn’t want to put pressure on him and told him I was going away for a bit so he knew it wasn’t an option to meet up as I didn't want to stress him out. He said for me to let him know when I was back. I never did though, as I started seeing someone else and I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do. The day that things ended with the guy I was seeing (last week), I get a message from my vet - it was the first time he had reached out in two years and I was shocked. I had never forgotten him as I always had such a great time with him and we never argued or had any issues. He said he was thinking of me and was wondering how I was. Ok…..so he has finally initiated something, which I feel is a massive step. I didn't know what to say so I haven't responded. Where do I go from here? I am being realistic about the situation but I would love to see him, although I am not sure to approach this as I don't want him to disappear again. I’d love to hear from sufferers to understand why he may do this and how I can approach it so I am not pressuring him. Deep down, I think he wants to see me, but then when it comes to actually doing it, he prefers to escape.

 

[Hojay]

I’m not a sufferer but an ex supporter (still around to digest the relationship,) so I can’t speak to why a sufferer would act like this.

But what I can speak to are the dangers of putting all “strange” behavior on PTSD. In other words, this guy has been displaying push pull behavior for a good number of years, and that doesn’t necessarily have to boil down to PTSD. He could be an emotionally unavailable guy with PTSD. He could be a player or a commitment phobe or anything else under the sun...with PTSD. The point is, the PTSD doesn’t matter when the behavior displayed isn’t in line with what works to build a relationship.

Yes, perhaps it wasn’t the right time for you guys back then. Maybe it is now. But go in with your eyes and ears open, and never (ever!) excuse with PTSD behavior that isn’t in line with what a mutual relationship entails—that includes blowing hot and cold, being non committal or wishy washy.

The thing is, knowing there’s a mental illness present sometimes deletes all common sense we have about how mutual relationships work. We observe behavior that isn’t in line with what we actually want, but since there’s a “reason,” we can start believing it’s just a matter of proper “healing,” or if only we do x or y we can make it all work (and you’re starting already, but saying you don’t want to “push” him or “pressure” him,) or we minimize the pain and confusion we’re in, thinking we just need to be more understanding and make more allowances.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with meeting up with him. But I’d go in with the mentality of catching up with an old friend and without any hope or expectation for more. If he does end up displaying the hallmarks of what a mutual relationship would entail, which includes communication, commitment, care, and trust, and he does so consistently and over an extended period of time, sure, give it a try. But beware of putting yourself in a position of accepting less than you usually would, hoping that if you just make all the right moves and don’t rock the boat a relationship will flourish.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I am being realistic about the situation but I would love to see him, although I am not sure to approach this as I don't want him to disappear again.

how I can approach it so I am not pressuring him.

This is not on you. Make plans as you ordinarily would. If he doesn't show up that was his decision not because you didn't ask the correct way. I understand not wanting him to disappear because you like to hang out with him but you have no control over his actions. Using certain words or tones to say "Let's hang out on Friday. Where shall we meet? I'm available anytime after 2." Isn't going to change the outcome and this much thought into verbiage shouldn't be required to see someone.

That said, my vet often is more optimistic about what he thinks he can do compared to what he actually ends up doing.

The things that are "different" due to his PTSD is he doesn't get blowback from me for cancelling anything as I have no expectation that he will show up and will do whatever alone... and he chooses where we sit. Things that are important to me for him to attend with me are communicated as such and thus far he hasn't missed anything so I'm not sure what I would do if he missed one of those things since it has yet to come up.

 

[LovingH]

Yeah, the 6 month honeymoon period seems to be pretty common..if you stick around on this forum, you will see it.

Same with my ex. After 6 months and him saying "I love you" in an IM is when things got weird. He got cold and distant, and then came up with very weird problems he supposedly had with me.

Do you really want to have to put this much work into getting someone to hang out with you?

For all you know, he will end up ghosting you again.

