Hell = The Matrix In My Pelvis

[Chava]

Combination hormone pills gone bad, tummy messed up, body memories that made me want to crawl out of my body, other problems I can't even say....so humiliating I want to die before I go see a doctor if the situation doesn't improve (but no worries...that's just how I feel...I WOULD see a doctor...or go to ER if I want to die because I am very comfortable at the ER and they'd help me). I'm so sick of it though. BE NORMAL.

I'm doing all I can to feel stronger over-all, more confident, and like I can handle one crappy pain or problem or sensation at a time...not so much all at once. I wanted to die today, but it got better.

You don't have to share details, but do others have pelvic area problems? Are you okay talking to your doctor? I feel like my body is so f#cked up that I need a small team of genius doctors to help me at this point. One doc gives one pill, I get new side-effects plus panic, plus I imagine pulling worms with teeth out of my lower back. It's just a mess down there but I don't want to numb out or beat myself up. This is my body too. It's just very pissed off and I don't know how to make it better.

Sorry I'm vague, I just wanted to complain without yucky details. Thanks.

 

[Joan]

I definitely have pelvic issues...I feel crazy and am definitely not comfortable talking with dr. about issues. Not sure it is the same with you, but for me is reliving trauma through that region. Sometimes I just want to put my hand in an inappropriate place to hold and comfort what hurts.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Joan . I am sorry for your pain. I wish this stuff was easier to talk about and sort out! I think I have one thing that might actually be a doctor issue but I'll just wait to see if it gets better first (it's not like dangerous or anything). I have been to the doctor a couple times for different concerns, made it through ultrasound and biopsy and uncomfortable questions, etc. So I suppose there is progress and I can keep on that route and do surgery next year if I feel stronger and still need it.

I think I was just numb to all physical feelings, sensations, body cues, for so many years. Now some things are just out of whack and I feel stupid...and also I just feel sick of all of the "information" from my body and would like to tune it back down in some parts. The part of me that feels forever damaged also gets re-triggered into thinking I can't get better but can only fall apart. Just a little burned out, but I'll keep at it. thanks again for "listening" a bit.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yes I recently went through pelvic pain issues. I did get a medical work up and my doc said he thought it was my herniated disc in my back impinging on the nerve feeding my pelvic region on the left. After two Chiropractic treatments all has resolved. But I waited so long to go to the doc because I felt ashamed and humiliated that I was having body memories.

Maybe they were triggered I'll never know, but once I finally took action, I feel better.

 

[Chava]

I'm worried about the connection to my low back, too, so thanks for mentioning. I don't understand how it all goes together, but my lower back is so tight and I've been curled up in a ball for too many hours in recent days (and over the course of recent years!)..it adds to upper back pain. Low back doesn't hurt but feels very tight and also squirmy in my muscles. I think it might be the hormone crap I can't seem to sort out...like right now it's PMS forever...but everything just falls apart together. I sometimes feel like the learning curve for me having a body is too steep!! I would probably make a very good snail though!!

 

[Catlovers141]

I struggle with something similar. I am terrified of doctors/hospitals so I don't tell anyone except my therapist about the pain/body memories. There was a period of time where I thought that there really was something physically wrong with me and I considered seeing a doctor but I did not. Now I am almost certain that it is a PTSD symptom for me, and I'm not sure what a doctor could do about it, and since I am afraid of doctors I won't see one. But as uncomfortable as it can be, just knowing that they are body memories that that there is nothing physically wrong with me is comforting on some level.

 

[Chava]

thanks @Catlovers141 ...I seem to have a confusing mix of physical diagnosable issues, infrequent body memories (but they make me wanna die), and emotional/psychological intolerance to the pain, unpredictability, and feelings of no control..and shame and loathing around any of this stuff. It's like a really crazy storm sometimes. I also feel really uncomfortable going to the doctor, but really had to, and she was nice and listened to all my questions first. I especially hated ultrasound + biopsy...sort of mini trauma in itself, but I survived and for me it's worth it to know I don't have cancer (plenty of that in my family). But yes, however uncomfortable and from whatever cause, it's a little easier to tolerate pain when we have some idea of where it is coming from and whether it will really kill us or not (because usually it won't...whew..but still feels terrible).

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava Glad to hear you went to the doc and had those tests. That must take some weight off your back. You sound stronger, too. I do hope you're on the mend.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @KwanYingirl ...I actually did that doctor appointment a while ago.

But glad I did AND FOR ANYONE WHO FEARS THESE APPOINTMENTS...talk it over with your therapist and consider, however objectively possible, the doctor is there to HELP you...biopsy was mini terror to my body, but I saw my therapist the next day (and she helped me pull out of some numb-spaciness)...and while it's been a rough ride we are narrowing down the non-surgical options since we know better what we're dealing with. My sister died of ovarian cancer in her 40s. If we need to go to the doctor and are freaked, talk over in therapy and bring a friendly hand to squeeze if needed. The trauma vs physical pain stuff can be complicated...my therapist suggested it could even be my hormones are so imbalanced because of the deeper endocrine/adrenal issues. And my intolerance is terrible and loaded with other triggers (powerlessness, etc). Hard to sort out.

But yes, I'm on the mend from wanting to die and feeling like a worthless piece of garbage being smashed at the bottom of the landfill (dramatic? well that's how it felt). I didn't have to bleed myself into a panic or worse pain this time around, so the new pills I am on can basically "diagnose" and treat endometriosis without surgery because they are working. But I do need to ask about a smaller dose because the mood swings became really unmanageable, especially on top of other stuff I'm going through.

Other problems not appropriate for my age...like feeling like I'll pee my pants if I can't go NOW (weak pelvic floor?). I'm just lucky whole organs aren't falling out down there.

So Ob/Gyn + right meds + therapy + exercises for awareness and strengthening core and pelvic muscles. I have tried to numb out the lower half of my body...its' all disappointing. But now I actually ordered a book about the pelvis!!!! So, trying to befriend the area as part of my body that needs my help and care and patience.