Relationship He Is Leaving Tomorrow

[kacee129]

I know that I have to stay strong. He just said to me "I don't want to leave...we are a family (he's talking about our dogs) and I love you. I will call the VA right now and get things started" I told him that he has had months to do that and didn't and that I just couldn't say OK. Then I said to him that he could get treatment in Vegas...before I could finish saying that we could go from there he said he will not go for treatment there. I wanted to say to him that he needed to do it for himself and not me but he walked away before I could say anything.

I am very very sad. But I know that it is the best thing to do. Isn't it?

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, but having read previous threads it looks to me like he is just trying to manipulate you again.

But you know this, and you have already proven that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don't give up now.

You need him gone, and he needs the consequences.

Good luck!

 

[kacee129]

Is it manipulation? Or is it that he doesn't care enough about himself to get treatment FOR himself?
I am just having a hard time today/tonight. But I think what I'm doing is right...for me if not for him.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Is it manipulation?

Absolutely. He had plenty of time to get treatment while he was with you and chose not to. To say he will do it the day before he leaves, then saying he won't pursue it after he leaves is pure manipulation. He is playing on your guilt because it has worked before.

 

[dimplesg520]

Hey @kacee129, I am sorry that this day has come for you. It's a very hard day and he seems to be wanting to make it worse for you. I agree that it is manipulation, because he has had so long to try and get help and won't. It seems to me that he is almost trying to put the blame on you for him not getting help, maybe because it will be easier to say that you kicked him out instead of that you stood up for yourself and stopped taking his crap.. Maybe it's easier for him to deal with that way, by putting the blame on you instead of owning up to his shortcomings. Who knows. But either way, it's not right for him to do that to you. You've tried to get him help so many times and he has just rejected every attempt. Even when he's leaving, you're still trying to help him and he is refusing. It doesn't seem like he is ready yet. I have seen a lot on here, and I know in my personal experience, that the sufferer has to choose when they have hit their own rock bottom and are ready to accept help. Until then, we can talk until we are blue in the face about it, but if they aren't ready to accept the help, they won't. It sucks but that seems to be the case here, too.

Stay strong. I know this is a really difficult time for you, so I hope that you have friends and family that will help you through. Just try to remember that you did everything you could to help him, and that him choosing to not get help is NOT your fault. Resist his attempts to get you to let him stay, or to continue being there for him, or anything like that. You are a good person, and you shouldn't let him try to tear that down. I'll be thinking about you this week, hoping that things get a little easier without him there. Hang in there!

 

[nursenurse]

Stay strong, your instincts have been spot on. He is a master manipulator. You are doing what is best for both of you. I would nix any communication between the two of you for awhile. You need time to heal yourself. Once he is out that door, things will feel different, and you may end up missing his presence, but don't go crawling back. Because it will only happen again and again. Saying a prayer and keeping you in my thoughts. It isn't easy regardless, but you have come so far. Don't back down.

 

[kacee129]

I want to thank you all for your support. As I type this he is still packing up his car. Right now he is ranting that "he will never be in a position where another person has control over him" That really hurts me. Yes I did tell him he had to leave. But is that control? And he is bellowing that "no one else cares...it's only him...who cares about him" -

My only saving grace is that my cousin and her husband purchased a home out here. I am picking up her husband at the airport in about an hour...and we will spend the next 2 weeks getting the house ready for their move in. I'm hoping that will help me get thru this.

But right now my head is spinning. The tears are running down my face and I'm not even crying.

 

[nursenurse]

Don't start to microanalyze what you did or did not do. This is his problem and not yours. Manipulators want scapegoats. Remind yourself that what you are seeing now is how he has been treating you all along, a bit more subtly at times maybe. And had you let him stay, how you would have been treated throughout your lives together.

Be prepared for him to say hurtful things, you have messed up his plans, rocked his boat, and he will do anything and say anything to pin the blame on someone else. since you are the closest, you are the easiest target. Try not to let yourself be hurt, easier said than done.

You are dodging a bullet, and I for one am proud of you and the way you have handled things. I am glad you have some distraction out there, there will be tough times for sure. But hopefully the peace that you will obtain will override that and give you much needed joy once again. Hang in there, keep smiling. You will be fine.

 

[Snowangel1225]

"I had 2 choices... I could either continue to accept living as I was miserably or I could take responsibility for making my life better by letting him go. I decided to be selfish.... And smart."

- The Liar Chair

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I for one am proud of you and the way you have handled things.

I echo this. You have proven your strength. You can get through this and out the other side.

 

[Gingerly]

@kacee129, You did good. I gain strength from you.

 

[The Albatross]

Kacee, this is exceedingly sad for you, and a "consequence" for him. Whether he is manipulating is pretty much irrelevant, because he is aware that he could have avoided this outcome. He is the loser here, he lost something he didn't really want to lose... but he's not going to admit it... he's immature enough to want to make you feel it on the way out.

No one can say whether or not he'll elect to seek treatment in the future. Hopefully he will... as he most likely won't want to take too many consequences like these.