I still love my ex. I really do. I think of him every day. But now it's been a month since I've even seen him, and I've tried..really tried..to get him to talk to me, but he won't. It shouldn't be this much work after only 6 months :(

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there and welcome to the forums! I understand why you chose the name Confused. PTSD is very confusing to say the least.

First of all have you done any research on ptsd yet? If not? I'd start with the ptsd stress cup analogy here on the forum. Best piece of information around!!

Personally, I'd want to know how he was doing. A combat veteran with ptsd who actually reached out to someone after 2 years is kinda huge. Imho (whatever that's worth ?) Tells me he trusted you way back when.

PTSD relationships are really hard. Untreated ptsd relationships are f#cking brutal. What you described was untreated ptsd. And a no go for me. It's a serious mental disorder with no cure. But it can become manageable with really HARD work. Sometimes people avoid it because therapy can be worse.(before it gets better) Maybe he's getting the help he needs? I'd have to know before I proceeded.

In summary ???? I'd want to have a conversation with him so I'd text him to call me after work on x day and if he didn't call in a reasonable time? There's my answer. If he did call? I'd keep (most of) it simple. I mean, he's an ex who told me he had ptsd so yep I'd ask him if he's taking care of himself and has he started any therapy for his trauma. Yes. It's blunt. But I'd want to know. PTSD is not an elephant in the room I can ignore.

Sorry, I know you asked for feedback from survivors but I just wanted to welcome you to the forums and give my perspective on your situation. "Take what works and leave the rest". ?

Good luck and keep us posted. I reeeaaallyy hope he's getting the help he needs! He deserves it.

✌& ❤ to you and your Veteran!

 

[Morethanconfused]

I am going through the somewhat the same situation. I started seeing a guy, we dated for about 2 months. First time I have felt comfortable around someone, I’ve dated other guys since then and it’s not the same. I felt like he started to push me away, so I gave him space. I told him that it felt like we weren’t on the same page and had to step back before I got too attached. Too late, I was already attached and it broke my heart but I wasn’t going to beg him to want me.
I few months later, we reconnected. He apologized for pushing me away and said at that time he felt like he couldn’t be someone to be depended on. He had taken medical leave due to his ptsd. He also suffered a brain injury on one of his deployments. I told him I was moving to a different state in a few weeks, but wanted to see him again. We made plans to see each other again but when it came to the day of the plans, he texted me to let me know he had a really bad headache and cancelled.
I told him to let me know when he wanted to meet again. We texted for a couple of weeks but no plans. I moved out of state and flew back home a month after. Somehow he heard I was back in town and he reached out. I was pissed. I was working on getting over him and had made no plans to reach out to him while I was in town but he texted me and it broke my heart all over again. I wanted to see him so bad. He asked me how long I was in town for, I told him I was leaving the next day. He then suggested we meet up the next time I was back in town. A month later, I fly back. I wasn’t planning on texting him, I fought it for 3-4 days but caved and texted him because I still wanted to see him. He updates me on his life, his daughter and how he’s doing. He’s medically retiring from his job, his ptsd has gotten so bad, he can’t continue at his current job. He’s asked for accommodations but was denied. He’s in his early 30’s. I invited him to hangout with some of my coworkers, he had met them before and some were mutual friends. He said it would be really nice to see me, so he agrees. The day comes, I send him a text saying “I hope to see you tonight”, along with the time.
And he doesn’t show up.
No text. No type of communication.
I haven’t texted him. He doesn’t owe me an explanation, since we’re nothing. I’m pissed because i was hoping to see him. I miss him and I just want him to let me in, to let me be there for him and help.
I wish he would say something.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Since the OP asked for suffer opinions, I will answer this.

The things that are "different" due to his PTSD is he doesn't get blowback from me for cancelling anything as I have no expectation that he will show up and will do whatever alone... and he chooses where we sit.

This is huge. If you have no expectations, come if you want or can, don't if you don't want to or can't and I can go alone if needed, no biggie, is HUGE for me! If you put expectations on me, that automatically increases the stress involved and there is WAY more possibility that I won't or can't go. It's more of can't then won't. If that makes any sense.

Hopefully that helps and makes sense.

 

[Butterfly64]

I’m not a sufferer but an ex supporter (still around to digest the relationship,) so I can’t speak to why a sufferer would act like this.

But what I can speak to are the dangers of putting all “strange” behavior on PTSD. In other words, this guy has been displaying push pull behavior for a good number of years, and that doesn’t necessarily have to boil down to PTSD. He could be an emotionally unavailable guy with PTSD. He could be a player or a commitment phobe or anything else under the sun...with PTSD. The point is, the PTSD doesn’t matter when the behavior displayed isn’t in line with what works to build a relationship.

Yes, perhaps it wasn’t the right time for you guys back then. Maybe it is now. But go in with your eyes and ears open, and never (ever!) excuse with PTSD behavior that isn’t in line with what a mutual relationship entails—that includes blowing hot and cold, being non committal or wishy washy.

The thing is, knowing there’s a mental illness present sometimes deletes all common sense we have about how mutual relationships work. We observe behavior that isn’t in line with what we actually want, but since there’s a “reason,” we can start believing it’s just a matter of proper “healing,” or if only we do x or y we can make it all work (and you’re starting already, but saying you don’t want to “push” him or “pressure” him,) or we minimize the pain and confusion we’re in, thinking we just need to be more understanding and make more allowances.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with meeting up with him. But I’d go in with the mentality of catching up with an old friend and without any hope or expectation for more. If he does end up displaying the hallmarks of what a mutual relationship would entail, which includes communication, commitment, care, and trust, and he does so consistently and over an extended period of time, sure, give it a try. But beware of putting yourself in a position of accepting less than you usually would, hoping that if you just make all the right moves and don’t rock the boat a relationship will flourish.

YES?

I am going through the somewhat the same situation. I started seeing a guy, we dated for about 2 months. First time I have felt comfortable around someone, I’ve dated other guys since then and it’s not the same. I felt like he started to push me away, so I gave him space. I told him that it felt like we weren’t on the same page and had to step back before I got too attached. Too late, I was already attached and it broke my heart but I wasn’t going to beg him to want me.
I few months later, we reconnected. He apologized for pushing me away and said at that time he felt like he couldn’t be someone to be depended on. He had taken medical leave due to his ptsd. He also suffered a brain injury on one of his deployments. I told him I was moving to a different state in a few weeks, but wanted to see him again. We made plans to see each other again but when it came to the day of the plans, he texted me to let me know he had a really bad headache and cancelled.
I told him to let me know when he wanted to meet again. We texted for a couple of weeks but no plans. I moved out of state and flew back home a month after. Somehow he heard I was back in town and he reached out. I was pissed. I was working on getting over him and had made no plans to reach out to him while I was in town but he texted me and it broke my heart all over again. I wanted to see him so bad. He asked me how long I was in town for, I told him I was leaving the next day. He then suggested we meet up the next time I was back in town. A month later, I fly back. I wasn’t planning on texting him, I fought it for 3-4 days but caved and texted him because I still wanted to see him. He updates me on his life, his daughter and how he’s doing. He’s medically retiring from his job, his ptsd has gotten so bad, he can’t continue at his current job. He’s asked for accommodations but was denied. He’s in his early 30’s. I invited him to hangout with some of my coworkers, he had met them before and some were mutual friends. He said it would be really nice to see me, so he agrees. The day comes, I send him a text saying “I hope to see you tonight”, along with the time.
And he doesn’t show up.
No text. No type of communication.
I haven’t texted him. He doesn’t owe me an explanation, since we’re nothing. I’m pissed because i was hoping to see him. I miss him and I just want him to let me in, to let me be there for him and help.
I wish he would say something.

That is not okay....PTSD or not. Must have hurt like hell ?